Kidney stones? Hard pass
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3 introduced me to a new game he calls “It’s Mine” he hands you an object and when you say “thank you” he grabs it back and yells “that’s mine”
1/5 stars, do not recommend, but honestly it’s not the worst game he’s made up
Fact: in the wild, gorillas can go hours without checking their phones for notifications.
*gets into any creepy van*
*Gets kicked out*
Presents open. Now to watch my children watch other children play with the toys I bought them on YouTube.
ME [licking my fingers clean]: do you have a plate for the bones
CORONER: what the hell have you done
Call me old fashioned, but that’s not my name and I absolutely will not respond to it.
Anti-carb diets are just radical groups of potato-phobes and spud-judists.
excuse me, are you gonna finish those fries
me, interrupting a couple fighting
I just tried to groom my dog myself, and I now fully understand why the dog groomer charges more for a haircut than my own stylist.
Remember the first day of school when you’d show up with your pencil case, your rucksack and your Flash Speed Mop?
Me: …so anyway, the doctor said I might be lactose intolerant
Mom: *hysterical crying*
Dad: you’re a disgrace to the State of Wisconsin. Don’t come home for Thanksgiving. *slams down phone*
My 7 year old was tapping away on my Mac tonight and told me he was writing a book. I think you’ll agree it’s one hell of an opening.
when dads have a rap battle
So there’s been some misinformation going around about the “child stabbing machine.” I want to correct some misperceptions. To start, the machine is built to look like a fun party clown. It’s fun! Also (and it’s understandable if you weren’t aware) children love getting stabbed.
In search of a Dom(ino’s Pizza)/Sub(way Sandwich) relationship
Husband: Your too much of a perfectionist. I want a divorce.
Me: (through tears)”you’re”
Pro tip:
If you bring her flowers to apologize, don’t bring them in a vase.
She might still be pissed. No sense in arming her.
Carl’s joy at escaping the predators captured forever by an ill-timed mud slide.
[Worm sitting alone]
WAITER: Dinner for 1?
Dumb question
W: But-
*worm cuts self in half*
*waiter shrieks*
2nd WORM: I’ll have the prime rib
Just saved $60,000 by telling my kid she already graduated from Parallel University.
Women be like ‘I hope you look exactly like your profile photo’ and then when you’re kneeling outside the restaurant holding a fish they’re all ‘Omg what is wrong with you’. I can’t win you guys.
My husband said I need a scary costume for Halloween this year, so I’m dressing up as a Positive Pregnancy Test.
I’m in a really dark place. The hamsters powering my reading lamp unionized and went on strike.
My life is a lot like taking a road trip with kids, but it’s just me pestering the universe with:
“Am I there yet?”
“I want snacks”
“WHEN WILL WE GET THERE?!?”
“I have to pee again”
me whenever anyone asks about my job: yeah i absolutely love hospitality! every day you get the chance to make someone’s day and it’s incredibly rewarding 🙂
me 0.5 seconds into a shift: they should invent a slur for customers
I stopped writing poetry when I realized their only value was to threaten to read them to people if they didn’t do what I wanted.
flight attendant: sir u r seated in an exit row, are u willing and able to xyz in case of emergency
the highest guy you have ever seen: yes
Won “Typo of the Moth” again at work.
I don’t care how old I am, the first thing I’ll always do when I get to my parent’s house is checking out what’s in the fridge.
State Farm
Like a good neighbor, stay on your side of the yard, pretend I’m not there, and let’s have as little interaction as possible.