Kidney stones? Hard pass
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My kid yelled she couldn’t wait to be an adult so I handed her the bills, threw the laundry on her bed, replaced her pizza with cauliflower, redirected my student loan calls to her phone and demanded she get me a snack every time she tried to go to the restroom.
Apps are like “wanna skip this ad? Click this tiny x, sausage fingers lol”
I love putting on warm underwear fresh out of the dryer. I also love to look around the laundromat and guess who they belong to.
Ways to know a guy at the bar wants to take you home:
1. He talks to you.
2. He buys you a drink.
3. That drink makes you REALLY sleepy.
*Hiring an electrician
Just so I know you’re qualified, how many eels can you safely hook together and use as an extension cord
Marianne Williamson is incredible. She said at her only debate that her first act as president would be to tell New Zealand they ain’t shit
Melania Trump doesn’t want to live in the same place as her husband.
More than half of America feels the same way.
my neighbor’s freakishly loud emu kept peeking in my window while i was trying to order an 8 ft, 132 lb chocolate sack ($500)
I know I shouldn’t make hot beverages from fish parts, but it’s just my gill tea pleasure.
…No, YOU shut up.
me (hungover):
Why do I have a photo of me with a fire hydrant?wife:
Because last night you wanted a picture with R2D2.
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guy: you wanna take this outside?
me: yeah, let’s do this
[we take the raspberry lemonade out back and have a simply lovely afternoon]
the fossil record doesn’t preserve skin so there’s no proof dinosaurs didn’t have tattoos
My kid: you took my KitKat, didn’t you?
Me:
Me: I am shocked!
My kid: are you shocked because you took my KitKat or are you shocked because I could figure it out?
In an effort to demonstrate how pointless internet debates are, please prove to me that snow is real
All I’m saying is anyone who thinks it’s a great idea to buy a black car with black leather seats, needs to make sure they test drive it on a 104° day.
Husband: Quick. What’s this song?
Me: Awful.
Fake assault rifles that just have a ‘bang’ flag come out should be called JK-47s
* nudges wife gently awake at 2 AM
I think my Captain America shield comes today.
‘I dunno, maybe just use that image of the girl who’s about to murder her dad’
My wife suggested taking Ecstasy to help with sex and so far she’s banged three neighbors and the UPS guy
I stopped seeing my therapist. All of my appointments were really disrupting my day drinking.
[commercial for pants] Is your underwear cold?
Crow just flew by me carrying a whole bagel in his mouth and I cheered at the sky like my son just won a sports scholarship
Parents: You can be anything you want to be kiddo!
Me: Okay I definitely want to be an artist!
Parents: lol no we meant a real job.
If you live in denial of your emotions, it will take far longer to take care of them, because once we recognize what we’re feeling, we can tackle it or whatever is causing it.
📸: @blessingmanifesting
#positivemind #dailymotivation #keepmovingforward #personalgrowth
umbrellas are great if you only wanna get wet sideways.
Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you do criticize them, you’re a mile away and you have their shoes. End of tweet
My mother had eight kids and she’d buy a box of six Pop Tarts. Don’t tell me about your childhood problems.
Daughter found the wrinkle cream and when I told her what it was for she said, “Daddy, you should use that when you grow up” so I guess my point here is maybe 4 isn’t too young for a pony.