Kids are fun because they’ll barge in the bathroom when you say “don’t come in, I’m naked” and then get mad at you because you’re naked.
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made the mistake of believing my kid when he said he didn’t want me to buy him cheesy bread
Mom, remember we used to eat donuts?
-my 3 yo, 1 hour after eating a donut
The final exam for police service dogs to remain calm in front of a cat, Germany, 1987.
I went to clean my kids bathroom and I’m 99% sure they shoot their toothpaste out of a cannon
So disappointed. Haven’t sold a single one of my “We Welcome Solicitors” signs on Etsy.
Apparently they don’t want you sipping your beverage from a brown paper bag at work.
Asking me if I want a bag for the box of tampons I just bought is like asking me if they’re for here or to go.
A good man is hard to find, but a babysitter for Friday night is harder.
me: [answers phone in meeting] “this better be important”
wife: “i think we’re having a baby”
me: [sighs] “you told me that 9 months ago”
me: how do i tell my wife i want a divorce?
wife: not like this
landlord is raising our rent 9.5% I think I’ll start burying all of my garbage in the backyard
A girl at work has the same shirt on as me, but I have a coffee stain down the front of mine, so it’s not awkward.
My niece told me there was a cute guy checking me out at the coffee shop. So naturally I kept my head down when I passed him and banged my elbow on the way out
I should have just told her she smells nice and left out the like Grandma’s pierogis part.
WIFE: I’ve child-proofed the house
*our child walks in*
ME: Yeah, great job, Linda
WIFE: honey?
ME: yes dear
WIFE: did something hit the car
ME: yes deer
WIFE: do you know what it was
ME: yes deer
WIFE: was it an animal
ME: yes deer
WIFE: was it a rabbit
ME: no deer
*caterpillar looks up at sky*
“My dream is to fly a plane one day.”
Other Caterpillar: You don’t pay any attention in science class, do you?
You think you’re having a hard day? I’ve had to listen to someone chew AND lick their fingers clean
Looking back at all the successes & failures in my life, I can’t help but be proud that at least the potty training thing stuck.
“It’s not about the money.”
-people with money
Banderslack Clamberdorch
USERS: you’re alienating the people who actually use your product
TWITTER: likes are now florps
USERS: what
TWITTER: timeline goes sideways
An 80’s style montage of me and a dog learning to use chopsticks, and the dog progressing marginally faster
If its a ghost ship why does it have to be on water
WHAT DO WE WANT AMERICA?
ROCK HARD ABS!!!
WHEN DO WE WANT THEM?
RIGHT AFTER WE FINISH THIS BOX OF DOUGHNUTS!!!
Want to send a 4-year-old boy into a blind rage? Repeatedly tell him he’s wrong and you are positive their names are “Batman and Robert”.
A boy made a bet with my daughter that whoever gets a lower score on their final exam has to buy the other one ice cream, and I have to give the kid credit because it looks like this “bet” may really be a “date.”
me: [on the phone] mom can you come pick me up
boss: hey we’re in a meeting
me: [avoiding eye contact] because they’re being mean to me
Hiring a mortician to do my makeup while I sleep
Me: My son totaled another car.
Progressive: I see that you insure 3 teen sons?
M: yes
P: *covers phone* HEY GUYS, WE’RE GOING TO ARUBA!