Kids are fun cause they tell you sweet things like mom you should bedazzle that pimple.
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Flight attendant: Can I get you something to drink?
Me: What kind of gravy do you have?
I think Argentina is quite capable of deciding who it wants to cry for. Stop being so bossy Eva.
Strive for greatness. Do 15 pushups instead of 10. Run 3 miles instead of 2. Burn your ex’s house down. Eat the whole cake instead of a slice. I believe in you.
For once I would like to get through an entire work day without my boss waking me up.
Me: We’ve been in lockdown for two months now and we’ve simply run out of conversation.
Satan: And that’s why you summoned me?
My wife: Yeh.
Satan:
Me:
My wife: So… how are you?
I hope my husband never gets Alzheimer’s but if he does, I imagine my favorite part will be saying “I gave you one yesterday.”
I can’t make it tonight. There’s a couple fighting at Target and the guy just started sarcastically clapping. I need to see where this goes.
bella waking up at the end of breaking dawn part 1
Me carrying the weight of being the funniest person in my whole family
For those who don’t know the difference, GRAPHIC NOVELS are COMPLETE stories, where as COMICS are people I try not to date any more.
Cave rescue is going to make an incredible movie, can’t wait to see Scarlett Johansson inspire in her role as 12 Thai boys.
Not gonna elaborate, but I just found out the hard way that the phrase isn’t “self defecating humour”
Mrs Kelly: what should we name him?
Mr Kelly: (eyes wide af) MACHINE GUN
[a guy walking his dog grabs my purse and they run off]
Me: Hey, that’s not nice! You get back here this instant and let me pet that dog!
ME: [plucking chicken] Who lets their eyebrows get this bad?
Weddings are dumb. Except yours. Yours was a great way to spend money.
HER: knock it off!
CAT: lol ok
When my wife packs for a trip she basically moves out.
I’m wearing the tie I got married in more than 20 years ago and I don’t want to brag but… it still fits.
Today’s Generation: “Omg my parents never let me have anything.” via iPhone.
Her: Have you sold anything since you became a writer?
Me *stares around my empty house* everything
Did you hear about the cheese factory that exploded? There was nothing left but de brie
[kid loses screens for not doing chores]
husband: it’s partly my fault he didn’t do them
me: then you can lose screens too
“Dad, I’m I want you to move back home rent free”
hi I want you to move back home rent free. I’m dad
“Ok thanks dad”
well shit
It’s pretty awesome that everyone at Chuck E Cheese knows me by name, even if it is because they banned me from coming back
Me: The new guy’s a lumberjack?
Boss: Yep
Me: He seems nice…
Boss: STOP
Me: I’ll bet he’s good at…
Boss: DONT
Me: random axe of kindness
:office birthday party:
CW: Would you like to sign the card?
Me: Nah, just here for the cake. Karen will understand.
CW: His name is Joe.
*runs thru a couple holding hands like it’s the finish line of a marathon.
astronaut: houston come in
houston: this had better be important
astronaut: it’s urgent
houston: fine what
astronaut: [drinking soda out of the air] rootbeer float