Kids are fun cause they tell you sweet things like mom you should bedazzle that pimple.
You Might Also Like
My husband’s parenting style is to menacingly say “Yeah!” after everything I say when I reprimand the kids.
After seventeen years, today is the day I finally tell my wife she’s been folding our bathroom towels wrong.
My toxic trait is skipping the cart at the grocery store thinking I only need a couple things and then getting to the checkout with 57 things precariously balanced on various parts of my body.
went to church and prayed for Jesus to turn water into gas so now we wait …
Why don’t we just number the days of the week, like:
Onesday
Twosday
Threesday
Foursday
Fivesday
Sixday
Sevensday
You had ONE job!
– insensitive greetings card for the recently laid-off.
Mummies are just super modest zombies
If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.
all of the other names pharrell tried to become known by are so bad it’s almost impressive
ME: Sorry boss, I can’t make it in today. Because of Ebola.
BOSS: You have Ebola?
ME: No but someone does and I am FREAKING THE HELL OUT
Remember the old ‘yawn and stretch’ move in the cinema with your crush?
you can achieve anything if you just put your mind to it. for example, i just saw a dead fish on the freeway
{Goldfish Funeral}
GOLDFISH 1: We’ll never forget him
GOLDFISH2: Forget who?
G1: What are you talking abo-OH MY GOD WHAT HAPPENED TO TEDDY?!
[at bank]
Samuel L Jackson turning in swear jar: I need a bank check to buy Rhode Island
Wife: can u unstack the dishwasher?
Me opening dishwasher, taking out large knife & cutting my hand off: I can’t, there’s been an accident.
Interviewer: Where do you want to be in 5 years?
Me: Oh, it doesn’t matter. You will have fired me well before then.
If you didn’t want a bunch of dads to meander into your backyard, then you shouldn’t have revved up that chainsaw, Dale
i get in my bubble bath with clenched fists to make me look more manly
-Someone keeps phoning up pretending to be my grandmother. It’s a prank, I don’t know what else to call it.
-Shenanigan?
-Don’t you start.
I love sipping margaritas by the pool. Or, as my neighbor with a pool calls it, “Trespassing.”
The c in scent is quiet today. Too quiet.
Nerds were always ugly or goofy looking. Then from nowhere emerged the hot girl nerd and the limitations of Nerdom crumpled before our eyes.
HER: so like, what are you into?
ME: coincidences
HER: no way, me too!
Hahaha this stupid baby on the bus thinks they can cry louder than me
My favorite part about family dinner is when my brother says how he made 600K last year and I get to say someone made a clock of my Avi.
I really hope my house is haunted because I don’t want to pay to fix those noises.
I thought it was impossible to do 450 push ups in a minute until I discovered lying
I live in constant fear that someone will abduct my mother in law at 35 Ash Street, London, Flat 2, door is sticky buzz Carol to let you in.
When I play rock paper scissors I always pick Rock because Dwayne Johnson shows up and punches my opponent.