Kids are fun if you enjoy saying things like, “read the room,” only to have someone start reading literally everything there is to read in said room, out loud.
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whenever i feel like i hate my job i remind myself that i could be a food taster for the emperor.
I see Atheists are fighting and killing each other again, over who doesn’t believe in any God the most. Oh, no..wait.. that never happens.
Welcome to our chain hotel, breakfast is served from three in the morning until two minutes after you first start feeling hungry
A guy in the store on his cell said “Susan, I’m in my car on my way” so I yelled “NO HE’S NOT!” Because nobody lies to Susan in front of me.
ME: *drinks protein shake* Am I gonna be ripped now?
BF: No, that’s not how it—
ME: *trapped under recliner I just tried to lift* Help
Angel: What up?
God: Creating 3 y/o’s
Angel: Is it broken?It keeps repeating itself & has no volume control
God: ya it’s gunna be hilarious
[Fancy restaurant]
DATE: *seductively* I like a man who knows what he wants
ME: *way too loudly* THERE’S NOT ENOUGH KETCHUP ON MY TATER TOTS
Whenever I’m about to give a speech in front of an audience, I imagine myself naked.
Wait, what
Co-workers. Because why should all your headaches come from family members.
To whoever started playing Jumanji in 2016, please finish your game. This is getting out of hand.
If you love someone, let them go.
If they don’t come back, get a dog.
I’m watching a documentary about show chickens and I think I found my people.
Going for a walk because I want to stay healthy. Taking along a box of M&M’s because let’s be honest here.
Him: [running out of burning house carrying two house plants and three Led Zeppelin CDs] I DIDN’T KNOW WHICH PLANTS YOU WANTED
If I were in a mob movie, my role would be “the fishes”, so everyone would end up sleeping with me.
Oh no Baby Hitler is trending did he die or something
Traveler’s camo
I thought I was getting myself a new couch but apparently I was getting my dog a new bed
You’re an open book?
“Throws you into a bonfire.”
Someone was bragging on Facebook last night about managing to get into a store *after* official closing time to finish some Christmas shopping, and called it a “Christmas miracle,” and idk what the exact criteria is for getting visited by three ghosts on Christmas Eve but
Her: my horoscope for today was awful. I wonder which planet is making me miserable?
Me: Earth 😐
I have complicated opinions on the death penalty. I think it’s wrong but I also think that owners of cash-only establishments should get it.
Me: *practicing selfie poses in the gym mirror*
Trainer: Ma’am, are you having a stroke?
[toddler saves Michael Cera from drowning]
The average human now spends 1.5 years of their life waiting for dumb post-credits scenes.
Me: How are you doing? Is our date starting to feel a bit awkward?
Her: Yeah, a little…
Me: I was talking to my mom!
Mom: No, I’m fine.
My boyfriend died after falling into a giant vat of coffee at work
He didn’t suffer, it was instant