Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Judging by their knives, the Swiss Army is mostly bartenders.

“WHAAAAATTT?” – The first almond to be milked

If he marries someone else, raises a family, and leads a very fulfilling life, maybe he’s just not that into you.

Plugging your phone into your work computer: “Would you like this device to access your photos?”

No! Abort! Abort!!

Parenting is about lovingly tucking your kids into bed at night and still waking up with a small foot on your face.

After stressing and exhausting myself over making Christmas magic, I remembered my children are the real magic of Christmas.

Oh wait I made them too.

I put on pants like everybody else. Whenever there’s a knock on the front door

At this point, I’m not sure if my house is a mess or my mess is a house.

[grandma’s house]
Little Red Riding Hood: Are you going to eat me?
Wolf: I just want my hoodie back.

you, a host: “Mike what are you bringing to Thanksgiving?”

Me, the ultimate guest: “the most important dish of all

so im jus chilig on a ledge premtendig to be gargoyle when these firemen show up tellig me dont jump but they got a big trampoline so idk

i wasn’t in favor of banning tiktok until i found out there is a part of it called “watertok” where people share “water recipes”. what do you mean water recipes. all you need is cold water. it’s a tasty treat

Watching the Olympics I was inspired to get back out running as I’ve put quite a bit of timber on. Pulled a muscle trying to pull up my running socks. The mrs hasn’t stopped laughing

I changed my relationship status to “I’m sharpening my knives” on Facebook so my boyfriend’s family will never come visit

John won’t let me go to dinner in my towel even thought it is my favorite outfit

Popeye just relied on the spinach to turn him into a bucking mule or his hands into sledgehammers. He really had no fighting technique.

It’s a good thing I’m not Batman, because there’s NO WAY I would keep that shit secret.

A new survey shows that most Canadians want homes and pets rather than marriage and kids. Especially people who are already married with kids.

[400 pages into a fantasy book] ok there is no way this is real

QUESTIONNAIRE

Do you need glasses?
[ ] Yes
[ ] No

X

I hope someday they make tombstones that have a short repetitive video of the deceased person, so that my last words can be “I’ll be back in a gif!”

Me to Gonzo: Stop chasing after her! She’s toxic!
Gonzo: You don’t even know her, Mom!
Me: Well, I know she’s a toad.

I wrote ‘WILL YOU MARRY ME?’ on a balloon. However, before I could propose…

-I popped the question

*starts slow clap*
*Clap. Clap. Clap. Clap*
“Sir, your pizza will be ready in 15 minutes!”
*slow claps for 15 minutes*

Are “authorities” ever not ” baffled?”

What’s it called when you plant a ghost pepper plant and when it starts making peppers you don’t eat them because you’re afraid they’ll be too hot?

I’m that

Just walked up to a white van in the parking lot and it literally sped away.

*Blindfolds myself
*Rage eats candy

Stop showing me pictures of british people’s breakfast I’ve already been through enough

product manager: what color should we make the bottle

guy who invented hydrogen peroxide: the brownest brown you can imagine

You’re born, you grow up, have kids, Mick Jagger is still alive, you die, your kids have kids, Mick Jagger is still alive……