“Kids are disgusting”, I say as I blow my nose in a hanky that hasn’t been washed in 42 years.
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I’m only up to Covid 15.
No Spoilers Please!
The Shining is on…
…can’t decide if I should watch it or just keep living it.
Apparently John Oliver is too awesome for words. But we already knew that.
Writer: My biggest fear is a blank piece of paper
The Rock: I hear ya buddy
Best part about wearing glasses is taking them off when you’re making a point so people know shit’s about to get real.
There should be a place on the organ donor card that lets you leave your middle finger to a person you hate.
[pushing cheese slice into ATM which is repeatedly rejected] you don’t know value
Not a creature was stirring, not even a… oops never mind, the Aussies are up.
So when Steve Jobs started Apple in his garage he was an “innovator” but when I work out of my garage I’m “under arrest” for “selling meth.”
I’m thinking about redesigning my house with a brand new family.
Vaccines in Australia are called emunizations.
Me: Ah-woooo!
The Moon: [swipes left]
saw the new Barbie movie and to be honest I expected a lot more shrimp to be thrown on her
I never wanted to be a member of the Addams Family for Halloween because my fingers would be raw from snapping them the whole night.
People who bite popsicles, where are the bodies hidden?
me: how do you like the future?
lincoln: it’s– omg stop the car
me: what is it?
lincoln: *pointing to ‘children at play’ sign* we have to warn them
When your house haunted but you got nowhere else to go
Only rings I’m interested in are made from onions.
Mailman left a package on my porch labeled “Do Not Bend.” I can’t figure out how to pick it up.
[The year was 2050]
“Grandpa why are you sitting outside”
“There was a time when this was illegal you know”
If you introduce yourself as Sal, just know that I will be disappointed when you reveal that’s NOT short for Salami
Note to self: when in a bank and your kids are climbing on the chairs. Don’t yell…
GET DOWN!
Your baby’s cute. Not baby elephant cute, but still cute.
Imagine falling in love with someone and then finding out they say “worthwild”
“gravy is not a beverage.” ok well that’s why I was trying to drink it in the bathroom, so you wouldn’t see me
My daughter went back to college today and I texted her that I missed her so much and she texted back 2.5 hours later, “Yes.” Then, “Sorry, that wasn’t for you.”
I WAS IN LABOR FOR 14 HOURS
…in my purse, in my coat pocket, in the fridge, in the pantry, beside the corkscrew…
[Chapstick Season]
*Food arrives*
*Waits 3 days*
*Slowly takes bite of food*
*Waitress appears from under the table in camouflage*
HOW IS EVERYTHING??
When children vomit, sometimes it sounds like they’re saying the names of Ikea furniture.
The holidays are always tough on me….
One year for Christmas , I made a gingerbread house that wasn’t up to code & it collapsed on a tiny, little gingerbread family.
Still haunts me.