Kids are fun cause they tell you sweet things like mom you should bedazzle that pimple.
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My lack of pants is nobody’s business.
5YO *8:00 am*: When do we get our phones back?
Me: After lunch time
5YO *8:10 am*: I’m hungry, can I have some lunch now
Not to brag but I also decided not to run today.
Enjoying a few cups of coffee at my enormous kitchen island while being scrutinized by my two friends, one of whom has a torso that is physically inside the island
Anything can be for breakfast if you put the word breakfast in front of it. Breakfast Pizza, Breakfast Burger, Breakfast Burrito, Breakfast Martini.
If you arrive home, it’s not a holiday, and your driveway is full of family member’s cars, keep going…….It’s an intervention
I spelled my name wrong in an email about a job opening. My name. Wrong. But definitely very detail oriented and works well independently.
News guy: The average person will consume around 4500 calories during the holidays.
Me: Pffft… amateurs.
Everyone says this ChatGPT is as smart as a person, but I won’t be inpressed until I know which person.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
No, he could speak more languages than that. He had racist shoulders. His front teeth were impatient.
So my husband told me that his coworker gave him homemade bath bombs over the holidays & that he tried one & it didn’t dissolve v well but he’d never used one before & thought it was normal. He left the other one for me & I just tried it. It. Is. A. COOKIE.
actually, i like watching MMA for the outfits
Growing old is a gift.
Wetting yourself when you sneeze, not so much. 🤧🙄
If you tell my dog he’s getting a treat and forget, he will stalk you until you remember. We came in an hour ago and I just figured out why he’s been following me around and staring at me like I’m made of bacon.
If you would like to get an idea of what an exorcism is like, try putting clothes on a toddler.
hitman: who am I killing?
dog: ever hear of a guy named pavlov?
hitman: rings a bell
dog: that’s right
they gotta bring back House and make it about House again and it’s still House and he is the exact same character except he works at Home Depot in this one
Magic words that make my children disappear:
3) Bath time
2) Who did this?!
1) When I was your age…
on a date with a guy who got evicted for chewing through all the wires in his house
Like seashell soaps, my Ferrero Rocher are decorative.
If you try to rob my house, you should know that the item in the house I paid the most for are my son’s braces.
ME: *reads war and peace*
SCHRÖDINGER: *nods approvingly*
A banana just sold at an art auction for $6.2 million, so if our custodian still hasn’t thrown out that orange someone left in one of our study rooms last week, we may never have to do a capital campaign again.
[Kitchen]
Me: I’m a were-state. When the moon is full I turn into a US state.
Wife: No you don’t the moon is full now.
Me: *Illinois noises*
I just got a paper cut from a 108 yr old book so I’m sitting here waiting to turn into a vampire
Hangman is a lovely childhood game where you slowly draw a man killing himself if another kid can’t read your mind.
accidentally emailed my kid’s kindergarten enrollment form to UC Berkeley admissions instead of Berkeley Unified School District. we’ll see what happens. maybe he’ll get in
The cat seems really pissed off. He must have only had 22 hours sleep.
Cop: GET DOWN ON THE GROUND
Me: I didn’t do…
Cop:*cuffing me* Dispatch, we have a creepy clown in custody
Me: These are my regular clothes
10yo: You know that’s not what they mean by exercise, right?
Me: Pfft. [continues shaking Fitbit up and down]