Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sometimes I see an account celebrating big milestone after only 6 months on Twitter then I notice all their tweets are stolen and I get pissed that none of them are mine. Rude.

2yo: Mommy, you beautiful.

4yo: *snorts* Maybe if she brushed her hair.

Talk to me when you have a shirt & tie that didn’t come in the same box.*

*Grave robbers exempt.

Living well is the best revenge. The second best revenge is carefully removing plants from someone’s garden & replacing their lawn gnomes with slightly larger lawn gnomes so they appear to be growing in size from eating the plants.

OF COURSE IT’S A GENUINE BEETHOVEN! Look at those brush strokes, the stunning use of colour.

My grandma used to read me the Bible before bed and then switched to a book about the Wright Brothers without telling me, so I thought airplanes were in the Bible til I was like, 15.

I’ve heard parents say they don’t enjoy playing with their kids but I play all kinds of fun games with mine like..

-who gets to microwave mommy’s coffee?

-whoever finds the remote first can watch a show after I do

-whoever fills mommy’s water gets to be my favorite for the day

me: [on the phone] mom can you come pick me up

boss: hey we’re in a meeting

me: [avoiding eye contact] because they’re being mean to me

me: what’s our criminology class on?

friend: cannibalism

me: [gasping] a hannibal lecture

Just walked up at the movies and the box-office lady looks at me and goes “lemme guess, one for Furiosa?” like wtf, come on bro. Also yes, one for Furiosa.

Jesus Christ lmao

Me, a good parent: Oliver we talked about this [wrestling coat onto a walrus] u can still catch a cold despite your thick layer of blubber

if anyone is picking on you, it’s really themselves they have a problem with, I promise

We all have that one friend who returns our yacht a little too clean.

[scrabble]

BATMAN: pass

SUPERMAN: again?

BATMAN: can’t spell anything

SUPERMAN: *rubbing temples* not every word has to start with BAT

Our system is shit. I’m 24 and only have two years left on my moms health insurance. Then, I have to find a new mother

I feel bad for tailgating this minivan so closely but once I started watching Kung Fu Panda on his back seat TV I had to see it through.

Number of days since I locked myself out of the house and had to climb in through a window: ZERO

Whenever I’m feeling fat, I try not to stress about it and just keep my chins up.

Interviewer: your resume is very impressive, but what would you say is your biggest weakness

Me: lying on my resume probably

The great thing about being a man who is entirely secure in his identity is that I always have enough pockets to carry spare kittens.

my fridge has a screen so sometimes I get bored and photoshop myself to make it look like im in there

Me, 1st time in a corn maze: This is scary and stupid. Let’s go. Where’s the map.
Husband: I gave it to her.
Me: To the FIVE YEAR OLD?
8: Yeah. She had it, but she threw it at the Corn Man we saw.
5: And then he ate it.

I don’t want your undivided attention. I want your multiplied attention. Make clones of yourself and give me all of their attention too.

If you took a billionaire’s money away, they would just earn it back again. Cream rises to the top.

I’m so confident about this, I think we should prove it by taking all the billionaires’ money away.

[baby finally falls asleep]

ME: *tip toes to couch* I can finally relax

DOG: I’M GONNA BARK FOR NO REASON

I put on a blue vest and walked out of Lowe’s with 9 hammers

english majors be like furthermore

Nothing makes me scream louder during sex than when my husband calls to let me know he’s on his way home from work.