Kids are eating leftover cotton candy for breakfast, day 4 of summer break.
Let’s see what next week brings, other than Child Services.
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[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He had the elbows of a seasoned kayaker. He had a racist hairline.
Me: why does the ARMy use FOOT soldiers for HAND to HAND combat lol
Pentagon: he’s getting too close
When you’re married, you’re part of a team, there’s checks and balances, two brains are better than one, you guys can bounce ideas off each other.
But being single means never having to explain what you spent $8,345.65 on or why there’s a baby kangaroo living in your house
“If decorative towels can be a thing then decorative grills can be a thing”
~Me buying a cool looking copper charcoal grill that I don’t really need.
I just bought an answering machine! What should I ask it???
*Person in front of me using 73 coupons*
Customers behind me: huffing and puffing
Me: [eyes glued to screen] That one was for $2! Yahhhhss
The downside of having moles on my body is that my wife loves playing Whack-a-Mole.
Stop wasting ur 20s complaining about how it’s hard to make friends and start screaming “oh my god I love your bag” from across the street
Get married so you can spend the rest of your life closing kitchen drawers and cabinets.
when I was a kid I was terrified of being born on feb 29 even though I had already been born
Once I get this cortisone cream on it’s gonna be all over for you itches.
FRIEND: it’s a strange time to be alive
ME: *looks at watch*
ah yes, 6:30
True embarrassment lies within your first email address
25% of parenting is resisting the urge to scream, “Get to the point!”
Men, please quit wishing for the perfect woman for Christmas. Three times this week Santa Claus tried to kidnap me.
[Spelling bee]
“Your word is DEFLECTION”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“Can YOU use it in a sentence?”
my son is also my best friend (huge mix up at the adoption agency)
Can’t, The Thundercats need me.
After I drink coffee I show my empty mug to the IT guy and tell him I’ve successfully installed Java. He hates me.
Whenever people announce “I’m marrying my best friend” for a second I always think “oh shit what about your boyfriend, he seemed so nice”.
“Hey, you guys dare me to eat this whole party sub by myself?”
I ask the dolls that line my bedroom shelves
Plumber: you have hard water.
Me: you mean like ice?
My almond-milk shake brings all the vegans to the yard, and they’re like …. “where’s your compost?”
When I pretend to know what I am talking about when I have to go car shopping.
Me: I love it when you call me señorita *kisses neck* I wish I could pretend I didn’t need ya.
Liquor Store Clerk: Please get your mouth off of the wine bottle until you’ve paid for it.
Optometrist: better or worse?
Me: oooo worse – I can see your face now
How do you restore your body back to ‘factory settings’?
Is it kale? it’s kale, isn’t it? please don’t say kale.
advice: describing someone’s cupcakes as being “better than sex” is only a compliment if you aren’t sleeping with them
That sinking feeling when you realize you forgot to lock your clubhouse when you were 8, and it’s probably all infested now with girls