Kidnapper: your coming with me
Me: * you’re
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Me: Hello, my name is Vikki and I’m an alcoholic.
Operator: Ma’am, this is AAA.
Me: I know. I’m an alcoholic and now my car is in a ditch.
someone told me today that young people can’t afford homes because we spend all our money on “toys like boats and ATVs” and now I am desperate to meet the one Millennial Hell-Child commuting from their basement apartment in a speedboat and giving us all a bad name.
Following Facebook saga of a missing cat. The husband rang his wife to say he’d found it but it was hissing at him and fighting with their other cats. When wife got home the cat he’d found was a different colour, size and sex to the missing cat. He’d kidnapped someone else’s cat.
I had a stormy relationship with my mother, mostly because she was a cumulus cloud
Wife: I’m going to wine down
Me: You mean wind down
Wife: No
A toaster is the ultimate bath bomb
The new employee manual at work mislabeled “casual Friday” as “cannibal Friday” & sadly we lost poor Dorothy before anyone could stop Fred.
women’s shower products be like “lock in moisture” and “rejuvenate pores,” while men’s are all “smell like hammer, you idiot”
Your mother and I want you to know that we love you very much, so that’s why we’re getting a divorce and marrying you instead.
When asked about performing in a musical for Andrew Lloyd Webber, Meatloaf was quoted as saying “Oh I would do anything for Lloyd, but I won’t do Cats!”
Played twister with my kids and now hold the world record for saying, “That’s not your left foot” a billion times.
Uglier.
Angel: But, sir…
I SAID UGLIER!
– God inventing cycling outfits.
“YOU WANNA TAKE THIS OUTSIDE?” – guy that just got a new kite for his birthday
I came to this town with only 8 dollars in my pocket and I turned myself into a success. If it weren’t for the access to another $940K I had in the bank, it might have been damn near impossible.
CEOs: we are closed, nobody wants to work anymore
also CEOs:
“It’s been months since I got laid.”
– Baby chickens
Me: Give me your tenderest of loins.
Butcher: That’s not… Please don’t order it that way.
walked in on my grandma petting my dogs head whispering “you’re so lucky to be illiterate”
Only a mother’s love …
I can never go to sleep without a bedtime story*
*listening to a Dateline podcast
me: aren’t you too old for a high chair
lifeguard: please go away
Me: “I love you so much. I bought you this beautiful rare green rose.”
GF: “That’s a cabbage…..”
Me: “YOU ARE SOOOO UNGRATEFUL, DIANE.”
I knew she’d be trouble the minute she walked into my office, stumbled, knocked over the hat rack, then somehow got her feet entangled in my trench coat and, arms whirling like propellers as she tried to stay upright, sent my bourbon bottle flying, which spilled and ignited, then
Guys, are you sure it’s a good idea to bring up proof of ownership?
i find it kind of funny / i find it kind of sad / the dreams i have most often are weird picnics with my Dad
[climbing out of a dumpster] believe it or not, I am here to help
ME: You coming to the party?
FRIEND: Will it be rad?-
M: -ish.
F: I guess I’ll come.
[Later at the radish party]
F: I think I misunderstood
[Spain, 1578]
“I’m not a witch!”
But all the cats?
“My pets!”
The broom?
“For cleaning!”
The cauldron of boiling children?
“Ok I’m a witch.”
Age 16: Made fun of my parents for going to bed at 10PM.
Age 40: Wonders how they managed to stay up so late.