Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*watching Only Murders In The Building*

Me: “Where are all the crows?”

i made a craigslist ad !

First date idea.

Pick your favorite pizza place, and send one to my house.

My son didn’t want to get up for school today, so I promised him that if he got up and went to school today, I wouldn’t make him go tomorrow.

We were about halfway to the bus stop when he realized that it’s Friday.

Parenting talk translated.

“Come on you’re very tired, you need to get to bed.”

Actually means:

“Come on, I’m very tired, you need to get to bed.”

*opening heating bill* I wonder how much coal will fit in my stocking

Hypnotist: [crying in a corner] why aren’t you getting sleepy!?

3 year old: I’m thirsty

Husband uses any old plate for family members.
Also husband uses the best plate for the cat.

I hate when our cat runs into the room, hisses at an empty chair then runs back out and I end up in the bathtub holding a crucifix.

*pulling up to toll both with megaphone in hand*
Booth operator: ma’am please not again
Me: someBODY once tolled me—

HR: Please don’t begin all your letters with “Dearest….”

COP: I need to see some ID

ME: [hands him ID]

COP: this isn’t yours

ME: you said “some”

COP: lol wow good point you’re free to go

[on a date]
ME: Tell me about yourself.
DATE: October 5.

[later]
ME: When can I see you again?
DATE: Maybe in a year.

Nurse: “Have you had any unexplained weight gain this past year?”

Me: “No, there are explanations.”

I’m forced to conclude that not liking my tweets is a you problem.

Starting a YouTube channel where I’ll react to people reacting to people reacting to reaction videos.

Interviewer: And your references?

Me: 90’s television mostly.

When someone trying to leave me

If I ever lose my girlfriend in the mall I just start checking other girls out and bam there she is yelling at me

[road trip]

DAUGHTER: I have to use the bathroom.
ME: *pulls into rest stop*
DAUGHTER: Thanks.
ME: Make sure you’re back in 5 minutes.
DAUGHTER: I will.
ME: We accidentally left your brother behind once.
DAUGHTER: I don’t have a brother.
ME: Exactly.

Look out. The Guest Who Wants to Help in the Kitchen has arrived. She is me and she does nothing well.

me: look, I’m just saying things have gotten really complicated, and I think we need to start over

box of plastic wrap:

[during sex]

Can I call my mom? She said this would never happen. Wait-will you call her? Tell her this is happening! She’ll believe you.

Husband: Want to go for a run?

Me: You know I don’t run.

Also me: *sees a food truck and takes off running*

[At the police station]

Cop: can you describe the incident with this *checks notes* this Jabberwocky? Start from the beginning

Me: Twas brillig, and the slithy toves Did gyre and gimble in the wabe; All mimsy were the borogoves, And the mome raths outgrabe

Cop: okay what

“i absorbed my twin in utero” dont care. not even impressive. i absorbed a guy just last week. fully grown man. had a family. might absorb them too

I already tried new things thanks.

anything is an appetizer if you eat more food after

You can either clean your home before guests arrive or hand them a tequila shot as soon as they arrive.

Shots it is!

Friend: I can’t stand one-uppers.

Me: I can’t stand them more.