[kidnapping]
BOSS: Tape his mouth shut.
ME: [puts tiny strip of tape on the hostages mouth]
BOSS: Are you stupid? Put more on.
ME: Oh I’m sorry I forgot tape doesn’t cost money.
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If your new boyfriend carved your initials into a tree on your first date, let the fact he brought a knife be a sign of things to come.
*repeatedly tries to explain Sisyphus to classmates who have apparently never heard of him*
I wish you guys could get how ironic this is.
the michael jackson of crabs impressing all his friends by walking smoothly forwards
People who think getting friendzoned is bad have clearly never been Autozoned.
Welcome to Twitter: it’s high school except we all have gray hair.
The fact that the Mayans invented chocolate just goes to show what a civilization can achieve if they are willing to do human sacrifice
Uncharted Territory… underneath the refrigerator
THE ANTICHRIST: Hey, dad. I’m hungry.
THE DEVIL: Hi, Hungry. I’m Beelzebub, the serpent in the Garden, Lucifer, son of the morning, the fallen angel, Baphomet, the prince of darkness, Mephistopheles, Satan, the truest evil, Mammon, the dragon of the bottomless pit, left hand of—
I’m getting totally fed up with people moaning about the price of things. £4.50 for coffee, £6 for a piece of cake, £9 an hour parking – always whining.
Honestly, any more complaints and I’m going to stop inviting friends round to my place.
I’m not saying I did terrible things last night but satan just woke up on my couch and he won’t make eye contact with me.
*Don’t Walk sign flashes*
Me: [from my wheelchair]: “Okay.”
The group of water bottles in my room when I bring in another one
Establish dominance by saying “I thought you’d say that” in response to everything anyone says to you.
Dear Middle School,
How about a separate science fair for kids who did their own projects?
Sincerely,
Parent Who Can’t Build A Robot
[2 toads chillin’]
Yo, we should start a rumor that if u lick us you’ll get high.
“Whaaaat, that’s genius.”
We gon’ get mad licked, son.
In public
4: (loudly) Mummy, I stroked your back hair!
Me: Yes, you stroked THE BACK OF MY HAIR
My son’s kindergarten teacher wanted to chat with me today because my son told his class that his mom died… and came back to life!
(Man hobbles into grocery store using a cane)
5: HEY MOM THAT MAN IS USING A WALKING STICK BC HIS BONES AREN’T STRONG & HE’LL DIE SOON RIGHT
*DJ drops the beet*
ERRYBODY IN THE CLUB begins wondering why the DJ would bring a root vegetable to work with him.
*coworker drinks coffee I made them*
Me: I poisoned your coffee…
Coworker: WHAT?
Me:…with love!
Coworker: oh haha
me: The love for murder
you can lose weight eating chips and salsa if you keep the chips and salsa a mile apart
The baby just put her head on my chest and fell asleep…that means that I need to lose some weight because I shouldn’t be fat enough to be this comfortable
No one on Facebook can believe their kid is turning ANY age
If I was a dental hygienist I’d be like “Now I’m gonna rip up your gums with a metal hook and then blame you for not flossing enough, sorry”
flight attendant: sir u can’t bring that on the plane
me: this is my emotional support refrigerator
Boyfriend and Boy friend…..
See that little space between the second one?
Thats called the friend zone!
DAVID BLAINE: *cracks open egg, butterfly flies out*
ME: cmon man
DB: *cracks open 2nd egg, 9 of clubs pops out*
ME: I’m so hungry, David
*opens fortune cookie*
there’s rice on your face
*grabs wifes and opens it*
still there
*grabs one from next table*
I can do this all night
When your girlfriend comes home in a white suit, covered in bee stings and smelling like honey.
You know she’s a keeper.