Kidnapping is a dumb crime because you’re literally forcing yourself to hang out with someone
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[first day as a waiter]
me: do you have any questions
customer: *pointing at menu* how is this prepared
me: we laminate sheets of paper listing the food choices
I ate a shepherd’s pie for lunch. He was pretty upset about it.
my kid was complaining she’s bored so I found her a tutorial on mining Bitcoin.
What do you call a food fight with an unlimited amount of food?
All you can yeet.
When someone asks me for directions, I always use the metric system just to mess with them.
“Drive 4 liters that way…”
To take revenge, I’LL EAT CHINESE.
From now on when people come up to me while I’m pregnant and say, ‘looks like you’re getting so close now!’ I’m just going to start saying ‘you too!’
I was laughing at these nerds for wearing their backpack over two shoulders instead of one, and they got so mad they jumped out of the plane
Nobody:
Kindergartener learning consonant sounds: F-f-fish starts with F and f-f-frog starts with F too, and my mom says a word that starts with F but it sounds kind of like duck. *pause* I don’t know if I’m supposed to say THAT here.
Forget the dress guys….. What color am I?
5yo: mom, my teacher says I smell better than you
me: excuse me what
5yo: I can smell more things
7yo: ohh with his nose
5yo: yeah, I can smell better with my nose…because you’re old
me: wow
I always answer “I know” when folks say “Nice to see you”.
I think it’s only polite to acknowledge their good fortune.
My girlfriend just explained to me that people can’t actually go through black holes, and now I don’t really care about space anymore.
*washes up on a deserted island
*no wifi
*swims back out to sea
There’s no such thing as a 10 second rule, with a 5 second dog.
me: i’m a writer
them: oh! what do you write?
me: mostly emails
Eccentric Millionaire: I’ve invited you to my private island because I crave the deadliest game…
Me: (nodding) Knife Monopoly
Eccentric Millionaire: I was actually going to hunt you for sport, but now I’m really interested in whatever Knife Monopoly is
I’m gonna call my mom 26 times today to tell her about all the nothing that I’m doing, just to even the score.
Phil Collins’ “In The Air Tonight” is the best ever song about a silent but deadly fart.
WIFE: Ok *deep sigh* why are you in the bathtub w/ a horse?
ME: [soaping behind Mr Butters’ ears] It’s called a stable relationship, Thelma
ME [first time on-air as a weather man]: don’t go outside unless you want your hair to look like you just shot off the fence at Jurassic Park
Ever since CATS come out things have been way off
Netflix: are you still watching
Alexa: yeah he’s here
Me: 😳
You can have kids or you can always know where your scissors are.
You can’t have both.
[in bed]
BF: Why are you scared?
ME: Cuz your Mom’s here
BF: She’s not bad
*Mom hands me pregnancy test* This better be positive by sunrise
Wakes up at 6:30. Quietly makes coffee and takes dog outside. Sits down with phone and vows not to waste entire day on Twitter.
… 5 minutes later
wife: supper’s ready!!
[first day as marriage counselor]
HER: we’re trying to have a baby
ME: ok I’ll step outside
DO YOU WANT ME TO RAP?
I WILL RAP!– how I threaten my kids
The Others (2001)