Kidnapper: your coming with me
Me: * you’re
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“hey, aren’t you the guy from high school who would disagree with everything?”
no
*goes back to group of friends*
was it him?
“I don’t know”
[walking slowly down the basement staircase with a flashlight to investigate a scary noise] h-hello???
giant rat demon (suddenly appears with loose sweatpants on): dude you have to knock first
me: ah sorry martin
medium rat demon: come back to bed baby
When you kidnap a writer.
*Hands girl a card that says Be Mine*
Girl: Aw that’s so sweet
*Pulls out a pickaxe*
Me: Come on, do it I need some iron ASAP lady!
My 4yo niece: “You’re fat”
Me: “Santa died”
Telling everyone “great costume” whether or not they’re wearing one.
her: your frog jokes are terrible
me: so i’ve been toad, jen
When the client says “make it pop”, I can’t help but wonder if it’s my sanity or the website design they’re talking about.
I’ve never played Russian Roulette, but I have used a condiment from my parents’ fridge without checking the expiration date
It’s kill or be killed. Or eat a sandwich. Maybe go for a light jog. Draw a picture of a duck. There are a lot of options out there.
I had 13 items in the 12 items or less line, so I just put a banana in my pocket.
Your first instinct is gonna to be to spell “leopard” and “deaf” correctly. You’re going to want to resist that. – Best band manager ever.
I don’t usually sing Adele, but when I do, it’s usually on the toilet in the middle stall in the men’s washroom at work.
I Just found out there’s an all you can drink Tequila train in Mexico..so I guess this is goodbye guys!
I don’t know why parents complain about cereal on the floor, the crunching sound is a dead giveaway when the kids go into the kitchen to get an unauthorized snack.
You mean the stick figures on the back of your vehicle is not your kill count?
*slowly scrapes mine off*
5 lil monkeys jumping on the bed
one fell off & bumped his head
called the doctor & the doctor said
U DO NOT HAVE A PERMIT FOR THESE ANIMALS
I was having a good day until my imaginary friend stole my coloring book & crayons & he demands $100 for their return.
What a stressful day!
For some reason, the Disney movie “101 Dalmatians” was much more popular than it’s sequel “Picking up Dog Shit for Eternity.”
People will think you know what you’re talking about if you give your opinion while cleaning a pair of reading glasses.
My wife told me she was leaving me because I keep pretending to be a Transformer.
I said, “No, wait! I can change.”
My nightie is conspiring to kill me in my sleep by pythonic constriction.
Hello 911, something is wrong with my teenager and he won’t tell me what it is
16 yo me: *about to take math final* You got this.
26 yo me: *about to run a marathon* You got this.
36 yo me: *about to start a movie after 8pm* You got this.
Want to feel like a cute puppy? Follow the steps:
1: Grow curly hair
2: Wait for the petting, it’ll come
Hear me out, a Barbie whose hair color changes to gray everytime a child screams.
Me at 15: who wouldn’t want immortality, I want to live forever!
Me at 35: oh
KID: can i eat a tide pod
MOM: no
KID: this is bullshit
MOM: don’t use foul language go wash your mouth out with soap this instant
My 17yo just asked me how to make toast. There goes any hopes of a college scholarship.
I’m just a boy, standing in front of the toilet paper aisle, trying to decide whether I want to wipe with a pillow, a cloud, or a kitten.