Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: so.. you know how you sometimes misplace stuff

wife: where’s the baby

Save money by accidentally forgetting your wallet at home. Follow me for more financial tips and tricks.

THE 3 PEOPLE IN EVERY CHIPOTLE LINE:

– guy ordering for his whole office who takes forever

– white lady who’s never been there before and doesn’t like spicy food. ends up getting a bowl of white rice and chicken

– guy who leans over sneeze-guard and is shouty about his order

Sorry I yelled “April Fool’s” while you were proposing to your girlfriend.

I always smile really big at people in public. Tends to freak them out, out cause I’m not good at putting on lipstick.

Why call it a couple getting into a dispute into a hardware store rather than “We’ve turned this Home Depot into a House Depot.”

The only real difference between my 20s and my 30s is that now I make all my bad decisions before midnight.

CAT LAWYER: [pushes defense team off the table]

Doctor: serious side effects of this medication can include death

Me: I’ll take it

Ignorance is not bliss. It’s just a fancy word for stupid.

I have money, then I don’t have money, it all happens so fast!!

Therapist: I think you both suffer from Münchausen syndrome

Hansel and Gretel: [mouths full of gingerbread and gumdrops] why?

What do you mean you no longer like one of the five foods you actually eat: a parenting memoir

One thing they teach in nursing school is when your patient is being questioned by police, to step in with “that’s enough for today, he needs to rest” right after he gives a key piece of information, but one sentence short of him telling the whole story.

I put a complaint box in the break room… everyone thinks HR put it there… now I know all the crap people are saying about me…

New Subway rule: You must give the person in front of you a wedgie if they take more than 5 seconds to choose what kind of bread they want.

Me: Let me taste and see how are those fries…
My kid: *speedily swallowing them* no need, I can tell you they are good.

I love how my dog hears me in the kitchen and runs in, as if expecting to magically see four hamburgers and a steak just laying on the ground.

[tries a new move during sex to keep things interested]
wife: did you just dab

Me: I wanta quit
Boss: I need a formal resignation
Me: fine. I beseech thee, kindly give me leave of this hellhole

Hubs, “What are we doing tonight?”
Me, “As long as I’m with you I’m happy.”

~Watches him watch ESPN on his phone~

Me, “I want a divorce.”

[crime scene]

Detective: Not only has the victim been decapitated the head is nowhere to be found.

Praying Mantis: *burps*
I found him like that. I swear.

Detective *narrows eyes suspiciously * Put this down as a possible sex crime.

Felt great to be hit on by a kid in his 20’s on my bday until my sister told me I could be his mother.

walk through life confidently like a NYer does through a red crosswalk signal

Charlotte’s Web is the book that inspired a generation of vegetarians. It’s true. I read it when I was 7 & I haven’t eaten a spider since

Me: time for sleep
Brain: no we need to talk
Me: ugh not now brain
Brain: but this is important
Me: okay fine what is it brain
Brain: *sitting up* my name is brian

I just saw a reel where a momfluencer claims that if you just play with your toddler for 15 minutes a day, they won’t have tantrums, and I’m pretty sure this woman has never met a toddler in her life

“You can’t have 80° and 30° weather in the same week”

Midwesterners: hold my beer

me when my kids won’t try their food: you might like it

me when my kids want to try my food: you won’t like it

Love is that feeling you get when you meet that special someone who hates all of your friends.