Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My phone autocorrected killed to kilt. Well plaid, phone. Well plaid.

Tried arranging dinner out but AC changed eat to war so I arrived to find the whole family laying siege to this Taco Bell.

I knew a guy who came so fast it traveled through time, like he’d squeeze one boob and the jizz splattered my mom in 1955

if you mash a potato and then change your mind, just mail me the mashed potato and i will un-mash it and send it back

Make me look younger

Today, I’ve been debating what my next tattoo will be. Then my neighbor decided to set off fireworks in the middle of the day for the 3rd day in a row.

So, teardrop tattoo it is.

Happy Thanksgiving and remember, unless your turkey is applying for a passport, you don’t need to take a photo of it.

My kids dressed in various parts of different Halloween costumes.

Husband: What are they?

Me: Happy, so I’m not asking any questions

If Rocky 4 couldn’t improve Russia and US relations then nothing will

I don’t understand why gyms have mirrors. I know what I look like. That’s why I’m here.

Nobody runs faster than a parent who suddenly realizes those kids have been playing silently for way too long.

*jesus walking on water*

Jesus: 12 disciples and not one of you is filming this?!

I sleep with a water gun near my bed, in case of cat burglar.

Natalie Imbruglia: I thought I saw a man brought to life. He was warm, he came around like he was dignified

Him:

I held a baby today. I was scared it would make me want a baby, but it just made me want to be a baby.

it’s so awesome that once a month i’m like “I HAVE to die. this feeling is 100% real and caused by the circumstances of my life” and then the next day I get my period

Surround yourself with people who want to give you money.

If you didn’t want a bunch of dads to meander into your backyard, then you shouldn’t have revved up that chainsaw, Dale

Doctor: You have athletes foot

Me: Omg awesome, when do I get the whole body?

Me: How was my snoring last night?

Wife [with earplugs in]: WHAT

[first date]

me: let’s just say I’ve kissed a lot of frogs

her: to meet your princess?

me: er yeah, whatever you say…

Whenever I’m feeling down on a Sunday night, I unblock my mom on Facebook as a reminder that shit could be worse.

I respect the moon’s unwillingness to be photographed on a phone

Who snuck Monday in here? 🙄

[Theater]

GF: I got M&M’s.

Me: I can’t eat those here.

GF: Why?

M: *exasperated sigh* Because it’s too dark to separate them by color.

Age is just a number, like 100 hours of Community Service.

I can’t convince the kids to come for dinner yet my husband convinced them he can do backflips, but only in his backflip pants, which he has misplaced.

If by environmentalist you mean “I try to get out of doing things by saying it’s bad for the environment” then yes, I’m an environmentalist.

I forgot that I ate that chocolate. So can I have another one?

~ kid logic

My husband accidentally locked himself out of the house, and I didn’t hear him knocking until I finished eating the rest of his cheesecake. So weird.