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@LittleHarmonica: Kids are like bears. If you play dead eventually they'll leave you alone.
@better_off_dad: Ever since my mother discovered emojis I feel like she’s been hitting on me.
@dadsrpeopletoo: Mumble rap was invented by a guy trying to repeat what his wife just said after she caught him not listening.
@Aspersioncast: If my girlfriend is late for work & looking for keys,
I help by following her around the house & looking in exactly the same spots she does.
@darksidedeb: Who named it an army ant and not a combatant?
@sixthformpoet: It’s so awkward when a bird arrives back at its nest and the worms in its mouth realise that wasn’t just a free aerial tour of the city.