Kids always throw their shoes as far apart as possible when they take them off, like you’ll find one on their bedroom floor and one on top of the fridge, it’s madness
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I yell at my kids to hurry up and then spend 10 minutes searching for a sweatshirt that I’m holding.
If you don’t believe nature abhors a vacuum, you should see how my dog reacts to the Roomba.
[At work]
“guys check this out”
[Tries to do the fake walking downstairs thing but gets it wrong & walks up into the air]
“Holy shit help”
ATTENTION:
Die Hard is not a Christmas movie. It’s the BEST Christmas movie.
Case closed.
[first day as mortician]
My boss: Find out if they want cremation or burial.
Me: Howdy folks, smoking or non-smoking?
I didn’t lose my marbles, I gave them away.
Boss: Why is there an olive in your water?
Me: What water? Oh yeah this, this is definitely water.
if you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all: I watched Rebel Moon 2 and the Netflix app worked well. showed me the entire movie. in color
lil red riding hood: the Internet told me there are two wolves inside of you
granny: *sweating* haha what I don’t even have one haha who reads things on the Internet
This Thanksgiving, take a break from arguing with people online and do it in person.
Husband: How much of the kids’ candy are you going to eat?
Me:
I was the most experienced baker at a bread factory. A roll model, if you will.
Hey, which Instagram filter takes out all the insecurities?
Me: You think you have all the answers but believe me, you need what I have up here..
*points to head*Her: What, half a bottle of mousse?
*looks gift horse in the mouth
Gift Horse: Hey, my eyes are up here.
I once dated a girl for 3 months because we were stuck in a hammock.
there are smart kids. Then there are my kids heating popsicles up in the microwave.
I forgot the word “retainer” and called my son’s mouthpiece “braces: part 2.”
Hey Verizon, here’s an idea ~ $9.99 for unlimited calls, text, and data. But, $179.99 a minute to call ex-girlfriends.
My neighbors just got new wind chimes. Guess who is going to have their wind chimes stolen tonight?
👏WHY👏DO👏WE👏CALL👏TINY👏BAGS👏”BAGGIES”👏BUT👏TINY👏BOXES👏AREN’T👏CALLED👏”BOXIES”👏THAT’S👏SOME👏BULLSHIT👏CALL👏THEM👏”BOXIES”👏IMMEDIATELY👏NO👏JUSTICE👏NO👏PEACE👏AND👏WHATNOT!👏
You: (about to show me a video on your phone)
Me: oh haha ya i’ve seen this already but def don’t ask me any questions about it
Me: Give me some space, I’m feeling claustrophobic
8 whispers to 9: Leave Mom alone, she has to poop but she can’t
the #horror is real!
I say I’m medibaked when I get high cause words are fun, but werges like fantabulous are even more bestacular.
Hey dude, there’s 10 empty urinals in here no need to stand right next to…
And now he’s talking to me!Someone call 911!
anyone know how to get an air guitar out of a vacuum?
I would most likely die like 45 minutes into a zombie apocalypse, and even more likely it would not be zombie apocalypse related.
I bet that if you cooked the entire Earth in a giant microwave, it would somehow come out cold in the middle.