@Home_Halfway

Kidnapping is a dumb crime because you’re literally forcing yourself to hang out with someone

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@OfficeofSteve

I never realized that by my age, I would be so well educated in kitchen back splashes

@tastefactory

I don’t go on Facebook much so Dave, if you’re seeing this, thanks for the invite to your 2007 New Year’s party, hope you had fun dude.

@Ndeshi_M

I didn’t want to grow up; I just wanted to be able to reach for the cookies.

@rn_murse

Boyfriend: I’m home! (looks into garbage can) Hey. Did you eat like five candy bars today?

Me: AM I UNDER INVESTIGATION HERE!?*

*i did

@JoshuaHvr

Why would a straight guy hate gay guys?

Here’s a group of men who look better than you.. but don’t even want women.

You should be glad.

@TheCatWhisprer

Just enjoy the pool, I don’t need to see a picture of your feet by it.

@Moochava

Yearly reminder: unless you’re over 60, you weren’t promised flying cars. You were promised an oppressive cyberpunk dystopia. Here you go.

@drinksmcgee

When I die, the only thing I’m worried about is the staggering amount of Golden Girls erotic fan fiction that my family will find on my computer.

@nypost

KFC suspends iconic ‘finger lickin’ good’ slogan amid coronavirus fears