@MissHavisham

Kids are eating leftover cotton candy for breakfast, day 4 of summer break.
Let’s see what next week brings, other than Child Services.

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@bonehugsnirony

me: [being abducted by aliens] i’m not going without my cat
my cat: [from inside spaceship] get in, loser. all cats are aliens
me: i knew it

@LMHPhotog

Duckling means “little duck”.

As a result, I no longer eat dumplings.

@benicus_rex

actually these are my therapy bees i’m allowed to take them on the bus with me

@james_comics

[first date]

her: [checking phone] OMG my dad had a heart attack

me: [remembering girls like bad boys] good

@handsock_butts

date: so how are you?

me: I’m doing good! how are-

guy behind me: you mean you’re doing “well”

date: who the hell is that

me: I told you I had a corrections officer

@Sean_Burgundy_

Most women love it when you play with their hair in public

Their husbands not so much

@IamEnidColeslaw

I bet every time Beyoncé leaves a restaurant everyone fights over who gets to smell her chair

@trumpetcake

I used to weigh eight pounds and could only get around if others carried me, but all it took was one frosted cake a year to change all that.

@tiffpats4eva

Watching The Bible. Didn’t realize everyone spoke w/ a British accent back then. Neat.

@SICKOFWOLVES

MOVING IS AWESOME

I GET TO PACK UP ALL MY THINGS AND SLOWLY REALIZE THAT THE MATERIAL GOODS I SPENT YEARS WORKING TO AFFORD HAVE BECOME AN ANCHOR FROM WHICH I WILL NEVER BE FREE

OH AND I MUST FORWARD MY MAIL