Kids are fun because they’ll barge in the bathroom when you say “don’t come in, I’m naked” and then get mad at you because you’re naked.
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what do we want?
SELF CONFIDENCE.
when do we want it?
WHENEVER YOU HAVE TIME IF THAT’S OK?
firemen keep harvesting my cat tree
I wrote a haiku about mansplaining for the Thursday contest and my husband offered to “look at it and make sure it fit the 5-7-5 format.”
me: *proudly showing off photos on my phone* this was just last week, they’re getting so big these days
old acquaintance: these are all pictures of cheeseburgers
me: yeah, so?
old acquaintance: i asked if you ever had kids
My insomnia has it’s own toothbrush in my bathroom.
People who write “loosing” when they mean “losing” need to get loost.
My wife put the screws leftover from the dishwasher repair in a frame and hung it on the wall.
It’s not funny.
My 5yo has come up with bedtime topics such as how elephants give birth, how the sun produces heat, and natural disasters.
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOoooooooooooooooooooooooo!!!
My cat was bitten by a squirrel and I have to suck the rabies out before she slips into a double cheese burger.
–how I cancel dates
Dear Captchas,
I swear I’m not a robot, just really *really* stupid
Our new neighbours came over with an email and phone number because they’re leaving their teenage son home alone for a few days.
I told them not to worry.
I’ve seen The Graduate and he’s in good hands.
Sealed it with my super genuine slow wink.Anyways, making friends is hard.
Mugger: Give me your money
Me: Get ready to see some karate!
Mugger: Oh yeah?
Me: I have tournament tickets in my man bag
“What are you typing? Let me guess. Oh wait, stop right there, I know what it is. It’s not that? Okay wait.. I know it, I know it!” -Google.
I love how my husband cuts all the bearded dragon’s food up into itty bitty pieces, like that’s how he finds it in the wild.
HER: I’m leaving you
ME: Is it because I’m too literal?
HER: no it’s just we’re not working out
ME: *buys both of us a gym membership*
INTERVIEWER: What did you like most about your last job?
ME: *leans in way too close* Leaving it.
Him: You smell nice. What is that?
Me: [twirling my hair] Cough drops
I dropped and broke my phone today. Hurt more than childbirth!
Had a dream I was in Japan with Draco Malfoy and he asked if I wanted a cookie and I said no and he was all, “my father will hear about this”
ME: Your lizard keeps biting me.
THEM: That’s a cactus
BREAKING: Hillary Clinton concedes election to Donald Trump, saying “I just can’t see how I can win after Scott Baio endorsed Trump.”
My reactions
1st child’s problems: I WILL fix this!!
2nd child’s problems: Let me know if you need help.
3rd child’s problems: Good luck.
I’m swilling port like a British butler who had a rough afternoon at the races.
babe are you okay??? you’ve barely touched your chromatica limited edition curry
[about to go in for emergency surgery]
ME: *slips surgeon a $20* what if you were to give me wings like a giant bird?
Amidst all the commercialism, please remember the true meaning of Christmas: whacking your siblings on the head with cardboard wrapping paper tubes
“stand up for yourself” girl i have low iron
[date]
Me: you wanna see what desserts they have?
Wife: how about we go home & I’ll let you-
Me [calls waiter]: what desserts do u have?
All I’m saying is, there are too many songs about love and not enough songs about evenly layered nachos.