[kidnapping]
BOSS: Tape his mouth shut.
ME: [puts tiny strip of tape on the hostages mouth]
BOSS: Are you stupid? Put more on.
ME: Oh I’m sorry I forgot tape doesn’t cost money.
You Might Also Like
PROSECUTOR: never? Not once in all the time you have lived at the defendant’s house?
MY CAT: I have never been fed, your honor
*calls lost & found*
Me: Have you seen my patience?
L&F: Hold on a second.
Me: *click*
You find my yoga pants distracting…
…would you like me to take them off?
My husband gets so cranky when I come home from the pool with only a fraction of the kids I left with
No one is more unnecessarily confident than a white person that just ordered Mexican food in a Spanish accent.
When people don’t drink coffee, it’s like ok but how do you solve the problem of being awake??
Toy designer: a remote control car that’s rechargeable!
Executive: But how will we still make this awkward for parents who buy them for their kids?
TD: oh.. we’ll just make it so you still need batteries for the controller
Anyone else think it’s weird how cancer kills more people than any other astrological sign
[Dorothy, years after Oz, recounting her adventures to her grandchildren]
DOROTHY: *Smiles warmly* When I was your age, I murdered a woman and stole her shoes.
Imagine being in a band with Freddie Mercury and thinking “maybe I’ll sing this next one”
I was filling out our census, and under “Any additional comments?” I wrote “Reese’s eggs should be available year round.”
“Hello, can I speak to Mr Featherstonehaugh please?”
“How are you pronouncing that?”
“It doesn’t matter, this is a written joke”
Feeling adventurous? When your wife calls you, text her “He’s busy” and then switch off the cellphone.
Me: I like your Prince tattoo.
“It’s my mother.”
Me: Your mother is Prince?
6yo granddaughter: wonder how far this will go
Twists doll head til it snaps off
Screeches “mom!!!”
Me: you’d make a rotten serial killer
My 4yo is asserting dominance by calling me by my full name. I don’t like where this is going
Counting my teeth with my tongue. Not happy. Getting an odd number.
“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
Show him Edna..
[mum stops slicing carrots]
*starts violently gagging until a baby slides out her mouth*
Skating rink, hockey rink, curling rink… Who decided “rink” could only mean an ice arena?? “Hey, I’m heading down to the hairdressing rink then swinging by the cheese rink after, see ya”
I was worried my kids would never know the joy of a commercial break, and then we got Hulu
PROSECUTOR: the defendant robbed 3 stores naked wearing only a teletubby mask
ME: *slams gavel* guilty as charged
Defendant: aren’t you my lawyer?
JUDGE: *missing his gavel* give that back
Sometimes 6 is smart like her mom and other times she gets her head stuck in the footboard of her bed when she’s supposed to be sleeping.
My kid: “Mommy, can you teach me how to pick a lock?”
Me, on the other side of the bathroom door: “No.”
My new toaster is making me agree to an updated user agreement before giving me my bread back.
[on a date]
me: what’s your favorite book series about a big red dog?
her: uhh Clifford, i guess
me: wow we have a lot in common
The way Burger King make you feel like a Dickensian orphan when you ask for a second package of sauce is truly something.
My mom texted me to say “we called a guy to help us with passions in the basement.”
It took me forever to figure out she meant type “possums.” Thanks for the lovely mental picture, autocorrect.
after watching what feels like 73 Fast and Furious movies… no one fills up with petrol, do those cars run on hopes and dreams
I’m at my sexiest when I find the grown out patch of hair on the outside of my ankle I missed with the razor the last 17 times I shaved.