*kidnapping Beyoncé* got your Knowles
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You have to PAY for a speeding ticket?! I thought it was a reward for beating other drivers..
Therapist: OK, lie on the couch for me.
Woman: I’m a penguin.
Therapist: No, I meant lie down.
Lois Lane was fired from the Daily Planet after she knocked Clark Kent’s glasses off and then panicked thinking a plane was in the building.
Me, bewildered: “What is this odd thingy?”
H: It’s called a wine stopper.
Me, whisper cries: “Why would anyone want to stop the wine?”
You only hear about careless whispers. Shout out to all the very careful whispers, where the person really thought about the ramifications before they whispered and whatnot.
I didn’t say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
Nurse: You can come inside now.
*Stands up*
*Dusts off jacket*
*Straightens bow tie*
*Fastens cufflinks*
*Ahem*
“That’s what she said”
I call my ex “Appendix” because he didn’t seem to have a specific purpose and removing it didn’t change a thing in my life.
When I’m out with my kids and I see an x-boyfriend I like to scare him by saying “Don’t make eye contact with daddy.”
Me: Man T-Rexes looked so cool
Scientist: Nah actually they looked like giant idiot birds
Me: Oh bummer. They were great hunters tho
Scientist: There’s evidence they were scavengers
Me: Ok maybe just stop ruinin-
Scientist: They wore socks with sandals
daughter: do you realize that you talk to yourself?
me: so you won’t answer when I call you but you’ll eavesdrop on my conversations?
daughter:
Gen Z will be like “OMG new life hack!” And then it’s a video of them adjusting the toaster dial
What genius called it a ‘bar’ and not an ‘alcohall’?
Women’s magazine
Page 14: accept yourself as you are
Page 15: how to lose 5 Kg in 2 weeks
Page 16: best cake recipes ever..
My competitive neighbors are flexing on me by mowing their yard first and making mine look like shit.
My aunt called & asked “is your house near the fires?”
My cousins called & asked “are the fires threatening your house?”
My dad called & asked “what’s my damn iTunes password again?”
If you haven’t tried blindfold archery you should give it a go, you don’t know what you’re missing.
request for a new client, your honor, i think this one’s guilty
[Opens a beer at the park]
“Dude. There’s kids here.”
Oh shit how rude of me. [turns] IF YOU KIDS WANT SOME BEERS THEYRE IN THE COOLER
Them: ‘Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.’
Twitter: actually, we know a little bit about it.
If I win the Powerball, I’m going to make golf illegal.
I don’t trust anyone who can pick “one favourite” anything.
Screw you, you decisive jerk.
Guys waiting their turn for a haircut are a barbercue.
Her: I like how you did your hair today. Me: OMG thank you, I passed out in my closet last night.
Welcome to Backhanded Compliment Club, it’s so nice to meet people who don’t care how they look
Is it a bad sign when your 8 year old laptop starts smoking?
Or is it just going through a rebellious phase?
🤣dope
When a Chinese takeout forgets your dumplings, you can sue them for wonton negligence. Hey-ooo!
The cops say I have to stop trying to fist fight the guy who tries to feed my house letters everyday.
“Rethink this?” buddy I didn’t even think this the first time