Kids are fun because they’ll barge in the bathroom when you say “don’t come in, I’m naked” and then get mad at you because you’re naked.
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My neighbor is louder than a spinning dryer drum full of loose change on a groaning container ship being ripped apart by rogue waves.
Like PAC-MAN before me, I too feel pursued by the ghosts of my past, consume mindlessly without end, and enjoy fruit.
Never sell a golf club on Facebook to someone from East Kilbride!
Breaking news:
awkardly looking around the applebees bar & grill for my tidner date whose profile picture is waluigi
interviewer: any questions?
me: yes, what are your strengths?
The instructions for this tent is just a picture of a husband yelling at his wife, that’s weird.
how do you get over the heartache of an ex whose cat ur never gonna see again?
Italians keep plastic on their couches because it’s easier to clean up the murder scene
my allegiance to alligators is based on a gut feeling. you see, the crocodile deliberately looks like he wants me dead, and as soon as possible. the alligator appears to give less of a shit, generally. so i’m like, sure, that’s something we can deal with. that’s a starting point
4: mama, I lost my pet rock. I need it. you HAVE to find it!
me: well, where did you have it last?
4: outside
The kids left w/my parents for a week. I plan to run around the house for an hour yelling “woo hoo”, but after that my schedule is wide open
What are a comedian’s pronouns?
He/he/he
Tried a sample of rosemary mint body wash today and now I smell like a very clean roast chicken.
I’ll take a Friday the 13th over a Monday the 13th every single time.
WISE MAN: Inside you there are two wolves.
TWO WOLVES IN A TRENCH COAT: *sweating*
You know the hurricane is serious when even SpongeBob and Gary are evacuating
(Showing off new car)
Father-in-law: Looks good, what engine has it got?
Me: *ultra confident* a grey & black one
“It doesn’t matter what you look like on the outside”
ME: Oh thank god
“It’s who you are on the inside”
ME: Dang
If I were a doctor I would become assassinated by the insurance industry after publicly evincing the curative properties of a hot dog and a soda
In 1000 years, archaeologists will find tanning beds and think we fried people as punishments.
Thursday
I like the sound of thunder because there’s always a tiny little chance that my ex will be struck by lightning
Drier than a bar of soap after a 7yo has “washed his hands.”
Why are ghosts always just moaning? Did your manners die too? Use your words!
No offense but why do birds even have feet? Seems greedy.
13YO: gonna fire up the grill tonight fam? let’s goooo!
ME: *listening to the hail while lightning strikes the tree in the backyard*
13YO: wut?
applying for a new job
WebMD is a Choose Your Own Adventure book where every single story ends in malignant cancer
I’m single and proud of it!
* Flips hair
* Trips over cat