kids are all grown up so I guess it’s time to teach the cat to drive
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I grew up between two pig farms. So, you had me at “farm fresh” and lost me at “air.”
It’s World Chocolate Day, and the latest research into human longevity shows that eating dark chocolate and drinking red wine can significantly increase your chances of enjoying yourself while you’re still here
[having house guests]
Me: omg I need to CLEANNN
[30 minutes later]
Me: you know what if they don’t accept my house then they don’t accept ME
I’m fairly certain my dogs would run away and hide if I’m ever attacked by a leaf.
I’m taking my box of wine back and filing a complaint.
It said once opened it would last 6 weeks, but it was gone after 3 hrs.
Doctor: Do you drink alcohol?
Me: Why? What’ve you got?
Me: Doctor, I’m not ready to be a father yet.
Doctor: Your daughter is 10.
When someone asks me if I could hold their baby I immediately drop my phone, try to pick it up and drop it again twice, and then say “Sure”.
7: Can I have a play date with Sally? She’s fun.
Me: Sure, but you know Mommy is the only girlfriend you can ever have, right?
Husband, walking by: Yeah, he’ll end up normal.
Guys, my heart is broken. Utterly broken.
I’ve been married more than 10 years. A whole decade and I guess even that’s not enough to fully know a person
I came home early today from work to surprise my wife. I opened the door and walked in on her watching “twilight” on Netflix
*wakes up at the crack of Dawn*
*instantly regrets drunk dialing Dawn last night*
kitchen magnet
[stranded on Mars]
me: [journal day 1] I have enough rations for 300 maybe 400 days
me: [journal day 2] I am out of rations
My mom found a Barbie Dreamhouse at a garage sale when I was a kid, but all the stickers were ripped off so I drew on appliances and wallpaper. Debbie, down the street, called it Barbie Crackhouse and now she wants to be my friend on Facebook? Ha!
Anyone who says “Let’s all put our phones down and talk with each other,” is just running out of battery and needs a charge.
My husband washed the dog with my expensive shampoo again. I sure hope that crate is big enough for both of them to sleep in tonight.
I’m not buying a coffee table until I finish walking around the furniture store barefoot kicking legs to see which hurts the least.
Why does my back always hurt?” I say while never sitting upright in a chair.
Today (Sept. 17) is international Batman day!
#BatmanDay #webcomic #Weird
me *choking on a piece of popcorn*
cat: Finally
I like to think of myself not so much as a terrible driver, but an awesome stunt woman.
Cigarettes have warning labels because they are dangerous and addictive yet vaginas are allowed to just roam around freely.
The cops just showed up at work & all the workers that have been in trouble before fled. At least that’s what I can see from under my desk.
Show me your nuts.
Show me you’re nuts.See how important the “you’re” “your” thing is?
This 1886 photograph of a young girl trying to cut a beam of sunlight with a pair of scissors is either a wonderful testament to the boundless imagination of childhood, or a clear example of the fact that kids were just as dumb 135 years ago.
im about to go on a date. im sure it will be perfectly normal and wont go viral or anything…
Normal people driving by a construction site: wonder what they’re building…
Me: what a great place to bury a body!
My 3-year-old said she wants her first car to be a garbage truck. She’ll forget about it, but I’m still getting her one when she turns 16.
Try my 6 ways to be a millionaire by 40. They wont work, but try them.
My cousin met her husband five years ago on tinder and are now married with kids but she still has him in her phone as “Tom Tinder”