Kids are a great reminder that, when life knocks you down, you can’t stay down for long. No, because literally they’re going to ask you to make them a sandwich like right after.
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My FIL found my husband’s childhood trumpet and then asked my 5yo if he wanted it. I don’t know what I did for that man to hate me so much, but apparently it was pretty bad.
WISE MAN 1: i bring Him gold, for He is king of kings
WISE MAN 2: i bring Him frankincense, for He is to be worshipped
WISE MAN 3: i bring Him myrrh, for praise in life and death
ME: and i signed the card, for i thought we were all sort of going in on this together
I see a guy with a sharktooth necklace.
Me: Holy shit! That’s the sharpest part of the shark. Who is this mysterious and brave hunk?
How can a cemetery raise its burial charges and blame it on the cost of living?
[Last Supper]
Jesus:”We need 13 chairs please”
Judas:”But chairs don’t fall into common usage until the 16th century AD”
Jesus:”AD?”
judge: are you the defendant?
me: haha yup, guilty as charged
my lawyer: *whispers in my ear*
me: um whats the policy on take backs here
When she rips his shirt open in the movies, it’s sexy and romantic. But when I try it, he’s all “Your Pap smear is normal, but please don’t do that with your toes every time”.
I used to hold the flashlight for my dad, but now I hold the flashlight for myself. I still can’t see anything. The same amount of swearing is involved.
[Sirens]
Dude open the door!*barricading* How do i know you’re not 1 of them?! Were you bit?!
What?! Do you not know what a hurricane is?
[grocery produce aisle]
ME: Hi, are these genetically modified carrots?
CLERK: No, why do you ask?
CARROT: Yeah, why do you ask?
Explaining a fountain to a 3rd world country must be weird. ‘Yeah we just shoot clean water into the air and throw our extra money into it’.
The guy I paid to pave my driveway hasn’t shown up in two weeks.
I’m not worried tho. I’m sure he’ll resurface one day.
Bought a new exercise program
Instructions said to stop if I felt any discomfort
So I did
im not former gifted student. i am still gifted. put me in a fourth grade class i’ll annihilate them all like i did the first time
[college career fair]
Me: I cheated my way through school, lied to professors & learned nothing, FML
*CIA recruiter hires me on the spot*
my mother has a medical podcast where she self diagnoses her ailments it’s called my voicemail and it happens every morning at 9 am.
Fun prank: Tweet “Brb gonna pet the tigers in the zoo” and then don’t tweet for nine years.
I am an influencer.
If you aren’t influenced in any way, that is on you.
Do better.
I remember the first time I saw a universal remote control. I thought to myself, “Wow this changes everything.”
Tweet like you’ll never run for public office.
Look kid, you can’t die from embarrassment. Believe me, I’ve tried.
If you thought the Dalai Lama giggled alot, then you obviously never met the Mwahaharajah
When I die I want people to say “Hmm, I didn’t know you could die like that.”
“Being nice to someone costs zero dollars.”
-cheapskates
When I’m behind a slow car I steer my car a little to the right so the people behind me can see it isn’t my fault.
If you want people to stop talking,
pull out a stop watch, start it and keep staring at it.
You should be able to mute someone in real life. Annoying coworker? Silence them for 24 hours by booping them on the nose!
You are the pebble in my shoe of people.
[morning after getting drunk]
age 23: did i make out with that guy
age 36: did i wash my face