Kids are fun. For example my daughter overflowed the toilet once and now she has a toilet flushing phobia.
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Wife: The kids made you these cakes for Father’s Day! What do you think of them?
Me: They’re awful. But at least they made me these cakes
I only shave half my face in case that I get arrested so that they will have two different side profile pictures.
Date: do you wanna come up for coffee?
Me: no thanks. I hate stairs
Date: coffee means sex
Me: how many stairs?
I have literally never asked anyone where was the library in Spanish. What other lies did I learn in school?
Whey they go low, I go high*
*can’t bend over due to age
If I could time travel to assassinate a historical figure I’d probably choose Archduke Franz Ferdinand
Me: I’ll definitely do it tomorrow.
Morgan Freeman: He wouldn’t.
Me: *chasing Morgan out of my house with broom* Why are you here again?
When you gaze into the abyss, the abyss also gazes into you, wraps a towel around itself and screams oh wait that’s my neighbor haha Hi Pam!
on a date with a guy who got evicted for chewing through all the wires in his house
Me:[holding toy] And WHY don’t we make them fight??
Kid:[sighing] Because the last stegosaurus died 83 million years before T-Rex evolved
This is going to be a meme FOREVER:
Seven years ago THIS was all we had to worry about.
[Commercial for the Pogo Stick]
Have you ever seen the inside of an E.R.? Want to?
*has no girlfriend or kids*
*gives out dating and parenting advice*
“Why won’t you loan a neighbor a cup of sugar?”
[ sigh ] “You’re a pile of ants wearing a bathrobe.”
[ bathrobe sags dejectedly ]
Her: “Wanna get some coffee?”
Me: “I actually don’t like coffee”
Her: *Gasp*
The whole town: *Gasp*
All of New York: *Gasp*
The media: “This just in *Gasp*”
The world: *Gasp*
Aliens: *Fleeb* (Gasp)
If there’s one thing children have taught me it’s how to count down from 5 while pretending there’s a huge consequence if I ever reach zero.
Stop letting your dogs piss on fire hydrants. Some of us use those for parkour.
Do your friends know that you’re asking people on Twitter about their issues?
-Asking for a friend.
14: (setting his alarm for 5am)
11: Why so early?
14: Because Mom is going to take a million first day of school pictures. And it’s going to take forever.
Me: That is correct.
My cat flicked a spider in my face just now. Soon as I finish screaming it’s time for me to go to bed
It creeps me out when my dog watches my wife and I have sex. We hide the videotapes, but he always finds them.
Rocket Man vs. Rockhead Man. An epic battle of two Superzeros.
DID YOU KNOW: Petting dogs is a video game, and if u pet a dog perfectly enough, u will unlock the ability to go to a dog’s Birthday Party
Dogs are man’s best friend because a dog would never blindside you with an eleven person group text.
Don’t talk to me about pain, I once had to teach my boomer mother that she can rewind her tv program and kept repeating “NO it WON’T effect anyone else who is watching it, mum”
I don’t want to intimidate you, but I learned all my fighting skills from Hong Kong Phooey.
Projecting a movie onto my bedroom ceiling turns insomnia into incinema. No YOU shut up!
i’m a single issue voter. i’m single and it’s an issue