*kidnapping Beyoncé* got your Knowles
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Distance is my jam, solitude is my peanut butter.
Setting my alarm for April Fools day so I remember not to trust my loved ones, and finally have a reason for it.
A coworker gave me an invitation to her wedding in case you were wondering why this paper airplane I’m making has lace on it.
are you comfortable? perfect, your kid needs something
Osama Bin Laden should have hid in MySpace
My kid: “Mommy, can you teach me how to pick a lock?”
Me, on the other side of the bathroom door: “No.”
Me: Dear Santa…
Santa: *scrolling my TL*
I’m going to just stop you right there.
When I wished for simpler times, I didn’t mean people’s IQs
A werewolf is chasing you. You’re on a Segway. The werewolf is too. Both batteries are dying, and the chase gets slower and slower.
Show me your nuts.
Show me you’re nuts.See how important the “you’re” “your” thing is?
[debate]
ME: i think you’ll find that the point is moat
OPPONENT: i believe you mean the point is moot
ME: [raising my drawbridge] i do not
neighborhood watch
*rocks out at concert*
*holds up lighter*
*millennials scream*
*mass chaos, crying*
*I’m tackled*
*one old guy high-fives me as I go down*
“My hair is noisy”
“My toe nails are itchy”
“someone peed in my pants”– A list of my 4 year-old’s 3 a.m. Grievances.
me: *playing hopscotch* you sure you don’t want a turn?
guy: *hugging elevator wall tightly* yes
me: it kind of feels like you’re judging me right now
judge: it’s called “sentencing”
Shout out to Yamaha for being like, “Here’s a motorcycle. Also, here’s a good as shit piano
Motion to replace the Supreme Court with a Burrito Supreme
Yeah… My camera adds 30 pounds. But Photoshop takes it back off.
The rose petal scene from American Beauty, but just me naked and covered in candy wrappers.
Just tracked down a student to ask where his amazing looking sandwich was from and he didn’t know. How is this possible.
Has anyone else noticed what beautiful eyelashes giraffes have, or am I just lonely?
Kinda weird, but my gynecologist was still wearing eclipse glasses during my pelvic exam.
kinda wild that i pay tons of money in taxes for bombs each year and have no bombs
I barely flinch for gunshots or fireworks but I jump a foot in the air in frozen terror if your land-line phone goes off.
A comic by Hugleikur Dagsson
*goes back in time
*tells 11 year old me to say “I will be taking no questions at this time” when teacher asks me something I don’t know
It’s okay, bra. I’m ready to snap any minute now too
I should probably switch to water soon.
*A memoir
Other kids growing up wanted to be a cowboy or a spaceman. Me, I wanted to be a hippopotamus.
And I’ve still got time.