Kidnappers: We have your husband. Send us $10,000 if you ever want to see him again.
Me: Where I should drop off his clothes?
You Might Also Like
My kid told his preschool teacher that we have a dog (we don’t) and that our dogs name is barf (?) so no, I don’t trust anything out of a toddler’s mouth
My rap name is Weapons of Mass Destruction because you go in thinking I’m going to destroy you but it turns out I’ve got absolutely nothing.
I don’t think Major Tom was much of an astronaut – Ground Control had to tell him to put his helmet on, FFS. That’s pretty basic stuff.
I made a female coworker cry on her birthday. For future reference, “I thought you were way older than that” is not a compliment.
I don’t think my car can fly
I have many questions and they all start with what the heck.
The worst thing about wearing a turtleneck is not being able to get up off of your back if you fall over.
Did someone text back with just “K”? You know what you should do? Stop texting them dumb shit.
judge: objection sustained. will counsel please rephrase the question.
me: alright, which *specific* Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle would you make out with and why?
SciFi Future:
Everything beeps and blinks.Actual Future:
How do I make everything stop beeping and blinking?
I lied. There was no crime. I just wanted to see how long it would take the police sketch artist to realize I was describing Patrick Swayze.
what if we kissed on the garfield couch
Go ahead and share your political views at this office party. We’re all friends here.
– alcohol
me: push!
wife: [in labor] I AM
me: push harder!!
wife: I CAN’T
me: oh my bad [opens door to delivery room] it says pull
Trainer: OK this week we are cutting carbs.
Me: Wait, what – even macaroni & cheese?
Trainer: Ya.
Me: …I think we should see other people.
I don’t just have a chip on my shoulder— I’ve got the whole potato
Idea: Breathalyzer tests at the airport, to make sure you’re drunk enough
My husband got our kids to clean their rooms by promising them they could watch him play video games so basically all I need to do to get my kids to eagerly do their chores is become good at Fortnite. Cool
When people say I don’t mean to brag they’re bragging about not bragging.
[ day 2 of self quarantine ]
me: i’m bored
my cat: have you tried dropping something into a shoe
Authors subtitle books “A Novel”. Why don’t we subtitle other things? Fast and Furious: A Movie. Broccoli cheddar casserole: A Recipe.
Capitalism is making me sad so I’m going to buy myself a little something.
I was lifeguarding and a little boy threw his ball out of the water and his mom goes “maybe if you ask the pretty lifeguard she will grab the ball for you!” This kid looked me dead in the eye and goes “…..where’s the pretty one?” KIDS ARE RUTHLESS LMAO
friend: ”how’s life?“
me: ”everything’s on track thanks“the track:
Do I have a charge on my credit card bill for something called WIENERLICIOUS? Yes.
Is it a hot dog restaurant? Also yes.
when you wake up in the morning after you went there last night planning to break up
Calm down, I’m only asking for your last name because I want to check how well it pairs with the baby names I have picked out for our kids.
[Breakup]
Her: We’re just different
Him: How?
Her: Well, you want to hike & camp
Him: And?
Her: And I want to be a cartoon on the internet
I have this problem where I keep buying stuffed animals for my anxiety but then my grandparents steal them
What if Creature From the Black Lagoon’s real name was Gary and “Creature” was just a mean nickname he got in middle school