Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Cartoon orange juice is just pulp fiction

*puts on white shirt*
*accidentally spills coffee*
*takes off shirt*
*shoves shirt into coffee pot*
*puts on brown shirt*

[first day as hotdog vendor] I’m sorry, these are not for sale

Finally got around to emptying vegetable drawer of the fridge before something started its independence movement in there.

I have never seen an alcohol company using a drunk person for any advertising, are they ashamed of their customers?

My 7yo casually told me he added a parachute to my Amazon cart that needed to be purchased soon with no additional explanation.

I’m changing the game. I’m starting to thank people from the top of my heart.

[first day as aquarium guide]
Me: & here’s 8 snakes biting a soccer ball
Guy: that’s an octopus
Me [sighs]: fine. 8 snakes biting an octopus

Wife: Rock the baby.

Me: *plugs in amp*

I keep getting super sexy tweets with pictures of beautiful women in my “for you” list and I’m starting to wonder if Twitter knows something about my sexuality that I don’t.

Me: Man I love the eighties

Grandparents: We have names

I always end up at the store behind people who’ve never been to a store.

*Corrects the grammar on your Christmas card and mails it back*

If my wife and I got divorced and moved to separate states, I’m convinced I would still hear her chewing.

Me: Do you need a sample?

Nurse: Ma’am we just need to swab your throat

Me: But I gotta pee and I don’t want it to go to waste

[at family gathering]
Me: *shoving jumbo shrimp in my mouth*
Mom: Where are your manners?
Me: *points over at sister* She has them.

JOCKEY: “Watch me whip”
HORSE: “Watch me neigh neigh”

is it too early for christmas memes

One of the fun things about being married is your spouse stops asking what you want from take out restaurants.

You get what you got last time.

Want something else? Too bad. You should have ordered it last time.

doctor: the results don’t look good
me: oh god, why?
doctor: *shaking head* the printer ran out of ink

I want to be able to sleep like the dude who had a horse head placed in his bed and didn’t even know it.

This is Cassie. She was chasing waves when they started chasing her back. Had to throw it in reverse real quick. 13/10

Everyone seems so happy for you until they realize your baby carrier is just filled with mozzarella sticks.

I never answer my door because it’s always someone trying to get me to switch to Verizon or someone trying to get me to switch to God and I’m not interested in either of those services

If you send me game requests on Facebook I’ll visit an adult bookstore and tag you as being with me.

My mom spent so much of our trip saying “your generation doesn’t read” she didn’t get to touch her book

Have kids so you can answer questions like, “Are numbers letters?” and “How old was I when I was 3?”

Hi, I’m Emma. My hobbies include:
1. Not cleaning
2. Not cooking and
3. Not doing laundry.

Unless there’s a picture of you getting attacked by a shark, I don’t want to see your vacation pictures.

A friend with a printer is worth 8 regular friends