Kids are home for two weeks while their school is being cleaned. I want to blame the virus but in reality, Corona is how I wound up with three kids in the first place.
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I love having a bowl for my keys by the door, it’s really helpful to have one less place to look for them
would’ve started saving money in kindergarten if I knew life was gone be like this
SON: I need lunch money.
DAD: Get a job.
SON: I’m in 5th grade-
DAD: All I’m hearin’ is excuses.
“How about… we change the 6 to a 7?”
“I love it!”
–board meeting at the company that makes novelty sunglasses for New Year’s Eve
[Bartending]
Girl: I’d like a martini, make it virgin
Me: ok, I’ll make it, just stop calling me that
hm so saying “oh god” and “oh yes” during sex is acceptable and encouraged but as soon as i say “oh text RESIST to 50409 to support net neutrality” im suddenly ruining the mood??
“Don’t come in here there’s glass,” I say, but it’s too late. They all know the sound of secret peanut M&Ms skittering across the kitchen floor.
I always wear a wet suit and goggles to the pub so I don’t look like an idiot when I wake up on the beach in the morning.
Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
7 has started saying “your life just got better,” whenever he enters the room; humility is not this kid’s strong-suit.
Me: *eating 8’s M&Ms*
8: where are my M&Ms?
Me: *hides packet* what M&Ms?
8: the ones from grandma
Me: what grandma?
8: my grandma
Me: is she though?
8: I don’t understand
Me: well go to your room and think about it
8:
Me:
8: *walks off*
Me: *finishes eating M&Ms*
Wife: [putting cheese on her eggs] do we need to change our diet?
Me: [putting cheese on my oatmeal] oatmeal and eggs are pretty healthy.
Wife: [putting cheese on her cheese] so that’s a no?
Me: [drinking cheese from the blender] definitely a no.
[in the car]
4yo: Can my window go down?
Me: It can. Would you like me to roll it down for you?
4yo: Roll?! Why did you say roll?
Me: *spends rest of car ride explaining window cranks
if a baby cow is a calf then a baby horse should be a half ok thank you i won’t be fielding anymore questions at this time.
taking a toddler to the beach timeline:
-pack the entire house: 1 hour
-find parking: 35 mins
-get sunscreen on a moving child: 15 mins
-set up all your stuff: 25 mins
-get a solid 15 mins of playtime in before some bullshit (child is fussy, bored, tired)
-pack up… 🤣
My husband told me today’s Wordle word as soon as I woke up, so he’s up for grabs if anyone’s interested.
If you’re feeling too good about yourself, go ask a 5 yr old to guess your age. That should even things out.
She’s a 10 which makes it hard for her to find decent shoes.
Why is called the Vatican and not Holywood?
My dad loves telling the story of when I was young I asked ”when is someone going to die, so I can move from the kids’ table?”
Soulmate sounds like something Satan puts in his coffee.
Passenger: Do you mind if I take a picture out the window?
Pilot: Of course, you utter dipshit.
[after getting pulled over]
cop: are you registered
me: i don’t vote
cop: i meant the car
me: no it doesn’t vote either
No Himalayan cow hoof for me please. I’m yak toes intolerant.
I ain’t never seen a alligator so happy to be getting a toothbrush bath 😭
True friends show up during the middle of a bad date, dressed like a police officer and pretend to arrest you for murdering 7 other guys after the first date.
Me: I’ve never met a toilet I couldn’t clog!
Job interviewer: …And a weakness?
AOL was hacked yesterday so watch out for spam email that looks like it came from 1995.
No one has ever had more confidence in me than the waiter who just gave me one napkin with my lunch
It’s so cold, my dentures are chattering as they soak.