me: [being abducted by aliens] i’m not going without my cat
my cat: [from inside spaceship] get in, loser. all cats are aliens
me: i knew it
Kids are eating leftover cotton candy for breakfast, day 4 of summer break.
Let’s see what next week brings, other than Child Services.
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Duckling means “little duck”.
As a result, I no longer eat dumplings.
actually these are my therapy bees i’m allowed to take them on the bus with me
her: [checking phone] OMG my dad had a heart attack
me: [remembering girls like bad boys] good
date: so how are you?
me: I’m doing good! how are-
guy behind me: you mean you’re doing “well”
date: who the hell is that
me: I told you I had a corrections officer
Most women love it when you play with their hair in public
Their husbands not so much
I bet every time Beyoncé leaves a restaurant everyone fights over who gets to smell her chair
I used to weigh eight pounds and could only get around if others carried me, but all it took was one frosted cake a year to change all that.
Watching The Bible. Didn’t realize everyone spoke w/ a British accent back then. Neat.
MOVING IS AWESOME
I GET TO PACK UP ALL MY THINGS AND SLOWLY REALIZE THAT THE MATERIAL GOODS I SPENT YEARS WORKING TO AFFORD HAVE BECOME AN ANCHOR FROM WHICH I WILL NEVER BE FREE
OH AND I MUST FORWARD MY MAIL