Kids are home for two weeks while their school is being cleaned. I want to blame the virus but in reality, Corona is how I wound up with three kids in the first place.
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“weighing in at 129 lbs, here to throw down in a gown, to slay with a bouquet-”
(Bride walks down the aisle, upset I mentioned her weight)
Scar: Now that I’m king, we have new rules. First, if you get sick, don’t take medicine. Just die and let the hyenas eat you. Secondly, no more elections. I’ll let you know if I’m still king. And lastly, if anyone accuses me of something, they should be thrown into a stampede.
Tired of being single? Just lower your standards a bit. My new girlfriend is a coconut taped to a mop.
Hell hath no fury like 2 parties who each think they have booked the conference room for the day.
*phone rings*
“Yeh hi who’s this? Sure he’s here hold on.. Drastic Measures! Call for u.”
“Who is it?”
“Drastic Times”
*crowd goes wild*
I’m not religious but I know there’s a hell because Monopoly exists
We’re all controlled by the bots and algorithms. Except you, your thoughts and opinions are completely original. 🙂
Swiss cheese was invented when some cheesemakers were shooting the bries.
CW: It’s 11:11 make a wish.
Me: I wish I could throw a clock at your face.
that little alien would be worth a lot more if it was in the original box, always keep the box for stuff like that
Indian Brothers & Sisters: You know all those awful things Columbus did to the Native Americans? Just remember…HE WAS LOOKING FOR US
“23 and Me” is how Leonardo DiCaprio RSVPs for events.
My 3yo was sitting on my lap reading a book
I lowered my head to kiss the top of his head
At the same time he whipped his head up and whacked my nose, fracturing itI have a swollen bruised nose just bc I wanted to love him
This is motherhood
[funeral home]
DIRECTOR: Your uncle got hit by a bus?
ME: Yeah.
DIRECTOR: Do you want a quote on the headstone?
ME: Like what?
DIRECTOR: Well, did he have any last words?
ME: Yes.
Just tell me those 3 words I am dying to hear:
“The meeting’s cancelled.”
A man just tried to flirt with me at work so picked up a Daddy long legs spider and carried around it on my shoulder. He left and I hope the spider never does
Me: Honey, would you please go downstairs and get mommy’s medicine and bring it up to her?
3yo: *Brings up a bottle of whiskey*
Me:
Hubby: “Well, she’s not wrong…”
“You the bomb” “No you the bomb”….- A compliment in America.An argument in the Middle East.
GOD: I will send you to Earth to be a martyr.
JESUS: What’s a martyr?
GOD: Not much, what’s a martyr with you?
Googled my symptoms and turns out I should have taken the cake out the oven 17 minutes ago
I drew y’all a little something.
Friend: Good for you for working out.
Me: I said I done squat today.
I’m annoyed giraffes don’t eat birds directly outta the sky
My phone autocorrected “people” to “pricks” because my phone knows all of you
Hockey fights are cool but imagine the make up sex afterwards in the locker room.
me: my father fought in the war
her: which one?
me: I’ve only got one dad
Jesus was actually killed by the FBI when he discovered birds weren’t real
it’s so important to spend hours reading various product reviews across multiple sites before saying “yeah fuck it this one” and buying whatever you happen to be looking at around 2 am
[horse walks into a bar]
Bartender: Why the long face?
H: The world is spiraling down the crapper.
BT: You’re supposed to say-
H: Just pour.
I just told my husband I found a giant active wasp nest in our backyard and he said “I know! I saw that a few days ago!” so we got to have a lecture about “see something, say something.”