Kids are fun. For example my daughter overflowed the toilet once and now she has a toilet flushing phobia.
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Before arbys gets sucked into the sun with the rest of the earth and everything you’ve ever known or loved, please come eat some of our crap
Person: Would you like to eat 6 string cheeses in a row?
Me: Naw.
Person: We deep fried em and there will be tomato sauce.
Me: Oh, ok, yes.
According to the 2nd law of thermodynamics, when parents relax, children must increase the amount of disorder in the universe to compensate.
*backing my car up in the mcdonald’s drivethrough so i can say one more thing to the clerk* and by the way i’m not stupid. i’m smart
—What are we?
—Women!
—What do we want?
— We don’t know!
—When do we want it?
— Now!
As it turns out, ‘harder’ is a terrible safe word
*puts almost empty milk carton back in fridge*
[wife texts me from France]
“Really?”
5: dad is sixty eighty?
me: wtf
5: is today tomorrow?
me: the hell?
5: Saturday Sunday Monday?
me: hey honey, 5 is broken.
[unzips fannypack filled with jellybeans and some fall out]
Dammit
[bends over to pick them up and the rest spill out]
DAMMIT
My password is “weak?” Well your password recovery security question is soft as shit. The city I was born in? Ask me why my mom left my dad.
Me: Doctor, I’m not ready to be a father yet.
Doctor: Your daughter is 10.
on paper i am not against my neighbour playing piano all the time but it would be very nice if they played anything other than the pirates of the caribbean theme
My doctor told me to get my affairs in order. So line up guys, let’s get you numbered.
[office]
Me: Happy Black Friday!
Latisha: …
Me: I made a cake!
Latisha: …
Me: …
Latisha: …
Me: …
Latisha: …
Me: It’s chocolate.
blood is thicker than water, which is my secret to winning the annual county fair gravy contest every year
Somewhere in my brain is a tiny gland that blinds me to unwashed dishes.
why is everyone concerned about dying alone i don’t even want people to see me eating spaghetti
You left a note on the fridge saying “This isn’t working. Goodbye” but I opened it and it was working perfectly well. I don’t get it.
My son just turned an everything bagel into an everywhere bagel.
my kid had her whole class make birthday cards for her dog who celebrated his birthday yesterday.
we don’t have a dog.
My kid asked what fornicate meant and I panicked and said it meant to hold political office
*FINALLY gets truck washed*
*immediately judges people’s dirty vehicles*
I’ve heard that there are people that can keep every room of their house clean at the same time
At my house the rooms have to take turns being clean, kind of like the kids
Recipe: simmer gently for 3-4 minutes
Me: boils violently for 16-98 minutes depending on when I remember I left something cooking in a pan
Proud to be the guy that got my local park to introduce a “Don’t barbecue the ducks” rule.
Because of Gwen Stefani I can spell bananas so I wish she’d write a song where she spells restaurant.
therapists should give you a discount if you make them laugh in session
You may think a squirt of water in the face is the best way to reprimand cats but turns out it works pretty well on people too.
“Pete’s coming for dinner tonight.”
“Pete from work or Pete who thinks he can walk through doors?”
[Massive thud]
“I’ll just check.”
I don’t want to say I’m naïve, but two women asked me to come to their hotel and make a sandwich, and I showed up with a griddle, bread, and 3 kinds of cheese