Kids are easy to care for until they learn to roll over. After that you’re never
sure what they’re up to for the rest of their lives.
You Might Also Like
My favourite part of the Bible is when the little guy finally throws his ring into the volcano.
why are they building a Whole Foods over here? we’re regular people, we need Quarter Foods
God will never give you more than you can handle, unless you were born in the wrong place or don’t have money. That makes God super mad.
Guess how many times pre-wrapped convenience store firewood helped me get laid.
Boss: You can’t or you won’t do it?
Me: Yes
Nobody likes a quitter, Glenn.
The Ugly Duckling is my favorite story about how everything is okay as long as you eventually become hot.
People who say 45 minutes past the hour are the same ones who have kids 89 and 63 months old
LIBRARIAN: our library has three stories
ME: shouldn’t it have more?
when serial killers go for a run do they take the psycho path
Anyone else pick up clothes from the floor, knowing full well they are clean, and throw them in the laundry because that’s another day’s problem?
Please tell me I’m not alone on this.
I just came across my wife’s Tinder profile and I’m so angry about her lies.
She is not “fun to be around”.
my friends when i can’t do basic math
They say “keep your friends close and your enemies closer” so if I offer you a piggyback ride just know we have beef
To be honest, the only thing I really like about being a grownup is getting to eat a Popsicle right after I finish eating a Popsicle.
Me: I ran into Aryan, who works at the airport
Dad: who?
Me: I ran into that guy who works at that place
Dad: oh Aryan
i want the first line of my obituary to be about how i once used an umbrella three different times before losing it
[humane society]
Me: Hi, I’d like one medium sized dog please.
Vet: That’s not—
Me: Oops, I’m sorry. One “grande” dog please.
my boyfriend invited the neighbors over for dinner “sometime,” so now we have to move.
Excuse me while I go powder the inside of my nose.
DATING TIP: Hold the door for your date. Rip the door off its hinges. Use the door as a weapon to fight off other men. Establish dominance.
dating apps are crazy. How are your first two interests “Harry Potter” and “mindfulness”
Me: I just really want to kick this habit
Therapist: You want to kick nuns?
Me: No, it’s just an expression meaning I can’t escape my addiction
Theraprist: Oh, what are you addicted to?
Me: punching nuns
WIFE:
“At recess today, some kid named Billy told our daughter that he had butterflies in his stomach. Isn’t that adorable?”ME:
”That Miller kid? He’ll eat anything.”
waitress: what can i get you to drink?
me: house margarita.
waitress: [slowly] margarita good
Based on all of my exes I would have to say that Cupid has a wicked sense of humor.
I opened Match and Tinder on my Kindle Fire and it burst into old flames.
someone: *obvious flirt*
me, oblivious fool: aw they are so nice
also me, five years later, waking up in cold sweat at 3 am: WAIT A MINUTE
English is a strange language. Extraordinary should mean something that is exceptionally ordinary. Noisome should be a thing that is noisy. And of course a humanitarian should eat humans.