“Kids are great when you need help around the house.”
– People who don’t have kids
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I’m a 40 yr old man sitting at a Café with my eyes closed, squirting packets of mayo from under the table at the window as people walk by.
interviewer: how do you explain this long gap in your resume?
me: self-quarantine
interviewer: but this was between 1998 and 2000
me: *looks off in distance, shivers* furbies
ME: *watching the sun rise* ugh, this shit again?
THE SUN: *watching the earth rotate around until I appear* ugh, this shit again?
I quit enjoying makeup sex when I realized he looked better in mascara and blush than I do.
“Oh, I like your coat!”
“What? This old rag? It cost 2p! I’ve had it for ten years. I found it in a bin. It’s seen better days. I hate it. Been meaning to get a new one. Thank you, though!”
Let’s settle this like men… men with bad judgment & unlimited water balloons
I saved a ton of money on cool sports cars, vacation getaways and NFL season tickets by having children.
When a girl walks in with an itty bitty waist and a round thing in your face you get
Good morning babe! Do you like good girls? [Starts making you breakfast] or bad girls [burns the toast]
Him: How did you get in my house?
Me: I’m going to be so productive today!
Apple Screen Time Report: LOL
The room quiets as you pick up a pen. You are left-handed and perhaps the first one they’ve ever seen in the wild.
*Pops up out of your shower drain.
You really should look into a home security system. Let me tell you why ADT is right for you.
There’s a bag of Hersey’s chocolate in the kitchen.
I’ve been smothering myself with kisses.
I don’t remember my password, so I’ll just start my hundredth new account.
-Everyone’s mom
I feel like before a bee stings a human, all his dumb bee friends are like “you can totally take him.”
Maybe Bowser is mad at Mario because he’s terrible at plumbing, flooded with castle with lava, and left exposed unfinished pipes everywhere…
Goat: So, I make a ridiculous sound?
God: Yes.
Goat: Anything else weird I should know about?
God: Horizontal Pupils
Goat: What the- *stiffens, falls sideways*
God: YouTube is gonna love you.
[First Date]
Me: so can I see you again?
Her: I had a nice time but I don’t think so
Me: *stops holding in stomach*
I became a Veterinary Assistant because I’m always covered in dog hair and wear pajamas all day anyway
I thought my Monday couldn’t get any worse but then Linda from HR said I can’t *make* people in the office call me Stingray.
17 year-old Malia Obama playing beer pong is the most outrageous thing the child of a president has done since George W. Bush invaded Iraq
A werewolf is chasing you. Your life flashes before your eyes: crappy jobs, breakups, Ren fairs. The werewolf gets depressed and goes home.
You’re either part of the problem or the entire problem.
When Hugh Hefner dies no one will say he’s in a better place now.
It must be such a rush to be a predator and feel the need to chase and catch something while at the SAME TIME thinking “That looks delicious.”
Like imagine if donuts could run.
“Think outside the toy box” -my kids bs excuse for why they didn’t clean up
Macbeth [waggling eybrows]: I know a spot
Lady Macbeth: out
Macbeth: but-
Lady Macbeth: OUT
i’ve had too much coffee
~ amateurs
The pottery scene from Ghost except they’ve been married for ten years and she’s like “get away from me you idiot, I’m working”