“Kids are great when you need help around the house.”
– People who don’t have kids
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Whenever my husband annoys me,
I force him to go to the store for
Maxi pads, extra thin with extra wings
MUST HAVE EXTRA WINGS
Don’t come home without it
Peter Pan is my favorite story about how running away from all your problems will allow you to remain youthful and to possibly fly someday
Lost in a corn maze? Light it on fire. Turn it into a popcorn maze. Eat your way out.
Accidentally threw out the lid of the ice cream. Now I’ve no choice but to eat it all.
50% of parenting is saying “we’ve got food at home.”
Obama says he supports gay marriage because his views have “evolved.” Republicans unsure which half of the sentence to get more angry about.
I’m so out of shape, Internet Explorer could probably run faster than me.
My husband purchased a world map and then gave me a dart and said, “Throw this and wherever it lands—that’s where I’m taking you when this pandemic ends.”
Turns out, we’re spending two weeks behind the fridge.
GOD: That’s the last of the animals. Now add warning colors to the poison ones
ANGEL: Will do
GOD: But not all of them, keep some surprises
You don’t need flavored coffee. It already has a flavor. Coffee.
Eating mint chocolate is like brushing your teeth with a candy bar toothbrush.
Just heard that someone has started digging Fidel Castro’s grave..
Must be a communist plot.
People who hit Reply All to 20+ recipients and then say, “Thanks!”–please know, you are going to Hell. Nothing can save you. Nothing.
To be honest, I’m annoyed that my 5th grade curriculum didn’t include a ‘Defense against the dark arts’ class.
[Applebee’s Manager Application]
1. Are you a good people leader
2. Can you manage a P&L
3. Are you willing to fistfight the Chili’s Manager
Wife: when did we get a new dishwasher
Me: u said change the dishwasher & stack the baby
Wife: how do u stack a baby
Me: u get other babies
Whenever I hear snapping, I always fear I’m walking into a battle between rival gangs from West Side Story.
me: sorry if I’m bothering you
surgeon: how do you keep waking up and saying that
Play monopoly on the first date so you know what you’re getting into
Give me one good reason not to have a drink.
Hepatologist: Hold my beer.
Age 15: kids are stupid
Age 25: kids are stupid
Age 35: I love my kids but kids are stupid
Crazy how my 5yo can explain something in painstaking detail unless it’s anything I specifically asked her.
* feels winds of change
* realizes it’s just a hole in my shorts
A thoughtful Romcom about mansplaining called “Well, Actually”
sometimes when I think that I might be about to do something stupid or ill-advised, I think of grandma’s last words to me: “don’t unplug that”
All of Ariel’s mer-sisters’ names started with A too. More like keeping up with the Karsplashians.
Me: I’m living paycheque to paycheque
Society: Maybe you should have gotten an education
Me: I’m a teacher
It’s not a good date unless it ends with you slowly walking off into the ocean like Godzilla.
I suspect in a previous life I was either Napoleon or maybe some socks.
I picked one hell of a year to stop drinking.