kids are all grown up so I guess it’s time to teach the cat to drive
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waiter: wine?
date: I don’t drink
waiter: water?
me: she said she doesn’t drink pal
Anyone can wish upon a star, but it takes guts to wish upon the moon. If you don’t aim that wish perfectly it will ricochet off a crater, which is how we lost the dinosaurs
Friend: Good for you for working out.
Me: I said I done squat today.
“I Spy” is the easiest game to win at cause you can just keep being like “nope that’s not it”
ME: I made you some coffee! It’s even double filtered… fancy right?
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE: couldn’t separate the coffee filters could you?
ME: no
Ordered food and they got it right but labeled everything wrong. It’s like Russian roulette but if you lose, you still get a cheeseburger.
Me: So, what are your thoughts?
Therapist: Well, I think you may have some boundary issues.
Me: [In his lap] Are you saying I’m fat?!
Me as a therapist: omg same
One of the weirdest aspects of being human is that if something is cute enough our only response is to want to squeeze it until it’s dead.
If I ever get remarried, I am walking down the aisle to the theme song from Jaws.
[in ambulance]
“Can you describe the snake that bit you?”
Yes it was like an angry rope
Always live on the bottom floor it’s further from heaven and harder for God to see you sinning
cat owners will hear their cat go “prrrp” in a certain tone and be like “oh one second my cat wants the heating pad turned on”
Whenever Sting goes in for surgery, I bet the doctors and nurses have a good chuckle calling it a sting operation.
Morgan Freeman: Get busy living or get busy dying
Me: Hell yeah![After spending a week with me]
Morgan Freeman: Which….which one are you doing?
[During lull in conversation at party]
ME: Do you think you’re closer to your own birth or your own death? Let’s go around the room.
I can’t blame this generation too much for doing stupid stuff. My generation thought 7 Police Academy movies were a good idea
Having lunch at eleven in the morning because I don’t want anything to interfere with my afternoon nap.
Fine. I’ll rush you to the hospital, but then we’re doing what I want.
I got bit by an Amazon box. Every full moon I turn into a werehouse.
Cashier: “Sir, the toilet paper you’re buying goes on sale tomorrow.”
“COOL, I’LL CHECK WITH MY FAMILY TO SEE IF THEY CAN HOLD IT IN.”
me: I believe it was Meatloaf who said two out of three ain’t bad
wife: YOU LEFT ONE OF OUR KIDS AT THE GROCERY STORE
Slim pickings in the Valentines card aisle this morning. Wish me luck as I transform “Uncle” to look like “Wife.”
CNN: The boy who cried Breaking News.
I told a second grader today I didn’t have a cell phone when I was his age and he looked at me sadly and said oh so you had a flip phone?
If you didn’t want me to object to this wedding maybe you shouldn’t have had a cash bar
With these gas prices forget my kids, I’m about to buy myself a pony
if u die of a potassium induced stroke cuz you ate too much fruit, bitch that’s called a bananeurysm
Honesty is a bit of a red flag for me. Like woah! What are you not trying to hide?!
The Count of Monte Cristo is my favourite book about French Sesame Street.