Kids are fun cause they tell you sweet things like mom you should bedazzle that pimple.
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Kid: We never have anything good to eat!
Me: Go shake your car seat out.
One of the great things about being a dad is how easy it is to launder my own desire for ice cream through my children
New children’s book I’m working on: “Nobody poops but you, you disgusting little freak”.
Him: I missed a flight once and that plane crashed
Me: *nodding* Yeah, I bought cashews once and didn’t notice they were unsalted until just before I paid
8 hrs sleep: So refreshed
6 hrs: Feeling fine
4 hrs: I will rip your head off for a minor transgression
2 hrs: Why is my boss a Minotaur
Contemplating the merits of the Oxford comma as I head down to Florida to see my parents, Donald Trump and Marco Rubio
If you glue a dead wasp to your palm, you can smack your boss on the back of the head as hard as you want and act like you saved him.
Me: I think I’m just scared of change.
Therapist: *flips a quarter*
Me: *screams*
Cop: Did you murder all your friends and make a smoothie out of their dead bodies?
Strawberry Shortcake: I’ve been berry naughty!
‘see you in hell’ so it’s a date?
People belittle the internet “talking about a dress” as if we’re busy solving problems otherwise.
told someone “my scrubs are made from cotton but i’m made of boyfriend material” then they blocked me immediately
Why is Iron Man’s arch nemesis not Wrinkle Man?
You know you’re tired when you kneel on the ground pick something up and then have to decide if it’s easier to get up or just live there now
Heckling someone at their third wedding automatically removes you from their fourth wedding invitee list
The more you know
weddings should have a worst man
ME: *Buying unnecessary & expensive gadget*
CASHIER: How will you be paying for this?
ME: Probably with an argument and no sex for a month
Best sidewalk sandwich board ad I’ve ever seen.
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*ninja group therapy
Therapist: Nobody showed up *again*?!
Don’t EVER let anyone tell you you’re not worth anything. You can get at least ten grand for one of your kidneys.
a public service announcement
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Me: It’s late, and I’m so tired.
My brain: Let’s find a word that rhymes with tequila.
Everybody at the party got upset when Baby Jesus turned the wine into breast milk.
Me: Who made this mess?
8-year-old: Not me.
6-year-old: Not me.
4-year-old: Not me.
3-year-old: A horse. I saw it.
I have a suspect.
the worst part about lockdown is thinking of all those Pokémon outside just waiting to be found
to get my cat to eat, I tell him about all the hungry cats in Catfrica
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i’m extremely flexible
professor x: [looks at watch] oh shit i have another meeting, can we reschedule?
me: no problem
After a long day at work I sat on the sofa in front of the TV.
Sensing I was stressed, my 7 year old sat next to me, smiled, and held my hand.
It’s nice and everything but it was my phone-holding hand.
Things toddlers have in common with raccoons:
– make messes they have no intention of cleaning up
– won’t share
– don’t like baths
– bitey