Kidnapper: your coming with me
Me: * you’re
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My long legs mean I can emerge gracefully from an SUV. After that, every step looks like I was just released from a zero gravity experiment.
The cable company told me they would send a guy out and I need to be home between the hours of 1pm and 2014.
[Antiques Roadshow]
When this was first painted, the wolves were much further in the background. I would sell it before they reach the frame
.@rickygervais Ricky, if you can get Twitter to verify me, you will be the first atheist allowed into heaven.
Someone just called for cleanup in the dairy aisle but I’m the only one here so I dropped the jug of milk I was holding and ran
covid positive at the same time as ur long distance crush? sars crossed lovers
New relationship be like, “what you doing?” ….”just drinking water”…”ok darling plz be careful”
Playing catch with my 8yo, I missed a high throw and said “could’ve got that in my 30s.” He replied “oh yea when you get old you get shorter.”
My heart says yes, but my ankle monitor says no
[Spelling bee]
“Your word is DEFLECTION”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“Can YOU use it in a sentence?”
Nightmares are so embarrassing bro, like u literally made up a guy and got scared of him.
[job interview]
That’s all. Have any questions for us?
“Yes, did Air Bud get to use the team bathroom, or did they make him go outside?”
I found toothpaste on my comb, door and pet tortoise and now I’m reconsidering teaching my child about good oral hygiene.
My cat just sniffed my right eye & licked his lips. When I die alone in my house, he’ll probably eat that eyeball first.
I’m not only the woman your Mother warned you about, I’m the one your Father highly recommended.
Mufasa: my son, present your first antelope kill
Simba: *hiding cantaloupe behind his back* my what now
Scar: *whispering* lmao I’m the lyin’ king
Eleanor Rigby: Yep so I’m a church janitor
The Beatles: So you must be lonely as shit. Like that’s so sad. Man that sucks so much, for you.
Eleanor Rigby: No actually, idk where you-
The Beatles: I’m going to write a song about this
inventor of the hot dog: [watching a hot dog eating contest] oh no. no that’s way too many
Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.
My dog: I’m not eating this piece of apple until you take the skin off.
Qsieowrrtpd
That’s me picking off pieces of quinoa from my iPad
I’m not sure if this woman in the Starbucks line ahead of me is ordering a drink or casting a spell.
My favorite type of Facebook marketplace sales are “people who gradually realize its impossible to get rid of a piano”
[On the phone]
Friend: I have news. Are you sitting down?
Me [from my wheelchair]: No.
what’s for dinner?
ME: indian
we had indian last night
ME: i know, but i forgot to do the ‘i see a little sillhouetto of a naan’ joke so
10: Mom, would you hand me some gum?
Me: Sure, what flavor?
10: Swordmint
Me:
10: Sharpmint
Me:
10:
Me: Spearmint?
10: YES!
Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.
I accidentally dripped some mustard on my newborn daughter’s forehead and long story short a nurse just walked in and saw me lick the baby.
I yell at couples buying houses like normal people yell at sports on tv
Waitress: “Enjoy your meal”
Patron: “you too”Patron: ‘why did I say that?’
Waitress: [being force-fed the 6th plate of food of her shift]
Atleast it’s not a pyramid scheme 🤷🏼♀️😂
