kids are fun because the only time they stop eating is when you put effort into making meals for them
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I will probably never be the tallest person in the room, but I will certainly be the highest
what if a snake fell asleep wrong and when he woke up his him was alseep
I think we can all agree: It feels weird to say “The King of England” about a living person.
If I’m so smart, explain to me why I can start the washing machine then five minutes later wonder where that running water sound is coming from.
5: How come we never do anything fun?
Me: We went to an amusement park..
5: Yeah but that was a really long time ago
Me: It was yesterday
Apparently it’s ‘inappropriate’ to show up at your therapist’s home to swim in her new pool even though your ‘boundary issues’ paid for it.
Crying and holding my daughter, “look baby, she looks like us.”
My boss used to call me “the computer”. Nothing to do with intelligence. I go to sleep if left unattended for 15 minutes.
Judge: You’re out of order!
Lawyer: This whole court room is out of order!
*I burst in*
Me: THE VENDING MACHINE IN THE LOBBY IS OUT OF ORDER
Movie makers: keep them under 2.5 hours. Bladders everywhere will thank you.
DO NOT show up to my place unannounced, I will literally stare at you from the window until nightfall, I don’t give a shit.
Interviewer: So tell me a little about yourself. Me: I’d rather not, I really need this job.
[1st Row at Beyoncé Concert]
Beyoncé: Who run da world?! *points mic at me*
ME: [having briefly heard the song once before] …squirrels?
This seat is reserved for pregnant people and fans of Cabaret
A second date is probably not likely if your date pulls out and clutches a crucifix when you enter the room.
I tried a non-alcoholic beer last night and I think I have discovered what my favorite ingredient in beer is.
When did science get a monopoly on donated corpses? What if I want to donate my body to literature? Theater? Philosophy?
[interview at winery]
What strengths do you bring to the job?
*long pause while Jesus glares at interviewer*
Are you being serious right now
Doc: The good news is this is a surprise birthday party!
Patient: But my birthday’s not till next month
Doc:Which brings me to the bad news
Maroon 5 is playing. The crowd goes mild
Me: Can I get a 12 inch sub?
Naval officer: They’re usually a lot bigger
The worst thing about having kids is that they grow up, but the best thing about having kids is that they grow up.
My daughters persistence is one of her greatest qualities and it will serve her well in the future, I just hope it doesn’t kill me first.
I asked my boss “What do u want me to do with this 6 metre roll of bubble wrap?”
He said “Just pop it in the Corner”.
4 hours it took me!
Why did Shrek go with Smashmouth’s All-Star and not Roxette’s “It Must’ve Been Love (But It’s Ogre Now)”
Me: *gazes into his eyes*
Him: *sweats*
M *winks*
H: I’m kinda uncomfortable
M: But this is love
H: It’s my job to fill liquor orders, ma’am
My walk of shame is to the laundry room to rerun the same load of clothes I keep forgetting to dry for the third time.
A letter to Paul from the Corinthians: Hey sup Paul. This is the Corinthians. This is my new number
[At the Grand Canyon]
Me:
I L o v e T h i s P l a c e
[ECHO]
[ECHO]
GC: Let’s just be friends