Kids are great bc it’ll be freezing and they’ll complain about being cold and you have to remind them that they can wear pants
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[at the gun store]
Me: I’ll take that gun & a box of ammo
Clerk: that’ll be $250
Me [with a gun & a box of ammo]: no
You know what? If Argentina wants to cry for me, I’m okay with that.
no, no… I don’t want to be a burden
– me being a total burden
I held a flashlight between my teeth while I shuffled through some papers and now I’m an FBI agent
Me: Do we really have to share my dessert?
Her: Don’t worry, I eat like a bird.
Fool me once shame on you
Fool me 7 times you must be a car that looks like mine in the mall parking lot
[on a date]
HER: any accomplishments?
ME: yeah, i’m an award winning [eyes darting around] award winning [sees a dog] dog… liker
HER: awww
PRIEST: 1st the groom’s vows.
ME: *Unfolds notes* I’m only doing this for the cake.
PRIEST: That’s not really-
HER: That’s what I wrote too.
When you promised to deliver the project in two weeks but didn’t mention which year
Superman: So when I’m exposed to large amounts of sunlight, I get stronger and fly faster!
Icarus: sO wHeN i’M eXpOsEd To LaRgE aMoUnTs Of sUnLiGhT…. SHUT THE HELL UP CLARK!!
[first day as a baker]
boss: open this door. you better not be making sculptures again
me: ahh [frantically trying to hide bread pitt and angelina doughlie] just a second
I moved to this city ten years ago with just the clothes on my back. I soon learned that I’d also need some clothes for my front. City people aren’t as open minded as you’d think.
Things I’m leaving in 2021:
Telling my kids to brush their teeth. Have fun with cavities you dummies.
Hiding my snacks from kids. No you can’t have any. Get a job and buy your own.
Waiting until 5pm to drink wine. 9am rosé pairs well with another lockdown and virtual learning.
Get off my lawn, Pokemon Go edition
Cowboys would still be alive today if they hadn’t shot all of their spare bullets in the air after winning one gunfight.
[gf comes home after spray tanning]
Hey, orange you looking good!
“Thanks”
Anytime, pumpkin!
“You’re sweet”
You’re one in vermillion!
Date: you know that was just a filter, right?
Me: *upset she’s not part puppy* it’s fine, I’m fine
I love Bruce Lee because he studied art and poetry and decided the most beautiful form of self expression is punching someone in the face
theory: eating m&ms one at a time will decrease my chances of eating them all in one sitting and feeling terrible later.
findings: I am going to barf very soon.
[on a plane]
Stewardess: “Would you like a mint? It’ll help your ears during takeoff”
Me: “Sure, can I have two?”
*puts one in each ear*
Don’t date a man expecting to change him. At the end of the day he’ll still be a man, and you’ll have wasted your black candles and a goat.
“Valentine’s Day is overrated and presents aren’t necessary to show love”
– *people who don’t get anything for Valentine’s Day
*me
hungover at 22: dag gonna be 9 minutes late for work
at 39: …finally, to my faithful cat elroy i leave my cache of nagano ’98 olympic pins
me: my friend died in her sleep 🙁
my grandpa: back in my day we walked uphill 10 miles before we died
*washing motorcycle with my shirt off
*cops show up
Cops: That guy told you to stay away from his motorcycle
My heart says yes, but my ankle monitor says no
Autocorrect changed “panic attack” to “pancake attack” and now I’m hysterical AND hungry.
Have kids so you can regularly test the limits of your sanity by watching someone eat a starburst in 26 bites.
Think I will donate my body to science so they can all stand over my cadaver and wonder how
Hobbies include:
1. Crying about the past
2. Procrastinating in the present
3. Worrying about the future