Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me

[me all weekend]
AAAHH CANT SLEEP TOO EXCITED ABOUT INDICTMENT

[Mueller on Monday]
We’re charging Manafort with running a stop sign in 1994

I started studying Tai Chi, so I wouldn’t recommend getting in a slow-motion fight with me…

i don’t understand all these newfangled apps. like “phone”

How many mystery writers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Two: One to screw it almost all the way in and the other to give it a surprising twist at the end

5: a hedgehog is just a mouse with rock ‘n roll hair

Last day of lockdown: I’m going to miss sitting around doing nothing

First day back in work: *sitting around doing nothing

GOOD COP: cover me!

DAD COP: *tucks him in* snug as a bug

Called myself to see if I’d answer, sent me to voicemail. Twice.

Age is just a number in the same way that a killer whale is just a fish.

Okay kids don’t ever talk to strangers or take candy from strangers or go to stranger’s houses except on the day we worship the devil.

Take on cheese
(Take on cheese)
Take brie on
(Take on cheese)
Camembert
And fromage

How Vaccines Work 🧫🧬🦠💉 (everyone needs to watch this)

I can easily make lemonade, but I have no idea what to do when life gives me a fitted sheet.

6:00pm
Me: Hey, Bud. Getting hungry?
4: nope

6:15
Me: almost ready for dinner?
4: not yet

6:25
Me: Time to wash your hands to eat.
4: But I’m not hungry

6:30
Me: are you-
4: I’M STARVINGGG. WHY IS MY FOOD TAKING SO LOOONG? WHEN ARE WE GONNA EEEAT? WHY DON’T YOU LOVE MEEE?

At noon, we ride.*

*start the dishwasher and sort the laundry.

i absolutely refuse to drink any tap water till it’s gone though my brita filter that i haven’t changed in 5 years

Me, dry heaving and wheezing: Everest was a mistake! I’m going to die alone on this godless wasteland

The Sherpa: Miss? We are still in the parking lot

James Bond is trending so here’s ROGER MOORE in the greatest celebrity story ever. #JamesBond

If I had to choose between watching Frozen 1 and Frozen 2, I’d probably choose whiskey.

[driving to a party]
WIFE: please try to spice up your stories a little bit tonight

[at the party]
ME: my doctor prescribed me a new blood pressure medicine *glances at wife* so i murdered him

[opening birthday presents]
me: …is this another dead cat?

schrödinger: *way too excited* we don’t know until you open it!

My daughter has recently become deathly afraid of our cat. So I’m going to have to get rid of her. At least I’ll have my cat to comfort me.

[eyeing a beautiful woman]

ME: mmmm I love tight yoga pants

HER: they look terrible on you

a bunch of us teens are going out to the forest to burn a piece of paper that says ‘responsibilities’ on it. for symbolism

Do those “selfie sticks” retract, or do you just have to walk around like a doofus with a stick all day?

The Pope is putting out a Christmas album. And just like that, Lady Gaga now has the SECOND weirdest wardrobe in music

Pro-tip: The best way to keep people away from you in public is to carry a clipboard. People fear the living shit out of clipboards.

what if nobody was president and we all promised really hard to just be good

Drive Thru Clerk: Wow, you smell good. What are you wearing?

Me: [hiding fries from the other drive thru] You wouldn’t know, it’s french.