“I do not negotiate with terrorists!” said me, everyday, multiple times a day, to my children.
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If I was a mafia don’s wife, I’d keep the couches wrapped in plastic if only to keep my kids in line.
My favorite deleted scene from Lord of the Rings is when Bilbo & Frodo discover they have a long lost hipster cousin called Douche Baggins.
I deduct 5% gratuity for every extra spoon my Cheesecake Factory server puts on my plate, “In case I feel like sharing.”
Son: can I get lunch money
Dad: I have a boyfriend
My husband’s car radio is broken and stuck on a country station. I feel personally victimized when I have to ride with him.
Gluten-free!
Pumpkin pie!
Whole Foods has made me a happy guy.Vegan too?
Yes it’s true.
One less thing on the list of have-to-do!
Why do they call it a zoom meeting, and not a co-vid?
Today Mother phoned asked me what I was doing . I said I was on Google maps and looking at her house .She asked if I could see her waving .
I didn’t realize how much of parenting is yelling “It’s not a touchscreen!”
How do I form meaningful friendships as an adult without enrolling in grad school or joining a cult?
not reading the comments on ads is a crime tbh
*sells my soul*
Devil: I want a refund
I like the murder hornets. So sick of all the negativity.
I’m trying to send the zombie apocalypse but the zombies say they’d rather starve.
*Do not consume if seal is broken*
I’ve just gone through this whole box of animal crackers and haven’t found one seal.
The first rule of Illiteracy Club is no reading. That was a test, and you failed. You’re failing now. You’re not welcome in Illiteracy Club.
Potty training my twins is like the Titanic’s maiden voyage… In the beginning we are excited, in the end everyone is crying and all wet.
Either I stood up too quickly or this quart of vodka was deliciouser than I thought.
Could reporters stop asking if political leaders “believe” in climate change and start asking if they understand it instead
I accidently invited people to our house and now I have to finish painting the bathroom I started 8 months ago.
My therapist: try working on your active listening skills
Me: goes home and binges Peaky Blinders with no subtitles
[Skype]
ME: Finally I see your face and wow.
HIM: [naked] Where are you?!
ME: Starbucks. Wanna meet a few friends? They like your tweets.
When a cop tells you to “spread ’em” he is not flirting. I know this now.
Homeless people are so lucky. They don’t have to pay rent and can eat as many pigeons as they want.
[cute guy approaches at bar]
Him: Hey can I…
Me: [blushing] Yes?
Him: Can I get a pic of you for my mom? You look just like my grandpa.
A very sad, cold hearted person sent an anonymous letter to my wife stating I was having an affair with a woman friend. I wasn’t. What has happened in their life to make them do that? However, the fact my wife and daughter thought it was so preposterous was really annoying.
On our weekly family Zoom, my stepmom always says how pretty I am.
Today I replied, “I’m more than a pretty face.”
STEPMOM: “Are you sure?”
ME: “I have an elbow. Look.”
SM: “That’s nothing to brag about.”
ME: “It bends and everything.”
SM: “I’ve seen better.”
If the pandemic has taught us anything, it’s that everything can be done naked.
Walgreens guy: You still need to leave
[Speed dating]
Me: Have you won any awards for playing the Quiet Game?
Him:…
Me: Next!
My son can play any song by ear on the piano.
I can sort items for the recycling bin.