*kidnapping Beyoncé* got your Knowles
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I drive an extra five miles on my way home from work so I can access my mailbox from the drivers side.
Me: Do you have any homework due tomorrow?
13-year-old: Not that I remember.
Me: Do you want to check to refresh your memory?
13: I’d rather not.
John Lennon: Here I stand head in hand, Turn my face to the wall—
Me: um, it’s fine if you just count to 20 while we hide
Told my husband that I was the prettiest girl in Walmart today and he replied “No offense sweetie, but I’ve been the prettiest girl at Walmart”
“Will he ever wake up?”
He’s been in a coma for 3 weeks but watch this. *starts playing Pitbull*
*patient wakes up to turn off the music*
I saw a dad peeing at a urinal while holding his kid on his shoulders and I was so in awe of his dad skills I just gave him my kid to raise. He’s better off now.
Guy trying to flirt with me: I just can’t understand how someone like you doesn’t have a boyfriend.
Me: Here, does this help?
*turns and walks away*
Don’t you hate it when you buy organic veggies and when you get them home you realize they’re donuts
“any questions for Mr. deGrasse Tyson?”
[I knock over an old woman while sprinting to the mic]
HOW DOES AIR CONDITIONING WORK IN SPACE?
My spirit animal is a cockroach because I refuse to give up and die.
Also I’m sorta crunchy.
My lawyer dropped his briefcase and nunchuks fell out
They say dress for the job you want, so here I am, causally dressed as the moon
MyFitnessPal:
“If every day were like today, in 5 weeks, you’d weigh…”
ONE METRIC TON!!
What would aliens say if told that Earthlings shift clocks by an hour to fool themselves into thinking there’s more sunlight
If my boss suddenly revealed that he’d been Sacha Baron Cohen this whole time everything about my job would make a lot more sense
me: I would sell my soles for some chocolate right now
devil: done! wait, what the h-
me: no takebacksies
devil: *holding a pair of sensible flats* damnit
When I was a boy we had to invent snow before we could walk 15 miles through it to get to school.
GUY: I dare you
ME: no
G: I double dog dare you
ME: no
G: I TRIPLE dog dare you!
ME: [realizing if I keep this up ill get a lot of dogs] no
Who called it a shopaholic and not a boughtanist?
It’s only Quarantine if it’s in the Quarante province of France. Otherwise it’s just Sparkling Isolation.
[Advert for hiking]
Do you hate walking? Would you like to hate it even more?
DATE: I want someone who can cook
ME: [fully aware that I eat waffles while they are still frozen] I love cooking
I’ve always admired a man in a uniform who is soft, sweet and tender. I guess my perfect match is the Stay Puft Marshmellow man.
harsh writing advice: you’re not a writer if you aren’t making up your own words. if you’re just taking preexisting words and mixing up the order to form sentences and stories? you’re a DJ
If you’re ever interested in having a near death experience just tell a girl she’s not hot enough to be that crazy.
I purposely bought a small house so I could say “I’m sorry, I don’t have any room”
me: what can I do to keep this plant alive?
google: give it to someone else
72% of trick or treating is yelling “CAR!!!” at your kids.
Restaurant Customer: clarified butter please
Waiter: (points to butter) THIS IS BUTTER