Kids are eating leftover cotton candy for breakfast, day 4 of summer break.
Let’s see what next week brings, other than Child Services.
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Curiosity is on #Mars. Sure went a long way after killing the cat.
Fun Fact: Every hour of daylight savings is kept in a subterranean vault in Colorado. Once every four years, they release them all, and that’s how we get a leap day.
I love birthdays! My boyfriend rented a special hotel room for us to fight in.
*Sees girl trying to reach soup on top shelf*
“Here let me get that” I say [Beacuse I’m much taller]
*I put the soup in my cart & walk away*
[using my one prison phone call in 2007] yes, one vote for Sanjaya please
me: I need tires
michelin: here you go
me: now if only someone could rate my restaurant
michelin: you’re not gonna believe this
The forecast isn’t calling for rain so I’m just going to wash my car to prove the weatherman wrong
Walking my dog we saw a guy in a suit walking his dog and I know my dog is thinking I don’t dress nice for him anymore.
The devil on my left shoulder says “bring frozen fish sticks to the office potluck”
And the worse devil on my right shoulder says “and then cook them in the staff lounge microwave”
I hate when the hot person in my peripheral vision turns out to be a mannequin.
police: DROP YOUR WEAPON
me: places my self-deprecating humor gently on the ground
Today’s tshirt
Me: *types* “Stupid auto correct loves making me look like an idiot.”
*Autocorrects to* “You’re doing a good job of that yourself.”
If I ever run out of food, I can survive for 3 or 4 days on the stuff stuck to the walls of my microwave.
Me: did you throw these rocks in my pool?
3yr old son: nope. Maybe they fell out of a rock tree.
Me: ok.
i’ve already had 2 cups of coffee and a can of coke this morning; i’m about to jump out of the plane and just run the rest of the way
Bisexuals are lucky. To the rest of us, life is a restaurant where you’re allergic to half the items on the menu.
It’s amazing how patiently people will wait in line behind you when you’re buying tampons.
Date: I like to take things slow
Me: *puts stolen turtle on table* Hey, so do I
My lucky number is 17 so I’m really hoping that 2017 is finally going to be my year. Otherwise, I’ll have to change my lucky number again.
Wait…was it my left or your left?
-me as a surgeon
Feel. He’s so soft.
[girl I’m talking to playfully touches my arm] Wait, do that again I wasn’t flexing.
Daughter: what’s nostalgia?
Wife: it’s when you miss something that’s really old.
[later]
Me: I’m home from work!
Wife: aw we missed you!
Daughter: [whispers] nostalgia.
There’s going to be a full moon this Christmas!
Because mixing family and alcohol together wasn’t enough…
The struggle is real! 🤣 #Cats #CatsofTwittter
My buddy’s wife put him on a strict diet, so now I earn money by selling him Reese’s through the back door.
I baked cookies in an EZ Bake oven when I was eleven and now they’re ready.
Archeologist 1: Remember the whole Mayan calendar scare in 2012?
A2: I do.
A1: I found an addendum on back of the calendar.
A2: I can’t read it. What does it say?
A1: It says, “sry, chisel-o. Apocalypse in 2021. My bad.”
Qualifications for local sewer clown are pretty simple: dress the part, fit in a storm drain and be willing to work for screams.