Kids always throw their shoes as far apart as possible when they take them off, like you’ll find one on their bedroom floor and one on top of the fridge, it’s madness
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In bed a woman called me daddy so I called her son
[inserting row in excel]
Excel: copy font format from the row above?
Me: no I’ll handle it
Excel: and copy border from below?
Me: no why?
Excel: idk :/
Me: *typing number* w-why did you make 31,320 a date?
Excel: it’s my birthday 🙂
Me: 5, 4, 3..
Friend who has only 1 kid: “Why are you counting down?? They’re all playing nice.”
Me: 2, 1, 0
Kid 1 {Scream crying}
Kids 2 and 3: “I DIDN’T DO IT!”
Friend: “Oh.”
“Accountant jokes are funny but don’t really apply to me…”
~All accountants
I could tell you the story of breaking my arm sledding but be warned, it goes downhill fast.
Just went through a month of transactions on my bank account because someone has been spending my money… and lo and behold – it was me
so loyal to apple products that the only birth control I use is the iUD
I’d love for someone to play with my hair & tell me I’m pretty but his hand would get tangled in my hair and things would get weird… Fast.
dad: You’re sitting at the kids table this Thanksgiving
me: Why?
dad: What’s a fuse?
me: Uh
dad: Who’s SpongeBob’s best friend?
me: Patr- oh
I only look good from one angle and if someone could please tell me what that angle is I’d be grateful
HAGRID: You’re a wizard, Harry.
ME: I’m not Harry.
H: Henry, you’re, there’s a blizzard.
M: Are you drunk?
H: Glenn, I’m a tugboat.
Just chopped 10 cords of wood before breakfast in case you ladies are looking for a he-man type of liar.
Women don’t consider it chivalrous when you open bathroom stall doors for them.
For real 🤣
Americans 1776: We’re going to fight for Revolution!
Americans 1939: We’re going to fight for world peace!
Americans 2020: We’re going to fight for toilet paper!
“Why does the Gingerbread Man have super speed? It doesn’t make sense.”
“Dessert goes pretty fast.”
“Please shut up.”
The bakery used a white paper bag instead of a brown one like they knew these croissants are prescription.
People say that Twitter is pointless but it’s teaching my children to be self sufficient.
if you are getting the names Jon and John confused call them by their full names, Jonaldo and Johnaldo
Facebook’s targeted ads think I have a cat.
I don’t, but I visited a friend with one and talked about it out loud.
The most powerful spy software in the world is trying to sell me kitty litter.
Skynet is here and it’s lame as hell.
Me: *Gets my kids the exact same thing to avoid arguments*
*argument ensues*
WIFE: Use the newspaper to get that bee down
ME: Ok *grabs newspaper and reads the news out loud*
BEE *depressed* holy shit
Squirrels: 1,538
My dogs: -17
we must combat the global scourge of underage baking
[running amok in flames]
WHY ARE INFLAMMABLE THINGS FLAMMABLE!?
I’m not good at quickly making up derogatory names on the fly, unless I’m driving.
Captain: Does anyone have a hanky we can use for a white flag?
Me: Here Cap.
Captain: Does anyone have a clean hanky we can use for a white flag?
I enjoy romantic scrolls up and down your timeline.