Kids are like bears. If you play dead eventually they’ll leave you alone.
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Women in romance books: I know I just met him 3 days ago but I am in love with him.
Me: We’ve been dating for 8 years and I guess I like you.
[first day as marriage counselor]
HER: we’re trying to have a baby
ME: ok I’ll step outside
Ladies, lemme assure you.. I’m not trying to get into your pants. I can barely get into my own pants at this point.
Hey starbucks I’m not using your made up language give me a medium beanwater
It was so cold UN weapons inspectors suddenly decided that chemical weapons might be hidden in Hawaii
So grateful for pillows. My head works hard, it deserves its own widdle bed.
there’s a jehovah’s witness dressed up as a cop who keeps banging on my door, haha nice try buddy
Don’t trust anyone that orders a Medium Pizza….
Even if it’s not cursed, a monkey paw is a terrible gift.
Went a little too hard on leg day at the gym and the next day I couldn’t walk.
Naturally, I lied and told my friends that I met someone…
If my kids knew there was a light in the oven, they’d leave that one on too.
No horror movie will ever be as scary as the sight of the water going up instead of down when I flush the toilet.
{yard full of boys}
*pointing at milkshakeExterminator: there’s your problem
Always a housemaid, never a house.
I couldn’t take Breaking Bad seriously bc Walter White looked like Ned Flanders.
anime mfs be like “i promise it gets better just wait till episode 561 bro”
me: i’d like to go to this place
google maps: u walking? i bet ur walking
me: no i’m driv-
google maps: it’s gonna take u 5 hours hope ur wearing comfy shoes
Literally no one understands something more completely than a woman in a meeting who starts a question with “Just so I understand…”
My Scottish wife just channeled her inner Braveheart… We finally put the baby to bed, close the door, and she goes, “FREEEEEEEEDOM!!!” 🍷
Me watching Luther: Oh you beautiful broken violent man, I would love you through it all.
Me on a date: Eyebrows don’t match, I’m out.
{Horses on a road trip passing my house}
HORSE 1: *Points at me in my yard* Human.
[calls my sister while babysitting her kids] are they allowed to smoke inside
I have my hesitations about Paradise City if the first thing you brag about is the color of the grass.
“Are you insane? Did you escape from a mental institution?” he flirted.
Maybe she’s born with it. Maybe she studied abroad for one semester and came back with an accent.
handsome customer: [pointing] that costume please.
clerk: sexy warlock. you got it.
me: same as him.
clerk: creepy male witch, comin’ up.
Our dog runs away so much, I’m just going to spray paint our phone number on her side.
My son came home hella mad today talking about he told his friends i was a virgin and they told him that was impossible
I’ll sleep when I’m dead but also every night so I don’t die.
due to unforeseen circumstances i just quit my job as a psychic