kidnapper: we’re not going back for medication
me: ok cool I’ll just tell my cholesterol that
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babe, listen, I need you to bring me $15000 cash and my passport. I out-pizza’d the hut and they are after me
Pro Tip for the ladies. Ask him to show you where the “jack thingy” is at in the trunk and when he shows you..
That’s when you push him in.
[Toothpaste Laboratory]
Dentist 1: Yes
Dentist 2: Yes
Dentist 3: Yes
Dentist 4: Yes
Dentist 5: Not so fast…
I can confirm that men and women may disagree on when advice is helpful.
In related news, it is warm enough to sleep outside.
The Mayfly has the shortest lifespan of any animal, at a mere 24 hours. Fortunately the drinking age for Mayflies is 45 minutes, so it makes for a pretty awesome day.
I fake the art of fainting so well my favorite restaurant now refers to me as “Low Blood Sugar Girl” while rushing my limp body to a table.
This made me smile to an unreasonable degree 😂
I’ve just ordered some of those packaging air pockets from Amazon and can’t wait to see what they’re delivered in.
If someone tweets in the bathroom they are live streaming.
pronouncing “vegan” like “began.”
I made a mix tape for a girl in the 90’s & she responded by giving me a blank cassette titled “What I Like About You”.
If you’re not careful with those, you’ll shoot your eye out.
*points to Spanx*
Me: *plays imaginary playground game with my boys where we’re a crew flying through deep space on the hunt for storm troopers, armed only with our wits and pretend lightsabers on a fantastical, mysterious journey aboard our supersonic spaceship*
6yo: Are we there yet?
If anything bites you, chain yourself in the basement for the next full moon. Just to be sure.
*things I learned from horrors
If you give a man a PS4, he will play for a day.
If that man buys the PS4 he will not shower for 2 months.
I’m a strong independent woman, but like, against my will.
11: Look mom, I attached my iPad to my bicycle handles with elastic bands. Isn’t it great?! So now when I ride I can watch something!
*pauses, I can see she’s thinking*
Actually maybe I won’t do this because it sounds like a good way to die?
Always use a fish knife when eating fish, a tomato knife when eating tomato, and a Swiss Army knife when eating a member of the Swiss army.
[6 months after the pandemic ends]
Me: Oh, so THAT’s how you unmute yourself on Zoom.
I like when the doctor says nice things about me (cool shoes) and I don’t like when the doctor says mean things about me (bad cholesterol, need more exercise, drink less, actually the shoes suck)
ME: please don’t be mad
GETAWAY DRIVER: what’s wrong
ME: i left my phone in there
Me googling: why do chickens get to run around with no head but humans don’t?
Google response: Why Am I Single Quiz – Take This Quiz To Find Out
(I am 6 months pregnant)
Me after ordering my coffee:
Stranger at Starbucks: you know you should be drinking decaf when you’re pregnant.
Me: I’m… not pregnant.
Stranger: (horrified) I am so, so sorry!
And that’s what you get for giving unsolicited advice.
My psychiatrist said I have a case of acute narcissism, but if you ask me it’s better described as downright adorable.
I went for a job interview and the manager said, “we’re looking for someone who is responsible.”
“Well that’s me,” I replied. “In my last job, whenever anything went wrong they said I was responsible!”
I own a lot of cleaning supplies for someone whose friends inscribed “dust me” on my coffee table recently.
*dusts off treadmill*
Alright, that’s enough cardio for one day.
Having three kids taught me that I’m capable of so much more than I ever thought. For example, I can ignore all three kids at once.
“On your 1st day, find the biggest guy, and punch him in the face to show you’re in charge.”
– my advice to new teachers
Bought coffee flavoured ice cream hoping the kids would hate it and I could have it all but NOPE! Joke’s on me!
Curse you,
gloriously divine Häagen-Dazs in literally any flavour.