Kidney stones? Hard pass
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me, being swallowed whole by a komodo dragon: haha, okay we get it, you don’t like to chew
Fact: The purpose of waking up with hangovers when you’re young is to prepare you for how it feels to wake up when you’re old.
My dog really needs to learn how to drive a stick
because what good is fetching one bottle of vodka.
Who’s ready for Friday?!
I’m rearranging the kitchen which is devastating for my husband because now suddenly he remembers where everything used to be.
Star Wars spoiler:
Leia is Han’s father
(At a funeral)
Im so sorry for your loss. I know how it feels to lose something you love. Last year Taylor Swift took her music off Spotify.
I’m gonna be a professional farmer when I grow up. I’ve been wanting to get in that field for years.
Crazy how everyone’s dads were born today
Bury me in a werewolf costume so when I come back as a zombie people will be like “lol what”
I fucking love Gary Larson so much
I came home & my dog peed a little bc he was happy to see me. None of my friends pee when they see me. I’m surrounded by fakes
I’m sporting Cameron Diaz’ *Something About Mary” hairdo, but tragically, the magic ingredient is Cadbury Crème egg filling.
The name’s Bondjamesbond. James Bondjamesbond.
What do you mean we “lost” an hour of sleep? FIND IT
i haven’t been able to stop thinking about this for days… what did he mean… what does he know
Establish dominance over your grandma by giving her a crisp $5 bill on her birthday.
Husband: Did you put “Deadly Wives” and “Why Women Kill” on our watchlist?
Me, picking up his socks sitting on the floor next to the laundry basket: Should’ve added “How to Get Away with Murder” as well.
Husband: What?
Me: What?
I went for a run today. Of course it was a beer run, but I was sweating.
[morning]
her: did you dream about me?
me: that depends…are you a member of the Backstreet Boys?
her: umm no
me: then no
If a Facebook video says “you won’t believe what happens next” then I replace “believe” with “care”
Her: you’re damaged goods
Me *thinking*: she thinks I’m good!
I want to open up a Shakespeare theater in a Chinese restaurant.
Dimsummernight’s dream
I’m excited to visit my Grandma tonight, but she just about gave me a heart attack
[1st date]
ME: We should totally go Dutch.
HIM: I wasn’t raised that way.
ME: *sadly looking at my wooden shoes* Okay.
there was another, tinier cement truck inside
I missed being a teacher yesterday so I let my coffee go cold, didn’t pee for 7 hours and stood in my living room repeating myself.
[product pitch meeting]
BOSS: ok what have you come up with
ME: a turbo walker for seniors
BOSS: but how would their legs even keep up
ME [proudly]: with these roller skates
3-year-old: Daddy, I love you *hugs me*
Me: I love y- Did you wipe your mouth on my shirt?
Most of fatherhood is just being a good napkin.
There is no “I” in the word “team,” but I don’t think that means anything about team work. That’s just how it’s spelled.