Kids, 364 days a year:
“I can’t find my shoes!”
“I can’t find my jacket!”
“I can’t find my homework!”
“I can’t find my water bottle!”
“I can’t find my library book!”Kids, Easter Sunday:
Can find a tiny egg camouflaged
in the grass a quarter mile away.
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When I’m feeling overwhelmed, I like to pretend I have Christmas movie problems like “Do I move back to the small town where my single Canadian handsome high school bf lives, and open a Chocolate shop?”
2:10 – perfect popcorn
2:13 – firefighters on scene
I know I’m gorgeous, young and sexy. My secret to eternal youth is a steamy bathroom, so my glasses mist up.
Whoever removed the 30th and 31st from February, come get the 14th too
Me: What’s your favorite color?
Him: That depends. What is the color of your eyes?
Me: Awww. You are so sweet. Green.
Him: I love blue.
Hot-cross buns!
Hot-cross buns!
One a penny, two a penny,
Hot-cross buns!– I’ll have two then please.
15000 CCTVs 2b installed in Delhi 4r Obama’s visit.
This is ridiculous. Just because he’s black doesnt mean he’ll steal anything. Racists!
Me: teachers have a hard job, stop treating them as babysitters.
also me when school resumes in the fall: OH THANK GOD
I’ve started taking a brisk walk straight after dinner and it’s saving me an absolute fortune on restaurant bills.
14 takes out the trash and recycling without being asked
Me:
just in case someone hasn’t told you today,
i’m gorgeous.
Sure I could remove the price tags off the merchandise in this store but at what cost?
“you are one of the four horsemen of cringe” – my 12yo
Hootenanny is just one of those stupid made up words, like ‘ambition’ and ‘productivity’.
my uber driver sat in silence for 10 minutes, then put on exactly one maroon 5 song, then turned it off and we’re sitting in silence again. this is the most complicated relationship I’ve ever been in
(first date)
Me: *hyperventilating*
Him: Don’t be nervous. Take a deep breath.
Me: Can’t. I’m wearing three pairs of Spanx.
My mom always put safety first. She used to warn me about running with scissors as we rode in her convertible with no seatbelts going 80 mph on the highway after she had a few beers.
Postcards are just weird. It’s like, “Hey everyone, feel free to read what I wrote to my aunt until it’s delivered to her house.”
U can give out anything on Halloween it doesn’t have to be candy last year I gave a kid my cable bill it was awesome he paid it & everything
My toddler held my hand all the way to the bathroom, gave me a kiss when I sat down, then stole my toilet paper roll and ran out of the bathroom laughing in case you were wondering what it’s like to be a parent.
dog: *snickers*
priest: *sighs*
Can’t leave this facebook group because someone has raccoons living under their bathtub and now I’m invested in how it plays out
[Grade 6]
TEACHER: You can’t end a sentence with a preposition.
ME: You just did.
TEACHER: What?
ME: Ended a sentence with “a preposition.”
Exorcist came by. Says house isn’t possessed, just incredibly poorly built.
My husband asked if I had a new year’s resolution and I told him it was to not yell at the kids and then we both fell about laughing
Superman: online shopping again? money won’t buy you happiness Bruce
Batman: *ordering kryptonite* we’ll see
Yells to my family from the kitchen, “That was the mustard squeeze bottle!”
i wish jigglypuff was real imagine how well rested you could be all the time
Spy movies are unrealistic because no one could keep a secret for that long. The moment I got CIA clearance I would text my best friend like “ok so you can’t tell anyone this”
Girl I wanna be strangely inside you just like the ‘meow’ in homeowner