Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*15th century*

Shaggy: ‘Twas not I

Home alone tonight

The fridge is making weird noises

I think the beer wants out….

A national monument to those brave online heroes who were “First!” in comments.

Frankly, my stomach would constantly be hurting if I was ever on love island because what you mean our kiss meant nothing. What you mean I have to watch you get to know other people right in front of my salad. What. Do. You. Mean.

Watched my kid experience his first deep eye rub, like yeah, kid, get it. Do it til you see shapes.

Pre-diction: Baby’s first words will be garbled.

I mostly keep friendships going because they have my good Tupperware

Going to start a dating site for bald people that’s completely free.

You don’t have toupee.

The Constitution has barely been altered in 200 years, but my $300 textbook is worth $0.82 bc they came out with a new edition mid-semester.

Walk slow and never assume the automatic door will open.

What do you want to be when you grow up?

other kids: firefighter, doctor, scientist…

my 9yo: I’m gonna sell my Pokémon cards on the streets of New York.

when your wife asks about the texts from Marie

me: how much for the funny smelling spray?

employee: perfume?

me: no, the whole bottle

“Why don’t traffic cops wear pullovers?” and other questions that I ponder at 3:30 a.m.

Sketch artist: Two criminals? You just described a vase to me
Me: Look at the negative space either side of it
Sketch artist: Holy shit…

*limbos away from your hug*

My ultimate dream is to move back home, open up a bar and run it with all of my friends, and then burn it down for the insurance money

This fishing rod sucks. I have yet catch a single oyster.

They say someone in the US is bitten by a shark 19 times a year.

Poor guy.

I will judge you by how much dust is on your ceiling fan

We complain when it’s hot. We complain when it’s cold. We are such cunts. That’s why ET went home and never came back to visit.

“Mr. Trump how will you beat Hillary Clinton?”

TRUMP: I’ll win NY, Florida, Ohio, we’re going to add states, Gerzona, Timbaland, Waterworld

It’s National Canoe Day in Canada and I can’t think of a single pun. Canoe?

A dating site that connects Tupperware containers with lost lids.

Having a dramatic falling out with somebody is so embarrassing .. people will be like “what happened” and now you have to sound like a 7-year-old

Well, that didn’t work.

[explaining why we got fat]

Friend: I had a baby

Me: I had a donut

I was holding a yard sale. Someone held up a cookbook and asked “Is this vegan?”

I said they don’t make book binding glue from horses anymore, so she can eat any of the books on the table.

I lost the sale, but the confused look on her face was worth way more than 75 cents.

People often talk about having the devil on one shoulder and an angel on the other. For me it’s more like Spock and Homer Simpson.

9yo son: The difference between moms and dads is that when you say “I’m hungry,” moms say “go eat something” and dads say “hi, Hungry, I’m dad.”