Kids: Always remember to brush your drugs and don’t do teeth.
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Writing prompt: You will run out of money entirely in three months and your only skill is writing.
So let me get this right. The guys on big bang theory are super smart scientific nerds, yet their elevator is broken?!
[funeral]
WIDOW: i—i just cant believe he’s gone
ME: hey [putting my hand on her shoulder] u parked ur car directly behind mine so im stuck
Ever notice how people who say “Better to ask for forgiveness than permission” never actually ask for forgiveness, either?
I accidentally called it an eternity scarf instead of an infinity scarf and now I have to drink my Starbucks outside.
[During quarantine]
Kidnapper: 25,000 by this Sunday if you want to see your kids again.
Me: how about 40,000 and you keep them til next weekend?
Some of us better hope Santa doesn’t check Twitter because if he does all we’re getting for Christmas is therapy.
I was late to my first fight club last night so I missed the introduction but it was still really fun and I highly recommend fight club
[meeting at round table]
“King Arthur, if I may?”
“Go ahead.”
“Castles but bouncier.”
“Bouncy castles?”
“But you gotta take your shoes off.”
just weaponized “with all due respect” at my condo board. and now we wait.
They say if you love something you should let it go, but I don’t think this pastrami sandwich will come back to me, so I’m just eating it.
Imagine me naked.
Wrong. Fatter.
All this forehead and I can’t remember what I went into the kitchen for.
Apparently there is a mountain high enough.
Baby rabbits🐰 look like wise old Kung Fu masters.
Everyone’s talking about how Shia LaBeouf plagiarized Daniel Clowes, but nobody said anything when Kristen Stewart plagiarized paint drying.
Grocery stores don’t change layouts to piss off the customers, they do it to piss off their employees. Trust me.
Things are finally coming to a head.
~inspirational zit
One of the few joys in my life is when my kids step on their own Lego.
“How are you single?”
you about to find out, just hang tight lmaoo
Which one are you?
1. You have a healthy relationship to social media
2. You have seen every video on the entire internet
If the first thing you do in the morning is checking your emails, you’re starting your day with other people’s problems
What idiot called it a pig thief and not a ham burglar?
me at 6:45 pm: eh the results tonight can only stress me out. prob just gonna ignore them entirely 🙂
me at 9:45 pm: WHERE ARE THE REST OF THE VOTES FROM MECKLENBURG COUNTY NORTH CAROLINA
Kinda weird that you can’t tickle yourself, but masturbation works.
I tell jokes for free but my therapist still expects payment every time he sees me perform my one hour special
so apparently if u donate a kidney ur a big hero but donate 9 kidneys and people get very upset
I like the word amongst. That’s it.
Talk amongst yourselves about it if any amongst you feel the need.
Do teenagers have to meet a weekly eye roll quota because at this rate my daughter will be the MVP this year.
A game of cat and mouse, but it’s just me chasing random strangers when I see them with donut boxes.