@Home_Halfway

Kidnapping is a dumb crime because you’re literally forcing yourself to hang out with someone

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@jctwritesstuff

Moaning Myrtle haunting the bathroom but it’s just me after eating Taco Bell.

@omgthatspunny

The Black Death was the best disease. Any attempts to replicate it are just plague-iarism.

@mostlysharks

me: alexa, play that song by the ting tings
siri: THAT’S NOT MY NAME

@ramblinma

Parents: “If only there were a manual for this.”

Also parents: “How dare you tell me how to raise my kids, you piece of shit.”

@ComedicBust

Before you say you “value my opinion,” just know if a genie granted me 3 wishes, one of them would be to star in Sister Act 3.

@FuckabillyRex

Just apologized to my dog for being a crazy person, and I could tell by the way she didn’t respond that she’s been thinking it for a while.

@EndhooS

Me: and i love that thing u do with ur tongue piercing..
Wife: OMG [storms off]
Me: WRITING OUR OWN VOWS WAS YOUR IDEA LYDIA
[Priest faints]

@Sassafrantz

A bride just said “today I’m marrying my best friend” it’s like hey great choice, because marrying your mortal enemy seems risky & dangerous

@OneTrickTofani

Just so u know guys I literally covered my roommates bed in 324 pieces of cornbread 2 make it a “cornbed” so ur fakes puns mean nothing 2 me