kidnappers: get in the car
me: i want to sit in front
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A large account followed me to thank me for a trophy through DM, then immediately unfollowed me. It must be exhausting to be Twitter elite.
My staunch refusal to procreate has deprived some very competent therapist of a vacation home.
My wife and kids are away so it’s just me in the house and I was just awoken at 1:45 a.m. by the Alexa in the other room saying, “Sorry, I didn’t catch that.”
They should develop AI that can translate bird calls.
Call it ChatCheepyT
no wonder people are such suckers for pyramid schemes because grade school taught us that if you sold $200 worth of stuff you’d get a free jump rope and we just thought that was the best deal
Well, the emergency alert did NOT turn me into a zombie yesterday, but now every time my phone rings, I cluck like a chicken.
Cop: seen anything unusual?
Me: a dolphin with a hat once
Cop: I mean around here
Me: nah they live in water
Me: I’ve invested heavily in hedgehog funds.
You: I think you mean hedge funds.
*opens door to roomful of hedgehogs*
Me: Nope.
Dentist: I would like the fish sandwich, please.
Server: Tartar sauce?
Dentist: *eyes narrow*
Doctor: “I’m sorry, sir, but you have an STD. I suggest you make a list of all your partners–”
Lou Bega: “Way ahead of you.”
Say what you want about Korn, but they really cornered the incorrectly spelled vegetable band name market.
Guy just walking down the street minding his own business when bodega gato runs out and jumps up on his walker. They just standing / sitting at this impasse for like five full min now…
Having a loose stool means two completely different things depending on if you are a nurse or a bartender.
just took a call from a patient whose bday was 04/20/1969 and had him repeat it to me 3 times
Lois Lane survived until she was, like, 30, without Superman. Then she starts falling off buildings practically once a week.
I think Superman was pushing her.
Me: “I’m not going to spend any money today.”
Life: “That’ll be $200.”
Her: how are you
Me: good
Her: you sure?
Me: yup
Her: you’re alright?
Me: yes..
Her: really?
Me:
Her: are y–
Me: people like you go missing
I stick pins and needles in the people I don’t like because can’t afford voodoo dolls.
Cannibals are so full of themselves and other people
I love when pretty people say that they’re ugly so that I can agree with them and watch the life drain from their faces.
Spice up your work day by drinking your coffee from a flask
What element do criminals hate to see?
Copper
Today’s office game is “Am I having auditory hallucinations in the bathroom or is someone sitting in the big stall watching videos on their phone?”
I’m sorry but divorce stories aren’t specific enough. If I sat through 3 slideshows of your wedding shoes I want details. How long did he let that saucepan “soak”.
“Never go to bed angry” is some solid advice if you want to stay up until 3am fighting
Me: But I was singing Britney Spears
Karaoke bar bouncer: You were screaming “my loneliness is killing me”
Me: That’s a lyric
Bouncer: You were in the bathroom
[me as a cop]
Me: Mrs Hill?
Woman: yes
Me: it’s Ms Hill now
Woman: huh
Me: ur husbands dead
Woman: h-how?
Me [hand on her shoulder]: he died
My boss accused me of being overly dramatic, I lamented in a soliloquy as I threw myself across the desk in feigned shock
the council will decide your fate
[wipes brow]
“Finally finished YouTube.”