Kids are home for two weeks while their school is being cleaned. I want to blame the virus but in reality, Corona is how I wound up with three kids in the first place.
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Rich people are telling us their lack of bathing habits to try & discourage us from eating them
The face palm is the only houseplant you can’t kill
Clerk: Why do you need 200 condoms?
Me: I have a beard and an accent. *winks*
*Spends night making balloon animals
Fight Club, but instead of blowing up all the financial institutions, they reset all twitter follower counts back to zero.
ME: *turns around instead of wiping the steam off my bathroom mirror*
SERIAL KILLER BEHIND ME: okay wow way to ruin the moment
-Where was I conceived, dad?
Dad: Ahh *rubs back of neck* At the Bellagio in Las Vegas.
-Rly?
Dad: Wd I lie to u, Bestwestern Broomcloset?
Twitter takes me places I’ve never been before. Take oncoming traffic for example.
My 9: what language does toast speak?
French toast.
Dad: (tears in eyes) you’re going to make a fine dad someday
Son: (tears in eyes) should I make him out of wood or metal
Dad: (just bawling)
It’s not summer until you put on your bikini and realize it probably wasn’t a good idea to eat 9,000 lbs of skittles, starbursts, and sour patch kids all year.
condom commercials should just be a live-feed of couples trying to enjoy a decent meal at a restaurant with their kids
I miss that time in my life when people asked easy questions, like “What’s your favorite color?” or “Where is your belly button?”.
Wife: *putting shoes on* Time to take out the garbage
Me: Can we please go back to calling it date night
Carl’s joy at escaping the predators captured forever by an ill-timed mud slide.
due to the pandemic “following up” is currently suspended. if you try to “circle back” with me i will call the police
Hold on, you guys. Turns out the person with bad opinions is extremely attractive. I’m on their side now.
“911, what is your emergency?”
I got stuck in a beaded curtain
“Again?”
SEND HELP
I wish my doctor would put down a little treat to distract me like my vet does for my dog.
11yo said he can’t wait to grow up so he won’t have to do chores anymore. I had forgotten how cathartic it is to laugh until you cry.
The moment I learned I was going to have to hide my grapes from this kitty…
There are so many of you I would love to hug and like two that I’m afraid they’d make me into a lampshade
[At vet]
Me: My dog has been throwing up what looks like egg shells.
Vet: What have you been feeding him?
Me: Egg shells.
this lady on nextdoor was like “we’ve had this chihuahua for ten years but we had a baby so now we’re getting rid of our dog does anyone want him” and i replied “rehome the baby” and now IM the bad guy?
About ran over a guy jogging at 6 am in 10 degree weather, simply as a mercy killing. But my husband stopped me, explaining that some people “enjoy” that sort of thing.
So I just started chasing the dude with my car, to increase his joy.
Boy: Daddy can you beat a vampire?
Me: Well vampires don’t exis-
Boy: Can you beat a black hole?
Me: A black hole is-
Boy: A rhino?
Me: The thi-
Boy: A T-Rex?
Me: Wel-
Boy: Mike’s dad?
Me: Yes.
I keep getting questions about whether or not I’m actually running for president. The answer is yes. And on top of that, I’m holding a knife, so I’m running even faster than all the other candidates.
Doctor: And how many partners have you had?
Danny Ocean: It varies by movie.
I think my husband is beginning to suspect
In honor of the fall equinox I will also be cold, distant & filled with darkness
If you bring a child into a store and give that child a whistle, just know everyone in there will be a suspect in your murder.