Kidney stones? Hard pass
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There are two types of people in the world, those who sweat when eating spicy food and those whose nose drips when eating spicy food.
Why can’t Stephen Hawking dance? Because he’s white.
I’ve been hearing noises in the house for a while now and while Twitter was down last night I discovered I have a wife!
I dug a small hole in the Earth.
I did a handstand.
Im wearing the Earth as a hat.
The pilgrims ate so much at the first Thanksgiving that they had to unbuckle their hats.
My kleptomania has always been a challenge, but stealing from this bakery really takes the cake.
The real miracle is that the human race still exists after being stupid enough to kill the guy who could turn water into wine…
Idiots.
$120 for a tire rotation? trust me they rotate. buddy how do you think i got here
It’s so cute how all the free sandwiches in the fridge at work have little names.
Alcohol is a misunderstood vitamin.
*pulls home cooked meal out of oven*
*family awkwardly stares at me*
Yup, this is definitely not my house.
I always go the extra mile,
which is why my friends don’t let me drive
I’m accused of being a plagiarist. Their words, not mine.
We can put a man on the moon but we can’t find a good way to drink wine from a lying down position.
I mean yeah I’m middle class but not “stop stealing ketchup packets” middle class
Just heard a lady tell a 4yo to “get it together!” I’m not sure she knows how 4yos work.
*Ordering Chinese Food
Vanilla Ice: I’ll have egg rolls and chicken fried rice rice baby
Little known Chinese proverb – He who walks barefoot in a dog’s backyard will be sorry
I’ve been experimenting with breeding racing deer.
People have accused me of just trying to make a fast buck.
cop: we’re investigating the disappearance of your neighbor
me: i don’t know where dave is
cop: how did you know it was dave
[ups guy walks up] got an order for a human sized hamster wheel
[petting zoo]
ME: *still petting the penguin*
DANNY DEVITO: There’s other people in line, you know.
Thanks for always acting surprised by breakfast in bed like you slept right through the great pots and pans avalanche of 6:45 AM.
Happy Mother’s Day
Get in loser we’re going crying
I don’t go back to my hometown very often because I’ve burned too many bridges. And also because I am wanted for bridge arson.
Me: What do you want for your birthday?
12yo: I don’t know
Me, jokingly: Drugs?
12yo: Nah, too expensive
Me:
What can I buy my wife for Valentine’s Day that finally proves to her once and for all that I have absolutely no idea what she likes or who she is?
me, drunk, into the thermostat: alexa, how do i charge my milk when it’s at 2%?
I found my husband’s shirt in the dishwasher & his beer mug in the hamper, but the details of this caper have yet to emerge.
Wife: Wanna try bondage?
Me: SURE
Wife: [makes me build a pyramid]
Judge: And that’s how we’re determining who gets the kids in the divorce.
Edward Scissorhands: *nodding*
Kim Paperhands: No.