Kidnapping is a dumb crime because you’re literally forcing yourself to hang out with someone

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Did you hear about the two guys who stole a calender? They each got 6 months.


Experts determine Super Bowl blackout was an electrical issue, also determine grass has a green issue.


I’m only drinking two beers. Because I have self control and two beers


Instead of a condom i keep a moist towelette in my wallet because i run into buffalo wings alot more often than sex


Raising children takes a village, preferably one with many vineyards.


Accidentally cut myself while slicing a mango and now I’m a weremango


Humans are 58% water. Jellyfish are 95% water. Therefore, humans are 61% jellyfish.


Me: sorry I can’t make it to your party tonight but I’m kinda popular & I can’t jeopardise that by being seen with you..

Daughter: wtf dad?


Beyonce made a song called “Single Ladies” then went home to her husband and left you lonely hoes dancing in a circle pretending to be happy


Don’t invite me over unless you are trying to secretly transfer a possessed artifact to me.