“Kids are disgusting”, I say as I blow my nose in a hanky that hasn’t been washed in 42 years.
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#SaturdayBears
I would actually consider watching The Bachelor if one of the girls was a Praying Mantis.
Apple is now sponsoring the Super Bowl halftime performance.
That means it won’t be noticeably different from last year’s and we’ll have to update our TVs halfway through.
My greatest fear is having a star athlete injure himself and having the coach look into the crowd and point at me to take his place
me: waiter this soup is cold
waiter: it’s Gazpacho
me: Gazpacho this soup is cold
“Say ur a bad girl”
I’m a bad girl
“oooh yeah, and tell me what bad girls do…”
ooh i’m gonna sign up for 3 months of yoga and only go twice
DATE: I want to date someone that loves the ocean
MY BRAIN: say you like swimming
MY MOUTH: the Titanic was an inside job
Yes I wore a $900 fuchsia southern belle dress to your kid’s baptism. When I was your bridesmaid, you said I could always wear it again.
My mother had a cure for slouching. I still flinch when there’s movement in my periphery, but I’ve got posture like a Marine.
(Someone finally shuts off a car alarm)
Philip Glass: (sticks head out of apartment window above) HEY I WAS LISTENING TO THAT
*Michael Cera presses too hard with a crayon and breaks his wrist*
“His and hers” gifts are the thoughtful choice for any wedding. The division of property goes so much more smoothly.
doctor: we had to remove your appendix
JRR Tolkien: but that’s where I explain why elves hate dwarves
I had two werewolves inside me, but I lost them both, so now I have wherewolves
FIRST GUY TO RECEIVE A LETTER IN AN ENVELOPE: oh I get it she wrapped up a piece of paper in…. another piece of paper
uʍop ǝpısdn pǝuɹnʇ-pǝddıןɟ ʇob ǝɟıן ʎɯ
ʍoɥ ʇnoqɐ ןןɐ ʎɹoʇs ɐ sı sıɥʇ ‘ʍou
dumbledore: you know what this spot needs
hogwarts gardener: rose bu-
dimbledore: a tree that kills students
hogwarts gardener: what
dumbledore: plant the death tree
Me: Evil always thinks it’s doing right
My boss: I am just asking you to put your air-pods away for the meeting!!!
No one is as glued to any piece of reading material as a parent counting down the songs in the program of a really boring school concert.
captain: any leads in the diarrhea case
detective: nothing solid
The only thing sexier than a girl wearing glasses is a girl wearing only glasses.
“I’m not ordering fries, I’ll just eat some of yours” -Former friends of mine
They should make a sitcom where Gordon Ramsay works in a prison as a culinary instructor to prisoners with anger issues.
I see that my reputation for using just slightly the wrong word proceeds me.
[police lineup]
COP: number three step forward and say the phrase on your card
ME: who says you can’t pull your chair right up to the buffet?
WITNESS: omg yes that’s him, officer
[inventing Canada geese] what if bagpipes could fly
[Tornado warning]
Me: It says to seek shelter.
Husband: We’re in the house.
M: They mean the basement.
H: I’m more afraid of the basement than I am a tornado.