Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You can blame those “meddling kids” all you want. But let’s face it. Your entire plan was to dress up like a ghost.

*calls boss*
Me: I can’t come to work.
Boss: Why not?
Me: Gotham city needs me.
Boss: …You’re not Batman.
Me: Oh, yes, yes, exaaaactly.

me: i’m so excited for fall!

also me: where the hell did the sun go?

i would take so many bribes if i was a judge. half my shit would be bribes. take bribes from the criminals until theyre too poor to do crime

I brushed my hair and put on mascara to go look for a tree. Sup trees, how YOU doin

GOD: Okay so you’re super smart, this is the alphabet. You can use it—

DOLPHIN: What’s that one?

GOD: That’s an e.

DOLPHIN: I’m just gonna use that one.

GOD: But you—

DOLPHIN: Eeee-eeEEEeee. Like that.

in a really good place right now!! (ordered something off the sandwich menu and it turned out to be a “toast” and i almost started crying)

When asked what deceased historical figure I’d like resurrected to be my dinner companion, I always answer Einstein.

When told it’s an uninspired, clichéd choice, I clarify Milena Einstein.

My body says you’re tired go to sleep, my mind says have you ever thought about why only elephants have knees like ours.

I predict that the Institute for the Future won’t exist in five years time.

If I had to give up one of my senses what would I pick? My sense of impending doom, I guess.

Christina Aguilera: *uses elaborate hand gestures while singing*

Me: *uses same gestures while eating a calzone*

people talk about being able to fold a fitted sheet and I’m like wow there are people who make their bed

[Starbucks]
What can I get you?

I’ll have a large coffee, black

“You don’t have to say black”

I’ll have a large coffee, African American

ME: Guess who was just promoted to be the new CEO!
COWORKER: Amanda.
ME: Why would you assume it’s a man?

If white men can’t jump, how do you explain Super Mario?

me: Baby shark doo doo doo doo doo doo baby shark doo doo doo doo doo baby shark! Mommy shark doo doo-

Other people on life raft: please stop

Me: I don’t run away from fear, I face it.

Flying cockroach: hahahahaha

These kids today have it made. When I was growing up and there was a natural disaster, we’d have to go outside and spread our misinformation in person.

I’m a long-term thinker. For instance, the green bananas I bought will be delicious in 2 days.

I just hit the back arrow on a website and it took me to a page that said “before you leave” no. I already made the decision.

Sorry I dropped you during the trust fall, I was going through your phone.

The way time stretches between the moment you put your hands under the air dryer and the realisation it is in fact a paper towel dispenser.

I have a habit of 5 starring bad movies on amazon because if I wasted 90+ minutes on that crap, I want you to suffer too.

My husband: Put on something hot and do a sexy dance for me, baby.

Me: *puts on Snuggie and does the worm*

[first day as tour guide in the catacombs] okay so all these bones came from one guy.

[Home Depot]

Me: Hi, I’d like to return this toilet plunger, please.

Cashier: I’m sorry, is it defective?

Me: No. It worked great

The restaurant scene from When Harry Met Sally, but just me getting a pat down from airport security.

A moth flies into your face out of nowhere. You could ask him why he does that, but what would you do with the information?

me: I’m working on a romcom about mansplaining

agent: what’s it called

me: Actually Love