Kids always throw their shoes as far apart as possible when they take them off, like you’ll find one on their bedroom floor and one on top of the fridge, it’s madness
You Might Also Like
FRIEND: if i buy a giant iguana will people respect me?
ME: no
FRIEND: they’d stop making fun of my ponytail
ME: they’d pretty much have to
Genius.
nobody will remember:
– your salary
– how “busy you were”
– how many hours you workedpeople will remember:
– the one time you misspelled that word in the chat
– how badly you misspelled that word
– god you are so stupid they will literally never let you live that down
“Bluetooth or Insane?” is a fun game we all play when we see a lone person speaking out loud in public.
This app would like to use your location. It also wants you to mow the lawn and call your parents more often.
Cauliflower’s mom: you can be anything you want baby
Broccoli’s mom: [arranging marriage with cheese] this is all you get, sweetheart
Good morning all 👋 have a good one 🙏👌
Every parent who said “I’ll GIVE you something to cry about” was talking about 2024.
[spooky noise comes from my closet]
monster under my bed: you heard that too right
Whole Foods announced that a Prius left their lights on in the parking lot and now I have the store all to myself.
8: you can’t make me go to bed. I know karate now.
Me: you don’t say…
Narrator: Daddy-Fu always beats Karate, even though the moves are mostly tickling.
C’mon, when have I ever let you down? That was rhetorical, actually. Yes, that is a lot. Wow, did not expect you to bring out a chalkboard.
“Describe your last relationship.”
Tired: like two ships passing in the night.
Wired: like a container ship stuck in the Suez Canal that won’t move ahead but also won’t let anyone else by.
Cat: WHERE AM GO?
Me: uh
Cat: PLS DO NOT SAY VET
Me: well
Me: um
Cat: U HAVE BETRAYED CAT
A diamond is forever, and so is my teen’s grudge against me for giving her a sister and not a brother 10 years ago.
[Sunday morning]
*congregation of Catholics disagrees with priest and walks out of church*
– mass unfollowing
Looking for a job on Craigslist. A guy wants to pay $150 to borrow a valid driver’s license to rent a car. What could possibly go wrong?
If boarding school taught me anything it’s how to get on planes and trains.
interviewer: the job starts at 30k but in a year you’ll be making $40k
me: *gets up* ok see you then
I’m texting this to random phone numbers with no message
Watching a documentary on a murder in a small town and there was probably a total of 7 teeth among all the people that were interviewed.
I’ll die fat, drunk & happy while you live healthy until you get run over by a bus… See ya at the cemetery!
The most relaxing part of any flight is when you can finally recline your seat back half an inch.
[me giving my friend who owes me $12 a tarot reading] oh wow. okay. the tower. in the tarot this is traditionally the symbol for you owing me $12
Salesgirl: [handing me makeup samples] here are the freebies we promised you!
Me: [wearing my brand-new beekeeper’s suit] …oh
What Did I Just Touch and Why is It Wet!?
A Parenting Story
the last thing a carrot sees
[spelling bee]
Your word is ’embarrassing’
“Oh I don’t mind, you can say it”
No, it’s really ’embarrassing’
“Ok, I promise not to laugh”
So no pizza place on Ninja Turtles ever questioned the delivery address being “The Sewer”
Did you know that when you meet an Indian, you can choose not to mention “Slumdog Millionaire”?