Kids are fun cause they tell you sweet things like mom you should bedazzle that pimple.
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[medusa’s husband sighing and pulling a wad of snakes out of the shower drain]
I was going to sign this permission slip to let my daughter watch The Grinch at school but I haven’t heard back from North Korea yet.
Just once I’d like to be the DJ at an extravagant, subversive Goth masquerade ball and just throw on “Kokomo” by The Beach Boys when they least suspect it
Give yourself something to look forward to tomorrow: Text a friend, “I think you owe me an apology,” then turn off your phone and go to bed
Each and every pizza can be a personal pizza if you just believe in yourself and don’t have any friends.
Moana is my favourite movie about The Rock continually trying to drown a little girl.
Parenting Tip: Wear clothing with pockets so you can flip off your children inconspicuously.
Person who is about to invent the coffee mug: Ouch! This coffee cup is too hot to pick up!
Boss: I don’t have time for this. Handle it.
I’m texting this to random phone numbers with no message
you ever take a long hard look at yourself and think, “wow, i should really clean this mirror.”
Airlines need to freakin’ make up their mind abt the temp of the plane once n for all.
1st flight was so freakin’ cold, I could see my soda freeze as I was drinking it n now the 2nd one is throwing so much hot air like I wanna lie naked rn!!!
#travelling
#AmericanAirlines
Kid in park *crying* I don’t know where my mom’s gone to
Me: Oh no, that’s terrible!
Wife: Talk to him
Me: Hey kid *kneels* don’t end a sentence with a preposition
GOOD COP: Three robberies in the same neighborhood …do you know what I’m thinking?
PSYCHIC COP: Yes
GOOD COP: Oh right
I bought iliteracy for dummies but I couldn’t make any sense of it
I love April Fools’ Day. It’s the only day of the year when people are skeptical of things they read on the internet.
Ohhhhmygod my bra is showing? Should we tell everyone? Should we throw a dress code disciplinary meeting? Should we invite my middle school vice principal
*After roommate performs a summoning spell*
Me:
Roommate:
Me:
Roommate:
Me:
Roommate:
Me: So does he just live here now?
Satan: *wearing my bathrobe* You’re out of bagel bites
when people make fun of me for reading fiction, I don’t get mad. I simply invite them down into my cellar for a glass of fine vintage. they have never read Poe; they have no idea what’s coming.
dating me is like dating a golden retriever cuz u will be picking blonde hair off u all day and i get way too excited about everything
I told my 5yo we weren’t going to read an extra story at bedtime so in protest he took his pillow and a blanket and went to sleep in my laundry basket filled with clothes. I wish I was making this up.
Merlot; what Princess Ariel drinks when she’s depressed.
#lunchpun
Well, I’ve put it off long enough. I guess I should check on those wraith-like noises coming from the attic. I’ll be right back.
Daylight saving? I’m ready for daylight spending
Never forget.
*malia passes me a joint* thanks obama
If stores want to accurately display clothes for people over 40 the mannequins should be laying on a couch after 5PM.
I ate a doughnut today with no sprinkles. Diet goals accomplished
$20k in my bank account (the k is silent)