Kidnapping is a dumb crime because you’re literally forcing yourself to hang out with someone
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*licks lips*
Me: “Do that thing I like babe.”
Him: *orders pizza*
There’s nothing like sitting by an open fire..watching the evidence burn.
I keep my punching bag next to the fridge to let out my anger when there’s nothing to eat.
anyone know what happened at the 2nd noel?
I saw a guy drink a coke in the store and pay for it later, but I’d barely gotten the cork out of this wine bottle before the manager confronted me.
If Rocky 4 couldn’t improve Russia and US relations then nothing will
I cannot walk on water, But I can wobble on whisky.
That split second of panic when you realize you said yes to your toddler but you were distracted and you don’t actually know what you said yes to
Just because I have breast implants doesn’t make me a slut. Being a slut makes me a slut.
everything i’ve learned about megan fox and machine gun kelly has been against my will
Pre-surgery instructions: Do not wear makeup the day of surgery.
Surgeon: But I want to look pretty.
She carries herself with such poise, clumsy poise but still.
[infomercial]
ME: wanna know how to lose 15 lbs with 1 easy trick?!
AUDIENCE: YES!
*a surgeon amputates my leg right there on stage*
My neighbors are having a terrible fight in the front yard. I mean hanging Christmas lights. Same.
Me: Don’t text him if he’s ignoring you.
Also me: *sends him 67 messages*
Sister: What can I get your kids this year?
Me: They’ll be happy with gift cards…How about your gang?
Sister: Joey wants the Ark of the Covenant…and Sally would like anything from the lost city of Atlantis…but don’t put yourself out.
Me:
*falls dramatically on therapist’s sofa* the barista touched the mouth hole
Women and electronics aren’t very similar until they both freak out on you for throwing water on them while they’re in “sleep mode”.
Trains are just sideway elevators.
GOD: my latest creation will have the body of an ape, the voice box of a parrot, the skin of a pig, and the intelligence of a dolphin. I call it Human, and it will destroy everything else I’ve made
ANGELS: [confused applause]
People always act really shocked when I tell them that I don’t like chocolate. Even moreso when I say I don’t like dogs. But I don’t know man, I just don’t think either tastes very good.
“Ok, we’re naming our band after the next thing that happens”
*Adam busts in* Guys, you won’t BELIEVE how many crows are outside rn
the beatles: all you need is love
haddaway: I have a question
My mom was in town and stopped by with a ‘mom care package’ several days ago.
It included clean wipes because “they’re handy when you know a shower isn’t going to happen.”
I now smell like a toddler.
It’s a myth that we only use 10% of our brain, but I definitely know people who use less than that.
I don’t think the makers of protein powder have ever had chocolate.
Everybody was Feng Shui fighting, those cats improved my ambient lighting.
Everyone thinks I’m weird for carrying mini tools in my handbag, until they need to fix their glasses or cut up a body.
Worm: If you cut a glow worm’s tail off, he’ll be de-lighted haha
Me: I don’t get it
Early bird: I do
[enter password]
ForrestGump
[password not strong enough]
ForrestGumpAfterHeGrewThatSweetBeard