Kids, 364 days a year:
“I can’t find my shoes!”
“I can’t find my jacket!”
“I can’t find my homework!”
“I can’t find my water bottle!”
“I can’t find my library book!”Kids, Easter Sunday:
Can find a tiny egg camouflaged
in the grass a quarter mile away.
Why did it have to be the dog? I have the hubby insured for $1.5 million.
Mad that so many renaissance artists were named after ninja turtles
Would make a brilliant taxi driver
Note to self: when in a bank and your kids are climbing on the chairs. Don’t yell…
GET DOWN!
There should be a good 15 hours in between waking up and having to interact with people.
If you breed Catdog with a catfish, you have a 25% chance of getting a pure cat.
Friend: Pics or it didn’t happen
Picasso: Here
Friend: Ok, that doesn’t actually clear anything up
Wife: We’re going to Jessie’s BBQ today.
Me: She’s the one with the big—
Wife: They’re fake!
Me: So?-liveTweeting from the DogHouse
For my niece’s 7th birthday, I’m filling a pinata with a smaller pinata. When she breaks it open I’m gonna yell “Oh God! She was pregnant!”
This one time, I got kicked out of the audience of “Cats” on Broadway for bringing a laser pointer.
My response to my boss when he tells me to work harder when I haven’t had a raise in eight years:
I like to move it.
But not move it move it.
Just the one move it.
interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills?
me: yes that number is zero
Dear Mom and Dad: Camp is awful and I want to go home. They haven’t let us go swimming even once, and I hate the orange jumpsuits they make us wear. Also, the counselors are mean and my cabin mate says he’s going to shank me. Making license plates is fun, though. Love, John.
Missing those days when “hemorrhoids” was just a challenging word to spell.
Me: I’ll cook breakfast
Wife: Whatcha making?
M: Poached eggs on brioche with pancetta & hollandaise
W: REALLY?
M: No. One Pop Tart or two?
Police found the neighbourhood paedophile shot in the head 27 times. Authorities ruled it the worst case of suicide in a decade.
Uses power washer to clean food stained Tupperware.
If you thought the Dalai Lama giggled alot, then you obviously never met the Mwahaharajah
Yes, my kid will do the required amount of maths homework for a 6yo… when he has kids and they turn 6.
Got a bottle of Omega 3 thrown at me.. Luckily, my injuries were only super fish oil🙃
OH YEAHHHH WHO’S THE FAILURE NOW, PARENTS?!
“@funTweeters: @River_Niles Your tweet was published in “
[her thinking to herself in the restaurant] he seems nice and normal
[me thinking to myself] she let the waiter twist her pepper 8 twists??
No one cares how old your kid was when they were potty trained, Brenda.
I’m a successful adult, and no one has ever asked when I stopped shitting my pants.
Buying a life insurance policy is best way to pretend that you have a life.
The real you is what happens when you walk into a surprise spider web.
Balloons take up a certain amount of space in the package, but if you want to know how big they’ll be when in use you have to adjust for inflation.
A Trojan ball of yarn shows up at the cat lady’s house and 40 squirrels come running out.
Not now mom I’m downloading a new virus from Limewire
Maybe it’s just the alcohol talking but I think I found the secret to ventriloquism
