Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Someone should open a bar called “The Gym”, so when I tell people where I’m going, it won’t be a lie.

My eyes: *see baby on board sign*

My brain: surfing infant

You want me to turn around. The thing that led to a total eclipse of the heart

Teen: Your outfit is on fleek!
Me: (confused) Yeah well your MOM is on fleek.
Teen: (smiles) Thank you!
Me: God damn it.

Sometimes you need to hug someone out…

…cold.

Asked for Cheez-its
Wife buys Cheese Nips
Now she’s sitting in the corner thinking about what she did.

The Commandments
1) def don’t kill
2) no stealing, obvs
3) don’t say my name? idk
4) luv ur neighbs!
5) but don’t LOVE-love them, that’s bad

“babe, lauren. you always act like this when you do gin shots. you’re causing a scene”

CUSTOMER: [handing me a 20] can I have two 5’s and a 10?

ME: [thinking of the girl who wrote ‘never change’ in my high school yearbook] no

I’m sure a spider is never scrutinized for spending too much time on the web.

*seats stuffed animals around the table for a team meeting*

Everyone, I think I’ve been working from home for too long.

I’m down 10 lbs since Christmas and all I did was drink more water and stop eating gingerbread houses.

I have my binoculars ready for the upcoming solar eclipse. This is going to be amazing.

Did you know Lysol kills 99.9% of germs & my toothpaste has tartar control? You would too if you sat in my bathroom without your phone.

me: *dies*
death: welcome to the afterlife
me: how do I get to heaven?
death: *points* go up those stairs
me: what about hell?
death: *points* go down those stairs
me: and limbo?
death: *points* just duck under that bar

Did you know that an apple can accidentally be flushed down the toilet in a perfect storm of events?

We do, now.

(Just kidding; it’s only half-flushed & is now stuck in the pipes & my god why are kids like this.)

Look, I’m not saying he’s a bad dentist. I’m just saying maybe you should check his references.

“Good parenting isn’t giving your kid everything she needs, but rather it is giving her the tools to enable her to obtain those things for herself” I reflect as I apply the finishing touches to my 5 year old‘s flamethrower.

[Trapped on a Island]

*Message in a bottle*
“Please send help!”

*Gets message back, months later*
“Linda invited you to play Candy Crush”

*licks lips*
*makes eye contact*
‘You gonna eat that wing?’

“I’d make an awesome president. Give me a problem, any problem.”
“Um, population control?”
“Kill all the storks. BOOM!”

*my friend pulling the dog’s tail after his surgery*

why isn’t this lamp working

Was just in an elevator with my ex, so I stopped at every floor to show him he was wrong on so many levels.

Lawns are weird. Let’s grow 7000 of the same thing and nothing else.

I liked Metamucil better back when it was called Facebookmucil.

What is it about the human condition that makes us crumple up plastic bags and stick them in a bigger plastic bag and then stick that plastic bag under the sink never to be seen or heard from again

it’s always the wrong ex who gets drunk and messages you a million times about how much he loves you.

I know we are at war here, but, who didn’t pick up after their dog?

I’m probably at my sexiest when I’m moving my head around trying to see if it’s a smudge on my sunglasses or an eye floaty

Doctor: How in the world did you manage to swallow this?
Me: (harmonica sounds)