Kids are like bears. If you play dead eventually they’ll leave you alone.
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A few dozen cupcakes tripped and fell into my mouth against my will.
Itsy bitsy spider (drenched): sorry I’m late
Spider’s wife: what took so long?
Itsy bitsy spider: I got washed down the water spout
Spider’s wife: you won’t be climbing up that again
Itsy bitsy spider: yeah… for sure
There should be an energy drink named 6 AM toddler.
My dad: what kind of dog is that?
Me: Rhodesian Ridgeback.
Dad: Rhode Island douche bag?
Me: close enough.
Psychiatrist: You saw a doctor before me?
Me: Yes.
Psychiatrist: What was their diagnosis?
Me: ᵐᵘˡᵗⁱᵖˡᵉ ᵖᵉʳˢᵒⁿᵃˡⁱᵗʸ ᵈⁱˢᵒʳᵈᵉʳ
Psychiatrist: Excuse me?
Me: HE SAID MULTIPLE PERSONALITY DISORDER.
Me: I’m here for Unreliable Club
Guy: The meeting was yesterday
Me: I know
Guy *under breath* holy shit this guy’s good
All Your Eggs in One Basket would be a lovely name for an only child
Mom u can stop cutting the crust off my bread now im in a gang
Still my favorite headline of all time:
“We should get tickets,” is as close to a rock concert as I get these days.
The best revenge is living well. Starting after you murder the person who wronged you.
[cop sniffing me] you’re all over the road get out of the vehicle
[me after putting on too much hand cream] I’ll try
Never play musical chairs against a person in a wheelchair. They will always beat you.
I took my kids to the playground and now they want me to push them on the swings. Jesus Christ, haven’t I done enough?
I gave my baby a teething toy so she would stop chewing on my fingers.
She wasn’t interested because it didn’t scream out in pain.
Parrots can live to be 75 years old *makes eye contact with parrot* …but not if they keep repeating the refrain to “Lime In the Coconut”
So embarrassing when you compliment a lady on her large belly and it turns out she’s just pregnant.
[dinner]
SIS: I made $1M last year. Please pass the peas
BRO. Same. Please pass a roll
ME: I have $1.23 in my shoe. Please pass the cyanide
Plot twist: Dogs and cats do not adjust their clocks to Daylight Saving Time. Meals will be expected at the regularly appointed hour.
I still giggle when i get in an Elevator and someone asks me “Going Down? ” as i am so tempted to say to them “Buy me dinner first”.
Welcome to your 40s, you now respond to every younger person telling you their age with “Jesus Christ”.
Get married and have kids so that you can Google things like “How to teach your kid to not bite”.
They say to avoid things that excite you when it’s time to sleep, but what’s more exciting than getting to sleep?
If a vacuum cleaner really sucks does this mean it’s good or bad?
Instead of onlyfans I spend all my money on onlyfood
They should make halloween albums like they do for Christmas. I’d love to hear a Michael Bublé version of Monster Mash.
God *creates a worm* hello little buddy!
Worm: Thanks for the “worm” welcome haha
God *creates birds*
[Job Interview]
Sir, it says here you’re part of a small group of criminals that primarily kills interviewersoohhhhmygod