kidnappers: get in the car
me: i want to sit in front
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6 months ago I made a commitment to myself to get healthy and today I’m still fat because I didn’t do any of it.
wake me up when ChatGPT can procrastinate for 7 hours before starting a manual data entry task, then I’ll feel threatened in my job
Deleted old tweets just in case i date a very famous woman with rabid fans
I always close the door to the bathroom even if I’m home alone. What if someone broke in and saw me peeing? That would be so embarrassing
Me: I ran into Aryan, who works at the airport
Dad: who?
Me: I ran into that guy who works at that place
Dad: oh Aryan
When I found out Santa wasn’t real I got so mad at my parents I stormed out of the house, got in my car and just drove and drove and drove.
It’s my son’s 4th birthday so I volunteered to help out on his class trip to Chinatown.
If you don’t hear from me again, they won.
Sorry for referring to your baby as “ominous”, I didn’t realise you would hear me through the baby monitor
How long can you soak pots & pans in your sink?
Please say 12 years
Them: Hey aren’t you that guy that keeps inventing useless things?
Me: Not anymore! Allow me to introduce to you-
Them: Oh Jesus
Me: -the portable hat!
15 Is The Age Where You Either Look Like 11 Or 25.
That’s no pocket rocket.
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You say potato, I say get the hell out of my bathroom
Mountain Goat : )
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Me on my way to annoy my favorite person
I finally feel peaceful and my mind is quiet.
Universe: Have her ex from 15 years ago contact her out of the blue and apologize for things she’d forgotten.
“Hey handsome. Why not come over to my place and eat the fried breadcrumbs I’m covered in?” she said, croquettishly.
Google needs a “you really don’t want to know” search answer.
Chocolate cheesecake so good you forget that your wife told you not to eat it.
“Don’t bite the hand that feeds you” maybe just don’t bite hands. Shouldn’t have to qualify it
My husband texted to let me know he unloaded the dishwasher.
Like, ok guy. If I texted every task I did, it’d be a novel. Settle down.
What’s that? Been thinking about us having another kid? Hold on, honey.
*calls son into room
Check it out, he glued a football to his head
Wow, my kids are decorating the heck out of this small lower left section of our Christmas tree.
My son was awake early and I told him “Happy Easter.” He said he thought that was last week. In his defense though, I did bake a ham and give him a bag of Cadbury mini eggs last week… when I thought it was Easter.
If you think today’s generation spend too much time playing video games, you should see how much time my generation spent just waiting for the games to load.
Hello? This is your downstairs neighbor. I really hate to be a bother, but I am in bed trying to sleep. Could you please turn the stereo down?
It’s in the living room. You’ll find my door unlocked. Thank you.
Having a mustache is a great way to stop people from drawing a mustache on you in permanent marker while you sleep.
Reasons to jump:
1. Trampoline
2. Skydiving
3. Bungee jumping
4. Kris Kross made you
The teenage boy cashier just told my wife that her tampon coupon is expired…and all of Target went silent.