*kidnapping Beyoncé* got your Knowles
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Just saw a boneless KFC commercial followed by an ad for apple flavored beer. Anyone remember when adults didn’t act like five year olds?
Damn, my printer is needy af. Always asking for more paper or more ink. I give and give and then it tells me it doesn’t think we have a connection.
On medical forms I put down Elon Musk as my emergency contact so he can build a space catapult to hurl my body into the sun when I die.
Wife: OMG this checker is so slow at the grocery store
Me doing the self-checkout: I can hear you
good let them take over I have had enough
People who get in loud cell phone arguments in public, everyone secretly loves you.
An interracial couple eating Cheerios and non-English speakers drinking Coke. We’re a Benghazi pizza commercial away from a Texas secession.
MESSENGER: sire, a peasant named humpty dumpty fell off a wall
KING: send all my horses and men to put him back together
QUEEN: should we not just send a doctor
KING: no send all the horses and men
ADVISOR: my liege, the castle will be defenseless
KING: all of them i said
If someone is bothering you with unneccessary calls to your cell number, post their number on eBay with the ad “iPhone 5S for $1 only”
Creator of Etch A Sketch:
We’ll show people drawing murals in the commercial but in reality most people will only be able to draw stairs.
I always run towards screaming. Sure, it could be a horrible murder in progress. BUT it could also be ice cream.
I PASSED THE BAR!
On the way to work and I didn’t go in! Yay me!
I asked my driving instructor if I passed my driving test, he told me “no” as we swam ashore.
Never, ever ask a woman if she’s pregnant unless you see an actual baby being born. Even then, act surprised.
Look lady, I’m sure your Onlyfans is nice but let’s wait until this funeral is over to talk about it.
Me: omg look how bad they messed up my name at Starbucks, this isn’t even close
lupita nyong’o: that’s my coffee
gf: i’m breaking up with you.
me: is it my drinking habits?
gf: well it…
me: *interrupts with empty cup straw-sipping noise for 2 minutes*
*installs mirrors on the bedroom ceiling*
*watches myself not sleeping*
If I meet you for a date and you don’t look anything like your pic, you’re buying drinks for me until you do.
I once stayed at an AirBnB with a big sign above the sink saying to not spit in it. I stood there with toothpaste in my mouth for many minutes before finally spitting in the toilet. I still don’t know what they wanted us to do, and I will never forget.
My wife was shocked when she found out I was a bad electrician.
DAD: wat am i chopped liver
CHOPPED LIVER: [in this joke imagine choped liver is a sentiemt being] wat the hell is that suposed to mean phil
-Balderdash!
-Codswallop!
-Tommyrot!
-Poppycock!Victorian Era YouTube comments
Me: you’re a coward
Tattooist: it’s just not possible to tattoo your whole body “denim”
One of my favorite parts of grocery shopping is when somebody else does it for me.
Few people knew that Albert Einstein had a brother that was an evil scientist who created a monster from body parts.
His name was Frank
Disney: okay i guess we’ll close the parks but ONLY because it’s above a category 3
(in a rowboat with 6 starving people)
“I think you mean “WHOM should we eat first”
I just took my uncle Kevin for his Covid jab. A barely noticeable prick but someone had to take him.