Kidnapping is a dumb crime because you’re literally forcing yourself to hang out with someone

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I never realized that by my age, I would be so well educated in kitchen back splashes


I don’t go on Facebook much so Dave, if you’re seeing this, thanks for the invite to your 2007 New Year’s party, hope you had fun dude.


I didn’t want to grow up; I just wanted to be able to reach for the cookies.


Boyfriend: I’m home! (looks into garbage can) Hey. Did you eat like five candy bars today?


*i did


Why would a straight guy hate gay guys?

Here’s a group of men who look better than you.. but don’t even want women.

You should be glad.


Just enjoy the pool, I don’t need to see a picture of your feet by it.


Yearly reminder: unless you’re over 60, you weren’t promised flying cars. You were promised an oppressive cyberpunk dystopia. Here you go.


When I die, the only thing I’m worried about is the staggering amount of Golden Girls erotic fan fiction that my family will find on my computer.


KFC suspends iconic ‘finger lickin’ good’ slogan amid coronavirus fears