Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: I want to travel

Bank account: Where? To work?

my friend trusts me to be around her boyfriend alone because i’m basically her scary father he’s forced to bond with to earn my respect

rumpelstiltskin: you must guess my name or surrender your first born

barista: *under breath* shit

I got drunk and went to an AAA meeting. It didn’t help. There were just a bunch of sober people talking about roadside maintenance.

It’s no coincidence that Monday and Murder both start with M.

I just want to know enough sign language to convince people to stop talking to me

i woke up at 3:48 from a weird dream i wanted to rememember. tried to text myself sketchy details. accidentally sent them to a number one off from mine. help

We all make silly mistakes like when I asked the lady with massive lip injections if she was allergic to bees.

I have an innuendo addiction and I’m really pleased when I manage to write a tweet without one. It’s really hard when you just want to slip one in.

My son asked me to teach him how to tie a tie but I thought it was just easier to give him the already knotted tie that has been handed down by the men in my family for generations.

*saves baby from burning building*
“How can I ever repay you?!”
Favstar in the bio
“Oh I don’t have Twi-”
*returns baby to burning building*

I just turned my desktop keyboard upside down, shook it, and a taco salad fell out.

At least it tasted like a taco salad.

Years ago I tried on my sister’s bra, couldn’t undo the clasp & was too embarrassed to ask for help. I’m still wearing it. I live in shame.

The Others (2001)

Masks have freed me to do a whole lot of weird things with my mouth in public that I never even knew I wanted to do.

My son was invited over 2 different friend’s houses for a sleepover and he picked the friend that has a whole drawer in the fridge dedicated to just cheese and I’m wondering how to get invited over for a sleepover

Unchained Melody, but I have no idea how she got loose.

Me: Can I buy you a drink?

Girl: I’m an alcoholic

Me: Ok, but I can only afford one.

[solar eclipse]

SUN: OMG everyone’s taking my picture today, they must love me! Do I look ok? Hope nobody photobombs me

MOON: Hold my beer

[trying to eat a pretzel]

the knot wizard hath defeated me again

Basically, my plan is to have a gender reveal party and shoot someone in the face with a potato cannon. No, I’m not pregnant.

PATIENT: How tough was medical school for a dog like you?
DR DOG: *thinking back on all the homework he ate* It wasn’t easy

Me: *walking in front of husband at store*

Husband: “Ooo yeahhhh, now that’s what I’m talkin about”

Me: *turns around to see husband admiring a fancy grill*

Why do Swedish warships have bar codes on the sides?

So that when they return to port, they can Scandinavian.

I just read more people are killed by toasters than sharks. So if you’re swimming in the ocean and see a toaster SWIM FOR YOUR LIFE!

If stranded in a lifeboat in the middle of the sea, rub 2 FB accounts together to generate enough thoughts & prayers to lift you to safety.

the moral of the Phantom of the Opera is that sometimes there’s this weird guy who is impossible to deal with

VICTIM: First time murdering? I have a suggestion.
ME (sharpening my gun): Go on.

If your jokes are corny I’m all ears.

It takes an entire village’s coffee to raise a child