Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Nana: I found you on twitter
Me: …
N: so you like the butt stuff
Me:…
N: me too
Me:…

When you have to use a public restroom.

*horror movie

“The calls are coming from inside the house!”

“Can you find out from where? I want some chips but I’m too lazy to get up.”

Walked past a group of cats that meowed at me so I meowed back. They stopped meowing and now I’m worried I said something homeowphobic

Filling a thermos:
weird that the doc wanted a stew sample

I just lived without power for 6 straight days. Hurricane Helene tricked me into camping for a week and I am not amused.

Evidence that I have the right to be silent and get drunk at 8:17am:

Kids are painting the dog in the living room.

Me: k well my phones gonna die so I’ll ttyl
Mom: But ur office is a landline?
Me: oh…so it is….K well the building is on fire, sooo ttyl

BOSS: What’s going on here?
ME: Dave’s mad because he specifically labelled his sandwich in the fridge and I accidentally-
DAVE: Not accidentally, on purpose!!
ME: ugh ok FINE. And I, “on purpose”, slept with his wife

ME: I wish I was irresistible to women.

JINN: Done.

[I’m swarmed by hundreds of otters]

JINN: Hahaha, you didn’t say HUMAN wom—what are you doing? Stop enjoying this.

ME: *Rolling around, playing with my new otter friends* More otters, please.

The east coast is experiencing a “Snowpocalypse” or as Canada calls it “Monday”

This day in history. 1675. English king Charles II ordered that all coffee houses be closed because the populace was becoming alarmingly alert.

Didn’t realize “bottomless” mimosas referred to the drink and not the dress code, my apologies to everyone in this airport.

Start replying with “In this economy!?” anytime anyone asks you to do anything. It’s legit.

My grandparents just gave me a mint condition GameCube as a surprise because they know I love video games. They think it’s new 😂🥺

[applying for a home loan]

Lender: how much is your car payment

Me: uhh

Lender: what’s your salary before taxes

Me: umm

Lender: do you know anything

Me: *smugly* a group of cats is called a clowder

You play the victim so well you probably have chalk in your pocket to outline your body

They suggested I elevate my feet and so, I was wondering if your shoulders were available.

When they say shirts versus skins, they mean your own skin, not someone’s skin you brought from home.

I’m not saying I’m a magician, but I can make all of your clothes disappear fast

My bologna has a first name.
-Oscar Meyer

All of my food has a first name.
– Jeffrey Dahmer

Uh, guys… I just heard from my doctor, and it’s bad news. If you’ve retweeted me recently, you should really go get yourself checked out.

*releases Olympic swimmer into the ocean*

You’re free now

astronaut: houston come in

houston: this had better be important

astronaut: it’s urgent

houston: fine what

astronaut: [drinking soda out of the air] rootbeer float

Interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
Me: ugh yeah the spacing wouldn’t format properly
Interviewer: OMG I hate that

just ate enough garlic bread to kill a vampire by blowing a kiss

[Star Trek: The Next Generation)

Picard: Why are they firing at us?

Troi [an empath]: I sense hostility.

Why yes, I do live under a rock. It’s called the moon.

*wears camouflage to a family reunion*

Sleeping Beauty gave me entirely too much hope that there were spells to keep you asleep for years at a time.