Kidnapper: your coming with me
Me: * you’re
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Mum to child: Have you got a sticker we could use?
Child produces 6 billion.
Refusing to attend my brother’s gambling intervention until they agree to call it a slot shaming
Wife: Honey! Dan is here!
Me: Dan from work? Or Dan who changes all his swears into bunny-related PG cusses?
Dan: That’s right jack rabbits, Dan is all up in this motherthumper!
That’s the last time I follow some dude into the woods just because he tells me he’s a wizard.
Yes, I would take a bullet for you.
We’re still talking about shoplifting at the ammo store right?
Love it when boxers go back to their corner to get advice between rounds. Did you try punching him and not letting him punch you? You did? Then I don’t know what to tell you. Keep doing that but more.
Me: haha why would I stop eating cheese because of what you heard in a horoscope
Doctor: stethoscope
CW: What’s for lunch; smells good!
Me: Well I made lasagna last night but lost a fingernail in it & haven’t found it yet.
CW:
Me: *smirks*
My 12 yo has this bizarre illness where he suddenly needs to spend 20 minutes pooping every time we start doing the dishes.
Well, maybe they shouldn’t have asked me to play lawn darts while my ex was standing there like some sort of human target.
“Do you want to have fun but also get more mad than you’ve ever been in your life?” – video games
November is the Sunday of months. no I will not explain
Paid rent so I’ll be at home enjoying my purchase for the rest of the week.
Remember back in the good old days when someome looked at you wrong, all you had to do was call them a witch and POOF problem solved
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a mirror, asking to be possessed by a poltergeist that loves to clean and fold laundry.
How to place cats on green screens using Adobe After Effects everywhere
Bragging about how much you receive in alimony only demonstrates how much someone was willing to pay to get rid of you.
Over all these years, you’d think I’d remember how important the “L” in clock is…especially when asking mom if I can borrow dad’s.
I’m sick and tired of people not appreciating the magic that is baking soda. Have a stain? Baking soda. Have a pimple? Baking soda. Making cookies? Baking soda. Accidentally caused a small kitchen fire making cookies? BAKING SODA!
Finally found a way to use egregious in a sentence that has nothing to do with it’s meaning
Was just walking along when I got news that caused me to clasp my hands over my face in gentle despair, at which point a passing teen with impeccable timing shouted ‘Peekaboo!’ at me.
How can kids be so dumb and so brilliant at the same time? My son can’t say “oatmeal,” but he calls it “eatmeal” before I serve it and “atemeal” once he’s done.
My 3yo just straight-faced handed me a mirror and asked if I wanted to see something yucky!
If you don’t count the six chocolate chip cookies or the two dead bodies, my diet’s going pretty well today.
Romantic movies taught me that you always have to walk out after a big argument so that 6yrs later you can meet by chance and get married.
[inventing the pelican]
god: ok so we ran out of beaks but i found this traffic cone
*reheats leftovers from yesterday’s dinner date*
*takes bite*
*waiter from last night knocks on window*“how’s everything tasting folks”
You realize a robot is telling you to pick out tree pictures to make sure you’re not a robot.
A nationwide recall of the popular children’s cereal Trix was issued today
“Just dump them out in your garden” said one long-eared FDA agent