Kids are like bears. If you play dead eventually they’ll leave you alone.
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Me: *smug* I think you’ll find there’s a big difference between hearing, and listening
Her: that is literally what I just said
Dr: how’s your diet?
Me: I’ve been eating a lot of good fats like you said
Dr: ice cream isn’t good fats
Me: are you kidding me ice cream is amazing
What the hell happened here.
the human has made quite the sandwich for lunch. but when i placed my chin on their knee. and looked up at them softly. they only offered me. a piece of lettuce. nobody talk to me. for the rest of the day
He died doing what he loved, waving a metal rod on a rooftop in a storm, yelling FU, GOD! Although he slipped & fell, Ted’s memory lives on.
My wife recently got into a minor car accident with my kids in the car. When I arrived at the scene to check on them, the policeman was super nice and gave my crying kids free ice cream coupons.
He then gave me an attitude when I asked for a coupon too.
sometimes I go to the gym spend the whole time stretching then leave…this is cat day
Reading about how much Daniel Craig hates Bond is like The Pope Visiting Kim Davis all over again.
ME WATCHING SUCCESSION S01E01: so i guess these guys do business or something?
ME WATCHING SUCCESSION S02E10: roman’s bid to secure private funding would have won the proxy war but ultimately the capital wasn’t reliable enough to prevent the firm from h
All I said is that I didn’t know whether we were a Marvel or DC family and my husband and kids locked me out of the house.
dear law students: nothing in the civil rules prohibits yelling out latin phrases like harry potter spells.
“What did you make milk out of today?” [Overheard in the library]
I’m home alone for the first time in 45 years and I’m only 39
My phone: 58%.
My husband’s phone: 7%.
Me: Honey, I need your charger.
Calling someone a “tough cookie” is not a compliment, tough cookies are literally the worst cookies
20: pulls an all nighter with the boys
40: pulls a hamstring adjusting the boys
Him: Who ate a whole pan of pigs in a blanket??
Me with crescent roll crumbs stuck to my lip: Burglar.
Night terrors are cool and all, but why wait?
My friend is looking for a single, normal, well adjusted man. I told her to avoid twitter.
I had a teacher in high school who always assumed we’d give the wrong answer.
“What’s hotter, green or red peppers?”
Green
“Nope. Green.”
People who hit Reply All to 20+ recipients and then say, “Thanks!”–please know, you are going to Hell. Nothing can save you. Nothing.
ME: Off to the concert with my friends
WIFE: Say hi to everyone for me[later]
ME [individually saying hi to 10,000 ppl] This is exhausting
I would have become a Hare Krishna
if only I had the chants.
“Mommy, guess what song this is!”
{Horrid shrieking on plastic harmonica}Um Twinkle Twinkle Little Star?
“No try again”
{Murder sounds}Ring Around the Rosie?
“No no, really listen!”
{My ears begin to bleed}(Voice quivering) Happy Birthday?
“Yes!”
(I begin to cry)
At my funeral, I want a giant glitter bomb to go off.
It will celebrate my life while ensuring that no one will forget me, since glitter will cling to them forever.
well well well, if it isn’t the consequences (dying of the plague) of my own actions (putting a rat i found in an alley under my hat to help me cook hotdogs better)
PILOT OVER INTERCOM: alright folks, by a show of hands, who has ever made a small and understandable mistake?
TEACHER: what’s your favorite color?
ME: my favorite color is turkwoyse
TEACHER: spell it
ME: actually my favorite color is red
Me: was the “also” because the sun SETS or because the MOON rises?
Hemingway: couldn’t you have picked someone living to have dinner with