Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I wasn’t allowed to watch “A Charlie Brown Christmas” as a kid because of my Peanut allergy.

“It gets better”
– vague
– passive
– civil

“Time will put your enemies in the ground”
– specific
– threatening
– goal oriented

“Hi, I’m trying to find a book to read and I don’t know where to start.”
“Well, let’s narrow it down a little. Do you want fiction?”
“No, I don’t really like fiction.”
“Non-fiction, then.”
“No, not that either.”
“Okay…”
“Does that narrow it down?”
“Like you wouldn’t believe.”

8-year-old: I upgraded my blanket fort.

Me: It looks the same as before.

8: I added more snacks.

Finally, some meaningful renovations.

I can’t wait to eat chips. If I had known Lent was so long I would not have given up chips.

– 11, missing the point of Lent

From the other room 4 just yelled, “Don’t worry, mom! I’m not doing anything,” and I think I have a pitch for the next blockbuster horror movie.

“you are what you eat”

i don’t remember eating a handsome genius but ok

3 day weekend: *exists*
Americans:

Me: When I have a rough day, you’re there. When I need to cry, you’re there. Nobody helps me gain 10 pounds the way you do. Cheesecake:

Dude told me his sister got in trouble for drugs. I called her Bethanphetamine, he blocked me. Too bad. There was potential

Teacher: Who knows what Pennsylvania is famous for?

5: Pencils. Duh.

Me: Grandma died, can’t work today.

Boss: Thought she died last month?

Me: This time she is for real dead. We poked her with a stick.

*first date*
Haha yeah I’m a pretty laid back guy

*third date*
AnD THAT IS WHY YOU’RE WRONG ABOUT DONKEYS MOTIVATIONS IN SHREK.. figHT ME AMANDA

Science can’t explain why your bathroom is at least 9x further away from your bedroom at 1am

God: “MOSES. THIS IS THE LORD. I HAVE NEWS FOR YOUR PEOPLE.”

Moses: “New burning bush. Who dis?”

Woman: What are you taking out of your pocket?
Man: A knife. I’m a serial killer.
Woman: Oh thank God, I thought it was an engagement ring.

Anytime I cannot find my kids I just go to the bathroom and wait for them to barge in

*walks up to fountain*
*throws in a shiny penny*
*crosses fingers*
*makes wish*
*looks over at mother-in-law*
*does throat slash motion*

On the list of things I fear the most, “death” comes in as a close second to “audience participation”

It’s ironic that someone would take their last 5 seconds of life to call me middle aged.

Stages of drunk:

– I’m not drunk.

– I’m still not drunk.

– Who’s trunk am I in?

Can’t. Typing a password into a tv.

can anyone recommend some good behaviours for someone who just started behaving

[punches shark on the nose[
shark: that wont stop me
me: are u crying
shark: no its always wet & salty on my face

Texting you back right away doesn’t make me a psycho.

What makes me a pyscho is watching you through your window while petting your cat.

I’ve been told in the past that training with cats was difficult. It’s really not. Mine had me trained within a day.

Beer: When are you coming home.
Me: Right away honey.

See. Marriage works. Just choose the right wife.

wife [talking to her pregnant friend] No matter how old they get you always have to remind them to do the dumbest things
me *walks out of the bathroom*
wife: Did you wash your hands?
me *goes back in the bathroom*

When I track packages I ordered, I don’t use the number. I use footprints, broken leaves, and the smell of blood.

Waiter: What can I get for you?
Me: Steak, please.
W: How would you like that cooked?
M: By anyone other than my wife