Kids are a great reminder that, when life knocks you down, you can’t stay down for long. No, because literally they’re going to ask you to make them a sandwich like right after.
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I hope Obama spends the last 2 years of his term replying to all the tweets we’ve sent him.
Gotta respect birds, living in trees means they completely avoid paying property tax.
Imagine you flip to a guys stream after dieing and see this
This crime scene tape strung between two lampposts is NOT the finish line & these policemen are NOT cheering me on to a glorious victory 🙁
Her: could things get any worse?
Me: *adds raisins* there you go.
COP: Is this man bothering you, Sir?
ME: that’s my wife
Sorry man, I wasn’t trying to kiss you. You just had melted cheese stuck in your beard and I couldn’t help myself
The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink
Every parent who has picked up a toddler and taken them away from a playground while they kick and scream and cry is legally allowed to put “bouncer” on their resume’s work history.
Her: I’ve found a picture of you when you were a baby!
Me: yeah? let me see.
Her: *shows me a pic she took during a previous argument*.
My family’s invaded my house for the weekend.
As a side note my dog’s been walked 18 times
I’m not saying I hate you, what I’m saying is that you are literally the Monday of my life.
Jesus: This is where I realized how heavy you are. This is where I tripped. And this is where I tried doing the macarena and dropped you.
The instructions say to place the burrito on one microwave safe plate and to put another microwave safe plate on top of it before heating. Were these instructions written by big dishwasher?
I was visiting my parents yesterday and found this. I’m their only child.
My husband was out with a friend of ours and texted me that he had crazy news about him, then wouldn’t text me the news and said it had to be told in person, so I had no choice but to file for divorce.
I don’t care how much candy he offers you, kids, do NOT get out of Billy Ocean’s dreams and into his car.
I shortened the rope on the bucket used to collect the village’s water. Didn’t go down well.
If you or someone you love have gone to work today, you may be entitled compensation.
even after eight years of being a dog parent i am still amazed daily how quickly and brazenly my seat gets stolen
Me: I’m just saying it’s nice that you feed all these stray cats
Cat Lady: Once again, I’m not going to bring you french fries
Me: Even if I-
Her: The costume doesn’t make you a cat
Me: *purrs*
Her: Still no
Uh, guys… I just heard from my doctor, and it’s bad news. If you’ve retweeted me recently, you should really go get yourself checked out.
“Sucks to suck!” My 3 yr old yelled as she ran away from me in a busy store. You see, I don’t simply have bullies, I make them.
It’s wet right there and I don’t know why
– a one sentence horror story
Me: I wonder what the wicked witch’s name is.
7: Ding Dong.
Me: What?
7: The song says, Ding Dong the Witch is dead.
Me: Oh. My. God. 😂
My kid is having lasagna for breakfast.
Omg I’m raising Garfield!!
The Cranberries. Great band name. You pick a fruit and you get to work.
Overheard neighborhood story:
First person: my husband goes out and hoots at the owl every night around 8 and it answers.
Second person: MY husband goes out at hoots at the owl every night around 8 and it answers.
Science has enough bodies I’m donating mine to English lit just to spice things up a bit