kidnappers: get in the car
me: i want to sit in front
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*bangs toe*
*never calls toe again*
The older you get the farther away your toenails are when they need a trim
YOU: I murdered someone.
YOUR DOG: I’m totally cool with that. I love you.
******************
YOU: I murdered someone.
YOUR CAT: Me too.
a murderer snaps my neck but my body just slowly starts to turn neon green
Shout out to all you people out there who get asked if you’re okay a lot even though that’s the only facial expression you have.
I aspire to be a stay-at-home mom with no kids
Don’t mistake my kindness for weakness. I am both kind AND weak. I’d like you to recognize them individually.
I’m fine with you not liking my tweets, as I’m adult enough to deal with it. Also, your moms a whore.
Establish dominance by jumping into a cake.
[During sex]
ME: Am I making you wet?
HER: Yes
ME: Sorry I’ll tone down the crying
Remember to kick Friday right in the panty hamster.
If I could go back in time and choose you again, I wouldn’t.
I tried bringing sexy back, but it scratched me, scampered away, and hid under a car.
“It’s all fun and games until someone loses an i”
– the Pixar Logo
Sorry to all the people my 3yo has yelled at for eating ice cream in a car.
Telling him it was illegal was wrong. I know this now.
Most divorces could be avoided by buying 2 duvets.
Thanks for explaining my tweet, Dr Joke Getter PhD
Apparently Neil Armstrong used to tell unfunny jokes about the Moon, and follow them up with “Ah, I guess you had to be there.”
My doctor using a spatula to peel me off the wax paper.
Me: I’m really at the end of my rope
Executioner: HOW ARE YOU TALKING
HER: what do u do for fun?
ME:*thinks about how i break into homes to pet cats* i guess u could say i commit petty crimes
Believe it or not I’m listening to the Final Countdown in the grocery store. Now you’re hearing it too.
Daughter: I love you mommy
Me: I love you!
Daughter: I’m not talking to you. I’m playing with my dinosaurs.
Me: Cool cool cool.
Me muttering: ungrateful little…
What doesn’t kill a grammar nazi makes me wronger.
FYI: By the end of the Twelve Days of Christmas song, your home is crammed with 23 flying Birds and 50 hyperactive Humans.
Golf would be better with landmines.
[cool person follows me]
me: ok I gotta bring my A game now it’s only good tweets from here
me 5 mins later: horses r just big dogs ?
Music FACT: Australian singer-songwriter Sia has a younger sister called Wouldntwannabia.
Your coworkers will leave you alone in the lunchroom if you answer all their questions in a Porky Pig voice.
I get Grumpy when I run out of Dopey.