Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Next time a stranger talks to me when I’m alone, I will look at them shocked and whisper “You can see me?”..

Some church people knocked on my door and said they wanted to tell me about the afterlife. I told them I’m trying to avoid any spoilers.

woke up in the middle of the night with an incredible idea, notes app this morning says “sparkling cream cheese”

George H.W. Bush, age 90, went skydiving yesterday.
I’m 45 & I strained my hamstring getting out of my car.

hey joggers instead of those dumb little shorts you should wear batman costumes so I can feel like my neighborhood is protected

Me leaving the house for plans I made when I was in an extroverted mood

You know what else is crazy?

*googles synonyms for crazy*

god: make a guy who brings children presents

angel: aww that’s nice

god: have him slide through chimneys at night

angel: wait what

god: i want him to scream ho ho ho while riding a flying sled pulled by a bunch of those horned horses

angel: dude

I hope to be a cat in my next life so that I can make someone’s life more fulfilling without actually having to do anything for them.

Ok, but if Kit Kats are filled with other broken Kit Kats, how did they make the first Kit kat ever?

Preacher: CAN I GET AN AMEN?!?
Me: [from back row] MAY you get an amen

God only gives you what you can handle. Really? Because I’m pretty sure I could handle way more money.

Dingo: The dingo community is known for many other things
TV Host: What are cooking for us today?
Dingo: I’m making my famous baby coleslaw

My resume says, “GIMME A JOB,” I’ve had four recruiters reach out and tell me to stop watching career TikTok for advice.

Do the makers of hold music know that Mozart wrote more than one song

*pours milk over bowl of Doritos for breakfast*

A large, angry man accosted me in the street earlier — demanding my money…

Fortunately, I’ve watched a lot of Scooby Doo — and, so, adopted the manner of a dictatorial French barber. And, whilst the man grudgingly seated himself for an impromptu trim, I made my escape.

Them: I haven’t seen you in a long time.

Me: You’re welcome.

when movies add that accordion music to scenes set in Paris, they’re actually trying to cover up the fact that every cafe in the city is constantly blasting songs from Now That’s What I Call Music! 4

I need someone to pretend they’re coming round, so I will burst into life and actually clean this stupid house.

ME: I started being confused in school.
THERAPIST: Sexual confusion is norm-
ME: If America is the best country why do we use #2 pencils?

Let’s talk about Sex Baby. I regret you naming our son that. You’re a real piece of shit, Tammy.

There can be a guy with neck tattoos and a knife in his hand on the bus and I will still be the last person anyone sits next to.

My 11yo is begging me to let her get the ends of her hair dyed and says she’ll be the best child and do whatever I want if I say yes.

I already made the appointment but I’m gonna enjoy pretending I’m on the fence until then.

When you and your ex had plans to get married and now you both have each other blocked on everything

I can tell by the dents & busted tail light on your car you are serious about making this lane change work for you come Hell or high water.

If a 99lb girl eats a 1lb plate of nachos is she technically 1% nachos? I think I’m on to something…

I hate it when I try to impress a date by taking her to a nice restaurant and she orders something that isn’t on my coupon.

All these gifts today better get me laid.

Wife (in a narrator’s voice): …but, then she overheard him talking…and he never did get laid.

Me: I love you!
Girlfriend: Is that you, or the vodka talking?
Me: It’s me…talking to the vodka.