Kids, 364 days a year:
“I can’t find my shoes!”
“I can’t find my jacket!”
“I can’t find my homework!”
“I can’t find my water bottle!”
“I can’t find my library book!”Kids, Easter Sunday:
Can find a tiny egg camouflaged
in the grass a quarter mile away.
but whales can’t sink a sub
ORCAn they?
i think both sides are to blame here
I’m so pleased the basket I put in the bedroom so my husband has somewhere to put his shoes is making it easier for him to put his shoes next to it.
I don’t understand what you mean by ‘stop drinking so much’. How else will you know how much I love you at 2am every day?
Laughter is the best medicine……..unless you have Morphine. Then Morphine is the best medicine.
It’s because it’s Bring Your Daughter To Work Day, sweetie. That’s why. What Papa is doing right now is called an “autopsy”. Stop crying.
Him: Your beautiful….
Me: My beautiful what? My beautiful WHAT?!!
When I get the vibe from someone that fitting in is super important to them my first instinct is to bite them.
Friends with no kids are like:
Want to go to New Zealand this Friday?
One day you’re young and eating hot wings, the next day you have a favorite flavor of Tums.
Critical people b like: I’m not critical, I can just see faults better.
[talking to son on the phone]
“I ran away 3 weeks. You never called the police”
I’m sorry. We’ve been very busy with the holidays and all.
No matter how much you drink Michael Bay is still somewhere directing a “Transformers” movie.
Him: sex tonight?
Me: Work put me in a bad mood
Him: tomorrow?
Me: I have a headache tomorrow
me: I’m eating a new piece of cheese every day
them: is it for an advent calendar
me: no
hey maybe ur parents care so much about ur birthday becuase it celebrates how long theyve been able to keep something alive for
before 2018 ends, I’d like to apologize to the guy who parked too close to me at the Family Dollar. Sorry for leaving that note on your car, I did not mean those things I wrote about your mother
Working front desk at Motel 6 wasn’t paying the bills so I started dealing meth to the housekeepers. It was an Inn side job.
Everyone keep an eye on Uncle Ronnie…he’s drank about 12 Mountain Dews and just mumbled, “I’m Batman.”
Finally gathered all my thoughts and now they’re jumping me.
Our scariest president was probably Rushmore, because he had four heads
There’s no such thing as a five second rule if you’re putting it on someone else’s plate.
Why is “silly goose” a phrase have u ever met a goose they are the most serious and powerful dinosaur lookin monsters I’ve ever encountered not one of them is silly
A kid came up to me in the grocery store just now and loudly proclaimed, “Kale is my power vegetable! What’s your power vegetable?” I tried to come up with an answer but it was clear that I didn’t have one. They said, “It’s OK. I didn’t find my power vegetable until I was 6.”
I scream. You scream. We all scream. I’m not supposed to be at this slumber party.
As my friend Joe’s last wish I had him cremated and sprinkled his ashes into the coffee pots at work..all morning everyone had a cup of Joe
“I’m sorry, it’s too late in the series run to introduce a major character.” – me, meeting anyone new.
So Beyonce had a strict diet prepping for Coachella..no dairy, no carbs, no alcohol, no meat, no fish, and no sugar. I know some women with that same diet prepping for a wedding. You are marrying a guy name Dan who eats chicken pot pie at diners, ya’ll can have some bread.
I was close to catching up on all the laundry and then my washing machine broke so the lesson here is to never try to catch up on laundry or the universe will punish you for it.
