Kids are home for two weeks while their school is being cleaned. I want to blame the virus but in reality, Corona is how I wound up with three kids in the first place.
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SOMEBODY: she had a boyfriend who looked like that girlfriend that you had in february of last year
ME: what the hell are you talking about
me: thanks for letting me work from home
boss: *turns off shower* I meant your home
We decided to have money instead of children.
So instead of doing laundry I just spent 2 solid hours ranking my laundry baskets from favorite to least favorite.
I canceled my plans to go swimming because it was threatening to rain. I was OK with getting wet but only on my terms.
I’m not sure if this is the same kind of plague, but I smeared my period blood on the door frame just in case.
Stay humble, you are someone’s weird coworker.
Wife [at a hotel]: Did you sleep ok without me? I never sleep when you’re not in bed with me.
Me [fully rested after 10 hrs of uninterrupted sleep]: No omg so tired.
When your computer’s memory runs out that’s ramnesia
Viking funerals are perfect for when you want to honor a friend and also get rid of a boat.
[Every restaurant ever]
Manager: “Has he got a mouthful of food?”
Waiter: “Yes.”
Manager: “Go and ask him how his meal is.”
No one has a bigger death wish than a 10yo spying on her older sister while her sister is talking to a boy.
You and I share a very special connection.
*I’m parked outside your house using your Wi-fi.
3yo: Daddy, I lost the recorder behind the couch
Me: Oh… that’s too bad
10yo: we can just move the couch…
Me: no we can’t!
10yo: yes we can…
Me: the couch is bolted down!
10yo: it’s not…
Me: you don’t know that!
10yo:(starts moving couch) yes I do
Me: GO TO YOUR ROOM
her: why is there a duck on your shoulder?
me: he’s my life coach
her: you wanna go to olive garden?
*duck whispers in my ear*
me: that’s a yes
me: hey what’s your ring size
her: omg why
me: [closing out of custom bowling ball website] just thinking about the future
Encore…
The cat puked all over the bath mat so I just tossed it into the trash can. Then I put the bath mat in the washer.
Chomsky? I’m afraid I don’t Noam
When I find out you work in the medical profession, no matter the capacity, I will ask you to look at this rash. Just to annoy you
Hey I bet if lumberjacks had a dating app it’d be called Timber. And I bet also that if beavers had a dating app it’d also be called Timber. And I even bet—hell, I’m willing to say it—I bet if pirates had a dating app it’d be called Timber, too. You know as in shiver me
You’d think a baby would make the perfect paperweight, but this one keeps rolling off my desk.
INTERVIEWER: can you explain this gap in your resume
ME: no but i can explain this gap in my teeth. i can shoot water out of it. *takes a sip of his coffee* vanna thee?
I think tomorrow I’m going to respond to everyone using only lyrics from songs by The Dead Deads. Wish me some luck at the DMV.
If you are thinking about leaving Twitter because so many of your old friends have already left, remember I’m still here. And that’s another good reason to leave
Whenever a guy peeps into my phone, I open the front cam and take a selfie with him.
Jesus “I will come back to judge the living and the dead”…. But until then, I’ll appear in dirty ceilings and toast”
Me: *snarl* Sorry. Been dealing with a work deadline, a pandemic, full-time distant learning, & trying to make sure my kid’s sole understanding of current events isn’t constructed by random youtubers & internet memes
Person: So, does that mean you’re busy?
Me: *laughing*
[girl accidentally runs me over with her car]
her: OMG IM SORRY
me, crushed under her tire: haha soooo like what are we
The skeletons in my closet are making inappropriate sexual advances at the monsters under my bed!