Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Son: I don’t like it when the house pees on me

Me: OMG just get in the shower

It was my daughter’s turn to pick the movie the other night and I was not prepared for her to choose a yeti documentary

can’t bark with your mouth full

I bet you’re wondering why I pulled you over

Me: “My wish is have a nice quiet retirement in a little house by the water.”

Genie:

I just want a woman with the face of Katy Perry and the feet of Fred Flintstone.

I reply to “Happy New Year” with “not if I have anything to do with it.”

I’m starving and all I have is a refrigerator full of health food. I hate who I was four days ago.

My dad says “sometimes I say shit just so she’ll give me the silent treatment!” True love! 🙂

My daughter wrote “Daddy is the best” in the snow then smashed it when I made her come inside. She’ll make some lucky guy miserable one day.

… and be generous with the lollipops

– me holding up a bank

Whenever someone with a bumper sticker cuts me off I automatically dislike the cause they support. Right now I’m not too fond of Literacy

my deep-seated irrational fear of ceiling fans has been vindicated

Actor Eddie Murphy nailed America’s cultural bias nearly 30 years ago.

You can’t be mad if I poop in it. Your the one with a toilet planter in your front yard.

[Interview]
“Tell me your weaknesses”
Me: Well, I..
*wife busts in* He’s a mouth breather, leaves the toilet seat up, forgets to take out th

Angel: So you ended your beef with the humans?

God: Yup. It’s all water over the bridge now.

Angel: You mean “under the bridge” right?

God:

Angel:

God: Get Noah on the line.

*trying to remember something*

brain: put your hands on hips

I don’t sign anything if they don’t give me time to pretend to read it first.

HR: Do you want to sign up for 401k?

Me: Are you crazy? I can’t run that far!

The book I bought on dog training doesn’t seem to be working. I don’t think she’s even reading it.

As I was driving, some stranger yelled “what’s your problem lady?”

So I was honest, I said I drink too much and I can’t stop eating chips.

My boys are gamers and I’m single

It’s like a race to see who can use the most batteries

Them: Alcohol is not a healthy coping mechanism.

Me: Okay but when I tried to keep a therapist in the cupboard above the fridge I got in trouble so…

Just for fun I’m putting these on windshields in parking lots all over the city on Valentines Day…

Whenever I read the phrase “We’ve changed our privacy policy,” I just shrug and assume they already have pictures of me on the toilet.

I came home to find that my son had installed the air conditioner in his bedroom window.

I told him, “You did a good job, but it’s actually supposed to go in like this.”

I then proceeded to drop his air conditioner out of the 2nd story window.

There is no moral to this story.

I feel confident that the person who created banana Laffy Taffy had never even seen a banana.

You don’t realize how old a movie is until you see the computer in it

I wanna rock and roll for 20 minutes tops and party for as long as it takes to seem normal before leaving without saying goodbye to anyone