Kidnapper: We’ve kidnapped your son.
My dad: Please let me speak to him.
Kidnapper: He’s here.
My dad: You left the fan on, again.
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*[at the sperm bank]*
I’ll have a cup of Joe, please.
Somehow I missed my turn into my driveway and ended up at the pub few blocks over
Boss: I don’t want to be disturbed today.
Me: I don’t want to be disturbed either yet here we are.
When I see how idiotic people can be, I get jealous of Darth Vader’s force choke ability in those exact moments.
I do this really cute thing, where if I walk by a car that has a stick figure family on their back window, I peel a kid off.
I don’t understand why people climb mountains. I literally pay someone else to carry my groceries
me: iced latte please
barista: what type of milk?
me: spaghetti
Oh no, we don’t go in there. That room belongs to the spiders.
“Rogue One” idea:
The spies anxiously wait to meet their new commander.
Boldly – regally – he strides into the room.
“Mesa Jar-Jar Binks”
what machine says: do not remove card
what I read: remove card
[First date after divorce]
Me: I’m gonna need to see your medical records.
Today my 7 year-old came into the room crying. I asked him what happened and he said that his 5 year-old brother put 80 cows in his house in Minecraft while he was offline and that it was “entirely too many cows” and honest to christ I have no idea how to parent any of this.
Can we stop calling it ‘Breaking news’ and start calling it ‘bloody hell what now’
The banking industry gave me unrealistic expectations that it was ok to fail
😂😂😂😁😁🤣🤣
Woke up this morning, looked in the mirror & said out loud, “You gotta bring it today!”
SO I’M GONNA BRING IT!
*brings lunch to work*
Finally found a job ad that didn’t mention ‘attention to detail’ or ‘team player’. Finally!
The instructions for this tent is just a picture of a husband yelling at his wife, that’s weird.
It was obvious from the camera angle it was AMC killing it’s viewers. #TWDfinale
Today I used bath oil for the first time. I am trying to get out of the bathtub for an hour now. Please send help.
All hugs are good hugs except bear hugs. A bear hug is like a regular hug except you die at the end…
A lot of Future Billionaires are currently in my mentions telling me how wrong I am about crypto (I didn’t really give an opinion either way but they’re HERE TO LET ME KNOW!). Dang boys you’re right. Gonna buy in and start hassling strangers online, this is how we get rich
SCARECROW: If I only had a brain
DOROTHY: I just want to get back to Kansas
TOTO: It’s gonna take a lot to drag me away from you
Which essential oil is best for getting people to stop talking to you
friend: should i have kids?
me: my kids are currently outside barking back at the neighbors dog for 10 minutes now. 0 stars do not recommend.
I wanted a 6 pack, so I started Hip Hop abs.
Quit 1/3 of the way through.
Ended up with a 2Pac.
*plugs my phone in to charge when it’s at 80%*
*lets the low battery warning on my fire alarm beep for 6 months*
[at a wedding]
“So, ya come here often?”
Ok, I’ve joined #Mastodon but also this