Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My daughter was giving me major attitude so I asked her if she’s seen Rapunzel and she said yes and I said keep it up and you’ll be locked in your room like that tower until your hair grows that long.

My daughter wrote a story at school about a sad cat that drinks cocktails so I should probably call her teacher

I’m convinced that this trip to Toronto will end with my being arrested for not being nice enough.

Apparently, some parents are not appreciative of a sweet super supportive air horn during a children’s piano recital.

Got so drunk last night that I was able to translate three Pearl Jam albums into English

how to exercise your calf muscles

Detective: Did your husband have any enemies, ma’am?
Wife: Well, the cat next door never really liked Jim, and that always seemed a bit odd.

i love that bands still pretend to leave before their encore. like peekaboo for adults

I was watching a murder show set in Idaho and realized I had never been to Idaho and it looked so gorgeous so I said I would like to visit Idaho.

Husband, “You are by far the weirdest woman I have ever met.”

“What do you think you’re doing?”
“I was just-“
“Where am I, Jessica?”
“In the basket.”
“And what does that mean?”
“It’s YOU time?”
“It’s ME time. What else?”
“No touching?”
“No touching.”

Don’t become a scientist y’all, it’s a trap.

When it works, you gotta do more experiments.
When it doesn’t work, you gotta do more experiments.

Best thing about staying in an Airbnb is trying to see what’s in that one locked closet.

I hate horror movies where everything goes back to normal at the end. You just had a demon inside you, but yeah, let’s go for pancakes.

Every call with my mother starts in one of two ways:

1. WHY HAVEN’T YOU CALLED? IS EVERYTHING OK?
2. WHY ARE YOU CALLING? IS EVERYTHING OK?

My husband and I have been spending a lot of time together. Now my boyfriend is pissed. It’s like I can’t win.

I think my wife has been messing with me, my present this year was two socks that had been missing from the laundry.

Thoughts and Prayers aren’t working, it’s time to start pitching folks into a volcano
I had a shirt with a tag that said “tumble dry only.” I did like twenty cartwheels and it was still wet.

Being eaten by zombies sounds less painful than running away from zombies.

I just broke two of my dad’s old Queen Records. Now I want to break three.

ok like just. call me at this point

If being a role model involves anything before noon, I don’t want anything to do with that shit.

The “I Voted” sticker should have a frowny face on it this year.

Ruin a Tolstoy novel by changing 587287 words

I’ve been deep cleaning my house, so far I’ve removed 2,547 rocks 6,872 leaves and 4,925 sticks from my kid’s rooms.

Me: THE DEVIL KICKED JOHNNYS ASS! HE DONT APPRECIATE THE GOLDEN FIDDLE

Cop: *megaphone* UR SO WRONG- oh sorry chief- LET THE HOSTAGES GO

When you offer me cookies, act surprised when I take one. Declare loudly you’ve never seen me eat dessert before.

There’s no need to panic; Taco Bell is offering free gas with every meal

If someone offers you nuts by asking “Cashews?” and you don’t answer “God bless you” they will take away your dad card.

Friend at bar asking what everyone wants in thier drinks: Do you like lime?

Other friend: What, like in tacos?

This is why I love them.

Nothing is quite as scary as hearing your doorbell ring on the same night you made a blood sacrifice to the dark lord.