kidnappers: get in the car
me: i want to sit in front
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KILLER: I’M GONNA CATCH YOU
ME: YOU’LL NEVER CA- [stops running to pet a dog]
Wife: It’s like we don’t even know each other anymore
Me: Not this crap again, Brenda
Wife: That’s not my name
dropping acid is irresponsible like damn bro don’t be so clumsy
Got Christmas card glitter all over me and now I can’t stop stripping.
I know it’s so bad but all the other restaurant names were taken. Anyways welcome to Feastiality can I get you guys started on some drinks
If your wife tells you to take a bite of the apple then you take a bite of the goddamn apple why was it so hard for god to understand that
Have you heard about a new sport called Quiet Tennis?
It’s like regular tennis but without the racket.
local police are looking for a peeping tom, I’m heading over to pick up an application
Some people like pineapple on pizza and some people like pizza on pineapple
Why is it called “fixing a flat” and not “retirement?”
Dr. House would’ve solved this covid shit in 20 minutes flat.
next time you are washing your hands next to somebody…
cup your hands together until the water overflows.
then look at them and say:
This water is getting out of hand
My favorite child is the one who can always find the remote.
Basketball
I was watching you while you slept. You look pretty stupid.
“When does he start playing the mandolin?”
– me, watching The Mandalorian
thanks auntie mary
Coffee in the morning
More coffee at night
Coffee in the afternoon
Unless you wanna fight
God: Okay… How about thou shalt not
*Moses looks up*
God: …punch… squirrels?
Moses: *sigh* How about “steal”?
God: People steal squirrels?
on a walk around my neighborhood today i saw two houses across from each other with a “my neighbor is a karen” flag in their yard and i’m really interested if they hate each other or there’s a third neighbor who’s just a realllll b***h
I’m single in quarantine and just found a box of googly eyes. I’m going to place them on objects around the house because I miss social anxiety.
me: [holding knife] ok i’m not gonna cry this time
onion: hey remember the end of that movie about the dog
Her: What brings you to speed dating?
Me: I just ran out of the fancy shampoo my previous GF bought for me.
Jellyfish 1: i’m so lonely
Jellyfish 2: you should try dating
Jellyfish 1: idk maybe
Jellyfish 2: *motions to cute girl* i think she’s flirting with you
Jellyfish 1: *enamoured* who is she?
Plastic bag:
Just punched myself in the face trying to swat away a mosquito. Think I’m officially done with summer. Proceed with the pumpkin spice shit.
Me: “Can you please help me with my Tinder profile? I’m not having much luck”
My wife:
I’ve never undergone actual physical torture but yesterday I was on a Teams call with someone who said “yep, yep” about two dozen times.
I don’t have a reason to post this I just love it
As I walk through the valley of the shadow of death I say unto myself I SHALL NEVER… USE APPLE MAPS AGAIN…
I’m very jealous of people who can take selfies with their dogs. My dog is like OH BOY WE ARE SITTING TOGETHER I LOVE YOU LICK FACE FOREVER