Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Mitt Romney dissing Trump is like when an anime villain from the previous arc teams up to help stop the new billion times more evil villain

the next time u see a fork in the road, just try to remeber that at least, no mater wat u did, u werent the person who tried to eat the road

Relationship status: I’m about to go put on my camouflage pants so my family can’t find me on the couch.

I used to think “platitude” was just a really cool platypus.

Shattner didn’t go to Nimoy’s funeral, and Obama’s been on the phone all weekend with the Vulcan ambassador, trying to smooth things over.

I made a barista at Starbucks cry when I put my name down as “Dad” and he just stood there calling it over and over

me: did you even eat lunch today?

10: yea

me: what’d you have?

10: i haaaaad cheezits, ice cream and a rice crispy treat

me: your mom is gonna kill me.

Death: I’m coming for you.

Me: Oh, no thank you, I’m not interested.

Death: Lol, k.

Death: A lot of other people want me to come for them.

Death: You’re not even that hot.

Daughter: dada?

Me: no honey it’s not.

Daughter: is time travel possi-

Me: [winks].

Daughter: [runs away] AHHHHHHH!

Wife: how did you do that?

Me: I paid our son a dollar to ask her to ask me.

Those who carry teensy cute purses shouldn’t throw stones at those who wear cargo shorts, because I can carry more stones.

I have one son that loves to refurbish cars. He doesn’t get it from me, I don’t even vacuum.

I hang out with people smarter than me so when the zombies attack they will eat their brains first while I escape. Who’s the idiot now Mom!?

Dominicans be naughty on purpose so they can get coal from Santa for their hookahs

The vegetable crisper or as I call it, the cold garbage can.

When someone begins, “With all due respect,” stop them right there, because that is as good as the sentence gets for you.

How soon into a new relationship should you let her know you’re an idiot

REPORTER: still feel it was a good idea to spend all $80 million of your lottery winnings on this?

ME: [using my 28 surgically added hands to pet 30 dogs at once] yes

[a 31st dog walks by]

ME: oh no

why do we park in the driveway but fetishize an impossible and ridiculous masculinity on the hemingway

me: uhhh what did you do?

9: [frantically trying to wash his blue colored hands] nothing. I did nothing!

launch my dead body into space but not too far away. if my calculations are correct, i will win the public pool splash contest in 2076

I don’t pluck my unibrow to look good, I do it because McDonald’s sued me for illegal use of the double arches.

[touring beyonce’s house]

me: *taking off my shoes* when do they inflate it

I’m having stuff I ordered delivered to an Amazon hub for pickup, but I didn’t realize you have to give them your Amazon username. So, I’m going to have to walk in and say, “Picking up a package for Lamont Sanford’s Friend Rollo.”

[First date]

Him: I love murder mysteries.

Me: *trying to impress him* I have been a suspect in four murder cases.

Amazon Review: Ghost costume

⭐☆☆☆☆
Do Not Recommend

Poorly constructed sheet blew away when industrial fan was turned on. I would have gotten away with it if it weren’t for those meddling kids.

Experts say that human interaction is important for brain health but I’m willing to risk it.

find these 10 emoji for no good reason

Me: Do you have assorted cheeses?

Mom [exactly right next to me]: A sword of jesus?

Me: Yes ma, did you have a sword of jesus?

Dad [from down the hall]: We have lots of cheese in the top drawer of the fridge!

I had a lazy eye as a child and now the rest of my body has caught up.